Smith and I break out into laughter at the same time. He pins me on the bed. His weight is welcome and warm. The urge to have him deep inside me surfaces, and I wonder if he knows how deliriously happy he makes me.
I cover my mouth with one hand to stifle the laughter. Grabbing my wrist, he pulls my hand down. “Never cover that blessed device. Do you understand me?”
I giggle and shrug. His beautiful eyes crinkle in the corners as he smiles down at me. “I understand,” I say, feigning obedience.
His mouth turns down as his smile disappears. “I’m sorry for being rough with your head. Surprisingly, I had little control of that in the heat of the moment.”
His concern gives me pause. “Don’t apologize. I know you would never hurt me purposefully. You would never hurt me in any way.” How I hope this is true. How I hope he is my forever. He runs his fingers through my hair gently. “Would you?”
I know him well enough to know he will read between the lines like a pro. His eyes glaze over. He kisses myforehead and then the tip of my nose. I close my eyes when he kisses my eyelids.
When I open them to find his true emotions playing across his face, for the very first time, I know my hopes will become a reality. “I love you, Carina. I love you forever.”
And nothing can steal them away.
Nothing.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Smith
It doesn’t happen very often,but when it does, it’s a big deal. Rain in Southern California. It comes down all day long, and it’s a harsh, unrelenting flood because the streets and landscapes aren’t made for weather as such. When it stops and the sun shines down like a soldier staking his claim, it’s a sight to behold. You’ve missed it, and you’re more than glad the warm beams are beating down on your skin. It’s a feeling like nothing else. That’s the only comparison that comes close to describing what it’s like to be with Carina intimately. To hold her body next to mine. To touch the skin that’s usually covered by her clothing. To see the parts only a lover is privy to.
She’s the fucking sun. The rain, too. I can’t control myself around her. Carina has triggers after suffering abusive relationship after relationship. Yelling is one. Sex after an argument is another. Apparently, she closes herself off. Nothing sexual in the shower because it’s a small space, and she’s claustrophobic, and thank Godhair pulling is not on her list.
After the blow job, which will go down in history as the best in the world, she left for a meeting with Jasmine to talk about work. I met Moose at our work gym, and now we’re at the outdoor shooting range, practicing. It’s high-tech and tracks everything: precision, speed, and distance. These skills will prove to be of the utmost importance soon.
A sense of clarity washes over me as my body goes into autopilot. The world melts away for an hour as I pull the trigger, aim, and repeat. I feel so much when I’m around Carina, it’s almost a relief to think about nothing except the task at hand. When Moose finishes, we head back to the high bay to hang out. He grabs a drink from the bar and hands me one.
“I made it light. It is a workday,” Moose says. Smiling, he pats me on the shoulder before he takes a seat on the leather sofa opposite me. “What’s on your mind?” He looks at me over the rim of his glass.
I shrug. “Nothing and everything,” I admit. “I’ve never been happier, but it’s the beginning. The tenuous part of any relationship, and we’re about to ship out.” My palms, the same ones that scored almost a perfect score at the range, begin to sweat.
Moose shakes his head. “There are no promises on that front. You heard the brief,” he says.
Swallowing down the liquid fire, I relish the burn every step of the way down. I’m nervous. The state ofaffairs that our world is in is too big for a quick fix. “Regardless, we don’t have enough time to cement the relationship before I leave.”
“You haven’t had sex yet,” Moose says. His eyebrows rise in surprise. “Not that I want you to talk about it because you know details aren’t my thing, but you’re living with her. How is that possible?”
I drain the rest of my drink and slink back into the cool, brown leather. We nod as a few guys pass through, gear bags slung over their shoulders. “I’ve been gone.” I sigh. “And I wanted to take things slow because this is different. I know her. I know her so well. And I don’t want to scare her off or fuck things up before they have a chance to get off the ground.” I can’t make eye contact. Not when talking about something this personal. It’s about Carina, not Megan. It’s awkward, and he’s my best friend.
Moose huffs out a breath and runs both hands through his longish hair like a shaggy dog. “God, I hate to say this, but are you sure? There’s still time, man. If you haven’t taken it to that level, there’s still time to go back to her.” Megan. Like I assumed.
I nip his train of thought in the bud. “I’m in love with Carina. I love her. I want to be with her forever. We’ve done everything but, Moose. My allegiance will always be with her,” I say, using my hands as I speak. Moose understands words like love and allegiance. “Megan made her choice, and I’ve made mine. Carina is meeting herfor lunch tomorrow. It’s working out. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life, bro.” I think about how she makes me feel—how important she is to my mental and physical health. “I’d give up my career if I thought the relationship was in jeopardy. Bow out. Get an office job and a closet full of suits if that’s what made her happy.”
It’s a strange, foreign thought. It’s true, though. My happiness is her happiness. Never in my wildest dreams or nightmares would I conjure up leaving the Teams. It’s my identity. Finally…finally, my true identity has been exposed.
Moose is staring at me, eyes wide and mouth ajar. “Now you’re talking like a crazy asshole andI amgoing to butt in with my opinion and tell you that you need to get laid as soon as humanly possible.” He claps both hands down on his sizable hamstrings. “You’re changing, man. I can’t say I like it, either.”
“Or actualizing who I really am,” I return. Taking the glass out of his hand, I return the two to the sink by the bar and wash them out without looking. I’m lost in thought, translation, and in truth.
He stands, shaking his head with a stymied look on his face. He puts his hands on his hips as he surveys me. “Back to what I said before. Fuck this bullshit out of your system. We have a job to do, and you need to realize what’s important. We need you. Look around, Smith. The world is going to shit. If there’s any time we need some of that superhero shit you spout, it’s now. Don’thave a mid-midlife crisis, please. You are a fucking SEAL. The best one I’ve ever known. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to Henry.” Once spoken, Henry’s name and a million memories troll through my mind.
“I’m working on remedying the issue today, actually. If you ever let me leave,” I reply, ignoring the emotions that threaten my good mood. “No mid-midlife crisis. Okay?”
Hesitantly, Moose nods.
We talk for a few more minutes about work stuff and head to our lockers to pack a few more gear bags. He thinks I’m crazy. That I’m not thinking with the right head. I tell him I know what’s important, and for once, since my accident, I know exactly who I am.
