I hear Adam sigh next to me. I close my eyes. I’m fucking this up.
“That’s great. And you moved back into your marital bedroom?”
“No, she just sleeps there. On her side of the bed,” Adam interjects.
I release the scarf. “I’m trying. I’m sorry I can’t be the person I used to be.”
“I’m not asking for that. I’m just asking for you in any form I can get you.”
My heart pounds. “Why? Why do you want me? What if I’m never your version of better and this is who I am forever? Why don’t you leave and find a woman who can give you all of herself? The best of herself.”
“I want you. My wife,” Adam fires back, tone heated. He shifts in his seat so he’s facing me. “That’s why we’re here.” He opens his arms to the sides. “Because I want you. We’re not here because you want me. That’s obvious. We’re here, still, after half a year, because despite it all, I want you. To come back to me.” He didn’t say he loved me. I watch his full lips, and try to imagine what they’d look like if he said it right now.
A tear slips down my face. I’m quick to wipe it away. “I ruined everything. I’m not sure I’ll ever be worthy of you.”
“He’s not asking that, Kendall. He doesn’t care about the circumstances. Can you find it in your heart to make another small step? If it makes him happy? It takes two people to make concessions in a relationship. There’s give and take. You know that.” She looks to Adam. “I’m going to be frank,” she says. “If she offers you intimacy, and I’m not talking about intercourse,” she amends, meeting my gaze. “Foreplay. Pleasure for both of you. Would that suffice your needs for the time being?”
“Anything. I’ll take anything,” Adam says, voice cracking. “It’s not even about the sex. I don’t even think she likes me most days.” He knows. I wasn’t careful enough with my emotions. I let my guard slip, and the truth was set free. “A goddamn kiss would be enough if I could feel something behind it, if I could tell she actually wanted to kiss me.”
I swallow down the huge lump in my throat. “Kissing usually leads to sex, so that’s why I’ve stayed away from all intimacy. I’m afraid of what it will lead to.”
“He’s telling you just a kiss. Can you trust him?”
I resume twisting the scarf and two sets of eyes land on me. “Yes,” I answer.
“It would be okay if kissing led to more. It’s fine if you’re not ready for that, but you need to know that enough time has passed. Your body is made for intercourse. Nothing is ruined. You are still perfect, Kendall. Perfect. All intercourse isn’t going to lead to a baby.”
“I’ll get a vasectomy,” Adam deadpans. “I’ll get a vasectomy. If it means you’ll never be afraid of me again. You don’t want children. You don’t want to chance a baby happening again, fine. I’ll get a vasectomy.”
“No!” I shout. “I don’t want that for you!”
How can he be so selfless? It’s wrong.
“I don’t care what you want for me. Like I said, I only want you.”
The therapist looks between us. Adam’s ragged breaths fill the silence. “Adam, can I talk to Kendall for a moment alone, please?” He leaves, mumbling under his breath, closing the door loudly.
“Tell me. We’re alone,” she says, voice low.
I can’t. Can I? “I need to know something,” I whisper.
“You can talk to me,” she says.
“How many people are in marriages like this? Suffering because nothing binds them anymore. I’ve changed and I’m not sure I’ll ever be what he needs.”
“Many. Many people suffer the same fate. Some overcome it. It’s difficult and lifelong work, and others separate because they can’t find their footing.”
“Are the ones who stay, happy?”
She considers my question. “Some probably are.”
“The rest? They stay together because it’s the right thing to do?”
“They aren’t you. Your situation is different. That man out there is fighting for you. He wants this to work out. The couples that fall apart are the ones when both partners are indifferent.”
“You’re calling me indifferent?”
She shakes her head. “You are healing. It’s not the same.”
