There is truth in her words. A poignant sentiment I can’t deny no matter how I spin it. Isn’t that why I’m with her? Because she knows me and us so well? “I don’t want to argue about this anymore. I’m here. In our bed. With you.”
A tiny sob escapes her mouth. She’s a pretty crier. A fact that breaks my heart. I usually avoid saying anything that invokes it. It bothers me that much. “That look, Smith. It’s the one that used to be reserved for me. I haven’t seen it since the accident.” Megan stands from the bed, her naked back exposed. She perches her hands on her hips. “It was so innocent, too. You had no idea you were even doing it. It was effortless.”
I blow out a long breath and run my fingers through my hair. “You can’t be sure. It was mere seconds, Meg. Please,” I beg. “Come back to bed.”
She told me I was insatiable before. Hopefully this show of my old self can straighten this argument out for good.
Slowly, she spins. My mind plays tricks on me as the angular shadows cut across her body. “I need you to be honest with me. You owe me honesty. I deserve it.”Standing there, she looks so stunning, I’d agree to anything she wanted.
Her beauty overtakes my fear, and I respond, “Of course.”
“I’ve given this my all—trying desperately to show you what we had,” she says, shaking her head. “It would be selfish of me to even be upset about it, I guess. But you’re not going to remember us, are you?”
I scoot closer to her by sliding to her side of the bed. “You know I can’t answer that. I promised we could start over and try to incorporate old memories with the new. That’s what I can say as truth. That doctors don’t know if I’ll ever remember.”
“You’re a different man now. I’m trying to stay in love with the man from my past. That’s not you, and if I’m being brutally honest, I know you don’t love me. Not like you used to. Seeing you look at Carina reminded me of that.” The look that destroyed everything. “The fact is you don’t see me like that anymore, Smith. It’s time we both move on. I can’t settle for this.” She waves her arm in my direction. “And you deserve to have happiness. I won’t be the reason you don’t.”
It’s twisted. Megan has been my sole reason for happiness during my recovery. On my darkest days, when I thought my arms had turned to fire and would never heal, she brought me my favorite meal—and then fed it to me. She told me jokes and did everything in her power to help me forget about my pain. That was all I could do at that point. Forget. Even morethan I already had.
This is a huge mistake. I can’t accept it, no matter how Ilookat Carina. Megan is my safe place. I make a move to stop her, but she cuts me off with a look and a wave of her hand. “I’m a lady, Smith. Please let this happen on my terms. I was there for you. I’m glad I could be there for you, but I think it’s best if we go our separate ways now. I have nothing left to give you.” She wraps her arms around her middle as tears cut a path down her face. I approach her slowly, making sure she’ll accept me.
In between sobs, I wrap her in my arms. “This is what you want?” I ask. It’s rhetoric, mostly. I know it’s not what she wants, but it’s what she’s going to do regardless, because that’s the type of woman she is.
She pulls away from the hug to look me in the eyes. “This isn’t what you want,” she corrects. “I’m tired of fighting for something that doesn’t exist anymore.”
My pulse picks up, hammering a symphony against my neck. Uncontrollable nerves and anxiety overtake my body. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I don’t think I want this to happen, but a funny thing occurs. I don’t try to fix it. When I open my mouth to speak, she kisses me, her hands pressing the sides of my face.
“Let me have this. Don’t say anything, please. My dignity is on the line,” she whispers.
I nod, holding her fingers in my hand. I look down and see her beautiful nails and thin fingers shake in my grasp. She leaves the room, closing the door behind heras she goes. This wasn’t make-up sex, this was breakup sex. I blow out a huge pent-up breath.
I realize something monumental has happened. Something that changes everything. And if all she’s told me is factual, this will be the first time in my adult life I will live without Megan. I sink back into the bed in shock. Reaching for my cell, I dial Moose because I can’t call the first person that came to mind. Not yet. That wouldn’t be fair to Megan.
And I’m not quite sure what that means.
I have three large suitcases and six seabags in the back of my truck when I pull into the parking lot of Balboa Park. Megan left the house before I got out of the shower, leaving a note that said I should be out of the house by tonight. It’s the oddest sensation to be free and clear, without a clue of what comes next. I have another training trip in a few days and then a six-month deployment looming. If I concentrate on that, perhaps it will be an easy transition into forced bachelorhood. Am I upset? Both yes and no. I mourn our recent memories, but I know I don’t feel the grief that she must. A decade of memories being obliterated by my accident. As if I didn’t have enough to feel guilty about.
I find Carina’s huge SUV and park next to it. I almost canceled the meeting, but I had to get out of the house,and Moose isn’t home yet, so I can’t head over there for a few more hours. She looks over from the driver’s seat of her vehicle when I hop out and open her door for her.
Grabbing her bag, she slips out and looks both left and right, searching for him. That’s nothing new. “Hey, how are you?” I ask and then notice her hair. “Made a big change, huh?”
Mindlessly she runs a hand through her freshly dyed locks. “Oh, yeah. They were able to squeeze me in early this morning. It’s different, I know.” She slings her bag over one shoulder and hands me the blanket to spread on the ground. I tell her it’s a good different, that it reminds me of the sand at an exotic location, and she smiles bashfully.
We walk down the sidewalk, heading for the large banyan tree in the corner. The roots are exposed, but there’s a section of flat ground for seating. More importantly, it’s away from people and has the perfect amount of shade and sun.
Carina walks a few steps in front of me. Her hair isn’t dark anymore. It’s shades of blond with light browns, and it fades gradually from root to tip. She looks completely different—more confident, less of a wallflower. Not that she was ever unattractive. Quite the opposite, actually. Now, more people will notice her. I don’t like that.
With a huff, she sits down on the blanket, crosses her ankles, and leans back on her elbows. She makes no motion to grab her tape recorder or her notebook. A factI notice first and foremost. She’s usually straight to business. “Sit,” she says, patting the seat next to her. “I have some news for you.” She smiles, her cheeks rounding and her eyes narrowing.
“I have some news, too,” I reply, making myself comfortable.
With a sigh, she says, “Let me get mine out of the way first.” Carina closes her eyes. “I left Roarke and filed a restraining order against him. I’m staying with Jasmine while I look for a place.” Her new hair makes more sense. This is the best possible news I could receive today.
“All since yesterday? You’ve been busy,” I remark. My own smile eases when I see that she’s visibly upset. Gently, I place my hand on her shoulder. “You did the right thing. Of course you did the right thing.”
She groans. “You know when you look in the mirror and you see the person you used to be? Sometimes you don’t recognize who you are? Maybe other days you see a stranger—someone who can’t possibly be you because the person staring back at you has none of the redeeming qualities that respectable people have? It sounds foolish, doesn’t it? To view yourself one way when in reality you’re the opposite.”
A lump forms in my throat. Running my hand up my arm, I rub the back of my neck. “I know the feeling all too well. If you want to talk glass half full, realizing this is the first step to becoming who you want to be,” I explain.
