Adam sighs long and heavy. “I wanted to come. Don’t thank me, please. It’s offensive. This is about both of us. She was my daughter, too.”
I shake my head. I’m so stupid sometimes. “I’m sorry. I am. That was so rude of me to say. It’s just that I made all of these plans and all of my family is here and I didn’t want it to be awkward for you to be here.”
He grabs my hand. “It’s not awkward at all. I’m glad that you’ve finally come to this place. This is all I’ve ever wanted for you. You know that, right? I was hurt that things didn’t work out between us because of my pride, but seeing you happy, moving on with your life, makes it all worthwhile.”
“That is very sweet of you to say. Mom told me you’re engaged now.” I kind of hoped he would bring her today. It would make me feel less awkward. But I don’t think we’d be having this candid conversation if she were here, and I’m grateful for that. “I’m happy for you, too.”
Adam lights up when he tells me about his fiancée. It’s a strange mix of emotions warring as his excitement rises as he describes her. She’s a bit older than us and is divorced. Adam met her at work when she applied for a position and didn’t get it. He helped find her something at a sister company, and I guess it was a slow crawl to love after that. Or rather, him pursuing her and trying to convince her he was a good idea. The waves rock the boat a bit and I have a feeling we are nearing her final destination.
It’s confirmed when the captain starts fooling around with the anchor and the ropes along the side of the boat. I take a deep breath and look at Leo. He’s dutifully ignoring me. He’s so good at lip reading now that if he wanted to, he could know everything we’re saying by merely watching us. He’s giving us privacy.
“Listen, I know there was some shit times between us, and I don’t know if I ever properly apologized for the way I was. I wasn’t myself. I’m sorry. For everything.”
Adam squeezes my hand. “I know you weren’t. I wasn’t at my best, either. Everything happened organically. This whole thing must have been predetermined to give us both the maximum chance at our best lives. I’m sorry, too.”
The captain comes over, his rugged, dirty pants swishing as he moves. “This is it. We’ve arrived and I’ve anchored. Take as long as you need.” He disappears like a ghost.
My mom walks over, steadied by Aidan as she strides holding a familiar cardboard box under one arm. Her eyes are full of tears as she hands it to Aidan and then removes Noel’s urn. My heart beats erratically. So much pain at the mere sight of it. Leo is beside me in the next second. I accept the ceramic from her and the tears begin—a cascade of hurt running down my face. With Adam on one side and Leo on the other, we walk to the edge of the boat.
“I didn’t want to cry today,” I say, sobbing a little. “But it’s okay, because Noel was a gift that was taken too soon. A precious, precious reminder that life isn’t always perfect.”
Adam chimes in, “And that’s okay. Life isn’t supposed to be perfect. What kind of ride would that be?”
Leo squeezes my hand, and I release it to uncap the urn. There’s a plastic bag inside that has a twist tie sealing the ashes inside. Adam unties it while I hold it steady. Leo steps to stand behind me. I hand Noel over to Adam. “You do it. Put her to rest. Put it all to rest.”
Adam sprinkles the ashes and they float on top of the water before sinking slowly, a crawling descent into the cool waters to her final resting place. I watch with morbid fascination as my mind flicks through the months of pregnancy and the grief that followed. The sad memories end today, with the happiness we’ve both found. When the ashes are all out, Adam takes my hand in his.
“I love you, Kendall.”
Adam has said the words I love you five times since the day I first laid eyes on him. Today, the fifth time, is the first time I’ve actually believed he meant it.
