“I’m so sorry, Kid. I’m sorry.” I don’t reply right away. I close my eyes instead. I could have said a million other things about what he mentioned. I could have waxed poetic about my baby brother who is completely wonderful. I told him the ugly first, though. To push him away. It’s a defense mechanism I engage, even if I don’t want to.
“Mom had a boy,” I say into his chest, trying to keep my tears in check. It’s time for the happy subject change. That’s what my therapist taught me. “They named him Weston. He’s a real spit fire. Looks just like Aidan, too.”
Leo chuckles softly, but he doesn’t release me from the embrace. I’m glad. It’s warm and comforting. “I bet he’s going to grow up to be a real bear,” Leo says, pulling away, but staying in arm’s reach. “Are you holding up? That’s rough.”
My heart slams against my chest. I hold my arms out next to me. “This is me trying to hold up,” I explain. “I haven’t been alright, honestly. This job is a step in the right direction. I don’t want to hold you up. I’m sure you have somewhere else to be. I was just headed out for the evening.”
“I wanted to check out where class was going to be next week,” he says, clearing his throat.
“You’re one of my students?” I gasp. “I’m teaching you Spanish?”
He chuckles. “Sí,” he replies, then tells me about the other student who will transfer out.
A second ago I was comforted by him, but the prospect of spending days and weeks and months on end with him terrifies me.
“I’ll walk you out.” Leo drapes an arm around my shoulder and guides me out of the office. It’s casual. Two old friends reconnecting. Isn’t it? Would the office staff think that?
He bids me farewell at my car and disappears into the dark parking lot. The chill of the November air sets my lungs on fire. I get into my car and start it up. The heat blows furiously out of the vents after thirty seconds of an icy blast. Leo shouldn’t even be a second thought. I knew I’d run into people from Aidan’s circle here—expected it, even. I didn’t expect someone from my circle. An old friend is a good thing to have these days and I am glad he is here. Someone who knows the old Kendall, then the truth hits me square in the heart. As my body warms, my brain thaws.
Leo is the first person I’ve let hug me since Noel passed. The first human interaction I’ve allowed willingly, sure, people hugged me out of sympathy when they found out, but it wasn’t wanted. I could say it’s because he’s an old friend who knew nothing of the horrible circumstances in my life, or that we haven’t seen each other in five years, so it was warranted, but it’s not that. Nope. It’s something else.
And it’s a terrifying feeling.
I pick up the ingredients to make dinner. Now this special dinner is not because I’m in a great mood, it’s because I feel guilty.
