Chapter Fifteen
Aidan
San Diego two months ago . . .
THERE HAD TO BEa point in falling in love. A lesson learned. Something to be gained by feeling this pain. The address was crumpled in my pants pocket. I’d already memorized it, I kept it because it’s in her handwriting. It’s how I’m hanging on to the impossible. I vomited in Magnolia’s front yard before making my way to the airport to head here. The scenario plays over and over anytime I close my eyes. I haven’t slept. I’m barely eating. Not only won’t Magnolia pick up my calls, I know she never will. Not after seeing the strength of a mother-daughter bond for myself. That is sacred. An outsider is what I’d always be.
I finished all of my medical tests at noon. Before I knew what I was doing, or why, I ended up parked in front of their house—in a nondescript middle class neighborhood. It’s the kind of neighborhood bad guys hide in. The kind so plain and unappealing new people rarely move in and residents never move away. It’s a prison. An illusion of security with a hard edge that only I can feel.
There are no cars in the driveway, but I know my father always parks his vehicles inside the garage. A fact I doubt time changed. I get out of my rental car and survey the area with a keen eye. I wait, but the dread doesn’t come like I assumed it would. A sense of relief washes over me and I hate that she’s right. That she’s won another piece of me I’ll never get back. I need this. Pacing slowly, I don’t think about what I’ll say if they’re home, only seeing them, letting them see me. A whole, self-made man. Sure, I’ve arrived today as a man who has nothing to lose, but this journey began on completely different terms—back before I lost everything.
I can be a man worthy. Magnolia showed me that. It has to be the takeaway. There’s no other logic I can wrap my brain around when I think about the time we spent together and what she taught me. I ring the doorbell once and wait. She opens it, and I see the second her confusion turns to sorrow—regret. The years have been kind to her, the lines on her face deeper than they were when I was a child. Her hair is gray and the frown lines around her mouth are deep and telling. Happiness never lived inside her.
“Aidan, son, is that you? Oh my gosh, get in this house right now and give your mama a hug,” she croons, voice creaky from disuse.
I laugh. “You want a hug?” I choke out. “You want a hug,” I repeat, shaking my head, motherfucking tears already threatening. “Is he home?” I ask.
She looks down at her feet and shakes her head. “He died, son. Five years ago.”
I try to swallow, but it’s lodged in my throat, along with my breath. I hold it in for several more seconds before I blow it out, rough and noisily. “Jesus,” I whisper, as my legs give out. I sit right there on the cement in front of the door and put my face in my hands.
She leans over and puts a hand on my back. I jerk away. “I tried to get in touch with you, but the Navy wouldn’t give me the information. I’m sorry, son.” Every time she calls me son, my skin prickles. There’s a reason they wouldn’t give her the information. I told them not to. “He was so proud of what you made of yourself, Aidan. You should know that. Every single day he prayed for your safety. Prayed you’d find your way home to us so that he could shake your hand. You did it.” Emotion floods her voice and it’s the last straw. A traitorous tear slides against the palm pressed to my face.
I’m not angry. I’m not confused. I’m furious with sadness. “I did do it,” I say, looking up at her. The same position I was in my entire childhood. “All by myself,” I call, shaking my head. “Not because of anything he did. Because of the man I made myself.”
Her eyes glaze over. “I know we were awful parents. I know, son. We weren’t sure how to make sure you grew up successfully. We didn’t know. I’m sorry. Your father was sorry. But look,” she says, tears streaming down her face. “You are a hero. A strong, brave hero.”
“Not because of you,” I deadpan. “Despite you. You guys were fucked up. Think how strong and brave I’d be if you actually loved me.”
“Is that what you think? That I didn’t love you?” she asks, letting the door close and sitting down in front of me so I have to meet her sad gaze.
“You let him beat me. For no reason at all. What made you think that was okay? That’s not love,” I growl. “And the reason I know that is because I tasted pure love for the first time and I know exactly what it is. It’s why I’m here. Why I came to show you that I’m a person worthy of being loved. I am a hero but not for the obvious reasons. You know why? Because I survived you.”
She covers her mouth with a weathered hand as her eyes crinkle in pain. “Son,” she sobs.
I continue on. “I survived you and I soldiered on. I got a little mixed up, and sometimes I did horrible things to people because I had to learn how to treat people I care about the hard way. No one ever cared about me. How the fuck was I supposed to know how to have a relationship? My sole role models for a family unit were completely neglectful and abusive. I succeeded in my career and everything else around me crumbled. Then I met her. It was a revelation. A goddamn stroke of luck.” I think of Magnolia and my chest aches. “I fucked it up, because what choice did I have? A man like me doesn’t deserve that kind of love, right? Fuck me.”
“That’s not true and you know it. If that woman loves you like you love her then choices aren’t a factor. There is no choice to be made. Love forgives, Aidan. Weak men blame their pasts for their mistakes. Nobody is perfect.”
I sigh a haggard breath. “I’m not blaming you. I just want to know why you never tried to save me.”
“You didn’t need saving. You were a strong boy.”
I bark a laugh. “I was a child.”
“I was wrong,” she says, taking my hand in hers. I can’t find it in me to pull away. “Your father and I were both wrong. I’m so sorry you endured a less than ideal childhood. I loved you. I love you still. When you have a child, you’ll understand what that kind of love feels like. The balance is hard. Forming an adult while loving a child. I wasn’t tender enough. You deserved more from me and I failed you.” She sucks in a breath that seems strong enough to rattle her rib cage. “He beat me too. Your rather beat me too. That was my normal. Our normal.”
I stay quiet. I never expected this conversation. An apology. My whole adult life was formed because of miscommunication, rather, the thought that I was strong so I didn’t need culpable love in physical form. Their way of loving me was their own. Can I respect that while disagreeing completely? Her hand squeezes my own, a reminder that he’s gone and she’s here. A mother hoping to reconnect with a son. I’d give anything for another chance with Magnolia. To be in her proximity. To feel her lips against mine. If her love would be mine again, I’d be able to face this. Alone? I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I run a hand through my hair. “I’ll leave you my phone number. I’m living in Florida now. A small town called Bronze Bay. I’m heading back there in a few days after I finish up some testing here.” I stand, helping her up as I go, grabbing her other hand. I see the frailty then, the way she wobbles without me as leverage. “You live here by yourself?”
“A nurse comes to check in once a week, but I’m used to it. Since your father died, I’ve found peace in being alone. No one to worry about except myself.” She rubs her neck as she speaks, the loneliness creeping into her tone. “I don’t want to talk about myself. Tell me about you. Tell me everything. If this is my one chance to see you, I’m taking it. Give me everything you can. All the good and the bad.” She holds open the screen door and her arm shakes a bit.
Something cracks, a weakness in my armor. This isn’t what I planned on, but I know without a doubt it’s what Magnolia hoped would happen. I swallow hard and sigh, reaching out to hold the door for her I say, “Okay, Mom.”
She turns back, beaming. I return the smile. I can’t mete out forgiveness to my father, but perhaps my mother is deserving.
_______________
I deleted the dating apps off my phone the night after I returned from San Diego and tried to talk to Magnolia at her shop. She ordered me out without even considering my truth. It’s what I expected. What I didn’t expect was to feel so downtrodden because of it. No one tells you how awful a breakup is. What confuses me is how quickly the person you love the most in the world turns into a complete stranger in a short amount of time. I see her from a distance when she’s closing the store and it’s as if I’m watching a person I don’t know. The Magnolia Sager that came after we ended. Another human.
