Looking at her, looking at the sunset, brings back all of the memories. Mrs. Rosehall is right. I’ve never truly looked at Harper in this honest light.
“Tell me something, Benny. Anything worth saying.”
Her gaze doesn’t waiver. It’s unflinching in the direction of the sunset. “Okay,” I say, trying and failing to form the words I want. “I’ll tell you what I think youneedto hear.”
She nods. “Probably a good place to start.”
“This is my punishment for my evil, lying crimes of the heart. You know how I hid from the truth, you did it too. I have to live with this for the rest of my life, and Norah and Robin paid the price for my bad decisions.” She looks at me, but then thinks better of it and looks away again. I go on, “They were innocent in all of this.”
“I’ve thought about this a lot because of Marcus and Darren and everything,” Harper says, voice a whisper. “You can’t blame yourself. It was an accident.”
I shake my head, a lump forming in the back of my throat.
Harper’s gaze locks onto mine. “You can’t control everything. It was an accident. It didn’t happen for any reason other than she was in the wrong place at the wrong time,” she remarks.
I’ve thought about this, too. “No. It’s never just an accident. Things happen for a reason. Everything does. Nothing is happenstance. The world is too cruel for that. The things I’ve seen? I know for a fact there are no true accidents.” I look up at the sky, a broken man bargaining with someone who took away the only things more important than my own life.
“What if everything is one big accident? If you’re saying nothing is an accident, I’m telling you maybe everything is. Me sitting next to you, holding your hand, is because of an accident. Maybe your mom forgot her birth control pill. Poof!” Harper says, twinkling her fingers like magic. “You’re here. An accident. My dad accidentally got a job and we accidentally moved next door to you. We became friends by accident, and you fell in love with Norah on accident. We never told each other just how we felt about each other because, you guessed it, accident. We both know Robin was an accident, so there’s no arguing there. Darren accidentally drank too many drinks that night, Ben. Everything is an accident. If there’s one thing you can trust it’s that I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. Not by accident, either. Because I want to be here for you. Because I love you.”
Harper’s words strike a chord, stirring the cold place inside my chest. I’ve considered every possibility and she could be right. I’m not ready to admit that, though. Scooting closer to her, our legs touch. I hold her hand on top of my leg and we watch the sun vanish together. There are silent breaths and tiny sniffles, but no words. “I love you too,” I whisper. “Thought that’s important, you know.”
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Our chance is gone, regardless of how much we love each other. You know that, right?” Harper says as she squeezes my hand.
“How can you say that? Look at what happened to make circumstance for us!”
She nods. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”
I tell her to explain, and I know she will, but the silence between us spans on for longer than is comfortable. “You’ve always lived life unapologetically,” Harper says.
I scoff. “Because I spent the first half doing nothing but apologizing.”
Harper blows out a long, jagged breath and finally turns to face me. The pain in her eyes is crystal clear, but she wears a peaceful smile on her pink lips. “Sometimes when something bad happens and everything falls apart, it’s not so something better can come together. It’s unrecoverable. There’s no silver lining and dreams turn into unimaginable nightmares. You’re left scarred—irretrievable, in a zone untraceable by lifeboat, by hope, by love. You disappear completely.”
“I’m here. With you. That statement is a tad dramatic,” I deadpan.
Her smile widens. “But it’s the truth.” She shakes her head. “I’ll be your friend. I’ll always be your friend. To be anything more than that would be dishonorable to our past. We’re so much more than lovers,” she says, leaning her head on her shoulder. “We’re lifers, Benny. Forever.”
It hits me hard and fast. A swift break, a sharp pain. “You’re serious. You’ve made up your mind for good. Not like the times in the past where you’ve lied and tried to forget what we could be. This is real this time, isn’t it?”
“It’s sad, I know.” She kicks her legs and both of her flip-flops fly into the air. They turn into tiny black dots as they hit the ground. “Time is a luxury we can’t waste. Not anymore.” Shaking her head, she steels her resolve. “If Norah taught me anything, it was that. Time. So much of it wasted and squandered in the name of fear and indecision. I can’t let you hurt me again.”
My heart hammers. “Why would I purposely hurt you? It’s like cutting my own heart! I have the scars to prove I’ve done it in the past, that’s for damn sure. I’ll never hurt you again. You have to trust me. Trust me! What if I don’t accept your decision?” I ask.
She laughs, shaking her head softly. “You don’t have to. I’m strong enough for both of us.”
The clouds are turning a shady purple color as the cool of night layers the air. She points at the cloud cluster. “Vada Sultenfuss, My Girl. Sitting on the end of the dock.”
“Shit. I actually see it,” I reply, letting out a loud laugh, trying to accept her decision as coolly as possible. “Keeping the sad trend alive, I guess.”
“You cried like a baby every single time we watched that movie,” Harper says, wiping her nose. Sitting back, she opens the plastic bag, pulls out a pack of Sour Patch Kids, and opens the bag. “Every single time.” She offers the open bag my way.
I take a handful and pop them in my mouth. Around the sugary sweetness I admit, “You liked to torture me. I don’t even know why you’re my friend. All you do is torture me.” I shake my head. “I should banish you.”
“That’s what best friends are for. Don’t be lame. You can’t banish me. You love me.”
I groan. “The root of all of my problems.”
Harper pulls out a thick black marker and pulls off the cap. She crams about seven red kids in her mouth and leans up on her knees. “What do you say we leave our mark, huh?” She motions behind us to the water tower. It used to be a sky blue, but now it’s covered in spray paint and marker. You can barely even tell what color it used to be.
