“Why did that sound like a question? Where is she?” It’s almost noon and Malena hasn’t been in to see me yet.
“Leif,” Mom croons in that way only a mom can. “Last night was a lot. She’s probably sleeping still. If not, she’s dealing with the…” Mom pauses. “I’m sure she’s busy, honey. What can I get you in the meantime? The physical therapist will be here this afternoon. Celia had to call in a favor as you weren’t on the schedule.” No one has said the word baby or daughter again since last night. I’m beginning to think I dreamed it. It’s why I need Malena. Her words. To tell me if what she said last night is real.
“I need to fix myself,” I croak. “I need Malena, Mom.”
She nods. “I’ll call her now. Stay put,” Mom says, then shakes her head. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not paralyzed,” I say. “I don’t think, anyway. I can’t fucking move so maybe I am. Don’t apologize. I won’t go anywhere,” I say, out of breath. It takes so much to get words out. My lungs don’t hold as much oxygen as they used to. “Tell her Ineedher,” I add. I’m breaking a little more every second her face isn’t in my line of vision.
Eva and Celia visited me this morning. They left when the doctors came in to run a myriad of tests on my body and blood. I seem to be doing okay internally, and the fuzzy mental pieces get a little clearer as time passes. They say that’s a good sign—that my recovery is miraculous and so sudden that it’s hard to medically explain. My sister’s fucking ranting could bring anyone back from the grave. Dad is on one of his walks again and I am left alone.
There’s a walker next to my bed that a nurse brought in for this afternoon’s physical therapy session. I eye it like a mortal enemy, one that killed me, but not all the way. Aidan is on his way here, and a few of my teammates are with him. They’re the ones that will fill in the blank spaces with regard to attack. I have to piss so I take the urge to try out my legs instead of using the bed urinal. I have to use my arms to scoot my legs to the edge of the bed.
No one could tell me what it would be like to stand up—how my body would react. The act of swinging my legs over the side leaves me breathless. “Fuck, I’m so out of shape,” I mutter, then putting both hands on the handles of the walker, I lean my upper body onto the steel frame. A spell of dizziness hits. A string of curse words fly through my brain, my throat too sore to speak them.
“Are you supposed to be up?” Malena says. Finally. Finally.
I turn my head, and there she is. A vision in a long yellow dress, her skin in stark contrast to the light color. I swallow hard and try to shift to get a better view. The afternoon sun lights her face. “You’re here.”
“I, ah, wasn’t sure what to say so I avoided you today,” she says. “I was on my way when your mom just called.”
“Honesty. I like it,” I reply, croaking a little less with every word I say. “How about some more of that?”
She looks down to the floor. When I shuffle, she doesn’t hesitate to rush over to help me. “I’ll give you honesty if you sit back down.”
“If you won’t dance with me, I’ll find someone who will,” I counter, trying on a smile for the first time today.
She’s affected by it. Immediately. Her whole demeanor switching into something more familiar. “I’ll dance with you. Later.”
“I have to take a piss so I can’t sit quite yet. I’d like to do it like a man,” I explain, nodding to the bathroom attached to my room.
Malena nods. “I’ll call a nurse. Can you wait?”
My eyes light. “I can’t. Will you help me?”
Her breath catches. “Of course. Is this the first time you’ve stood up? Walked? If you fall, I’m not sure I can catch you before you hurt yourself. Are you sure you don’t want to use the bed urinal?”
I begin shuffling toward the restroom. “I got it, Malena. Even if I fell, I imagine you’d catch me. I’m what? A mere two hundred pounds?” The walker takes most of my weight. My legs are painful as blood rushes in a direction other than horizontal.
“Careful,” Malena says, laying both hands on my back. “Your legs are working great, Leif. You don’t even need my help right now.”
I’d never tell her how much pain I’m in or how much effort I’m putting into looking like a normal human being right now. When we get to the bathroom, Malena meets my gaze, then looks away quickly. “Your ass is hanging out, so I’m going to assume you’ll be able to hang it in there and…go?”
I laugh even though it hurts my chest. “I need you to hang it over in the right spot. If I piss all over the floor what will those poor nurses think of the mess?” I tease.
She laughs a short burst, then the smile vanishes from her face. “You’re serious?”
“As a heart attack,” I say, lips in a firm line.
She lifts the gown tentatively, shaking her head. I shuffle forward a bit, using the walker to get closer to the toilet. “At least one thing looks the same,” Malena says, smirking. Using her thumb, she guides my dick up and out. “Okay, shoot,” she says.
“I’m getting hard and then I won’t be able to piss,” I counter, sucking in a relieved breath. It works. Fuck yes.
“Oh my gosh, stop it. Pee, Leif! What if someone comes in?”
“Well, then we close the bathroom door and see just how well my dick works after a year without being inside you.”
“Don’t do that,” Malena says, smile vanishing. “Be serious right now.”
