I drown out the night with a stiff drink and pass out in the sheets that prove I won’t forget that quickly.
Or ever.
Chapter Nineteen
Ben
Everyone has those few mistakes they’ll never live down. Mine are the unforgivable sort that stick around even when I’m not thinking about them directly. They influence everyday decisions and the way I approach the world. Two months have passed since I crashed Harper’s house…and heart. She texted me once to make sure I wasn’t going to be around for one our parents’ dinners. I tried to get her to talk to me then, but she refused, telling me some bullshit excuse about being busy. There’s no way I can ask for forgiveness for that night. I was out of my mind.
I could only think of her and how much I missed her. Blind love. Furious lust. Pent-up feelings for denying my mind and cock what it desperately desired. I missed her friendship, sure, but most of all I missed her understanding. I knew damn well if I went there she’d understand and give in to anything I wanted. The lonely greed won out.
I’m driving to my parents’ house, trying not to think of this shit, but when my mind isn’t occupied at work, these thoughts are on repeat. You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. That saying is the motherfucking soundtrack to my life. I took everything for granted in every area of my life except for my career. That will always be there, unfortunate as it may be. Everything else is a loss.
No wife or family. No best friend to call. I have my brothers. A promise to make the world a safer place. My only life goal at the moment. After I pull into their drive I vow not to let my morose demeanor show. I put the front on like a mask—an actor perfecting the skill of convincing the people he loves that he’s fine. I walk slowly up to the door, not looking left for fear of seeing Harper’s parents, and knock once before opening the front door.
My mother rushes me. “Benjamin. Oh, it’s so good to see you, honey. Why haven’t you come? I know you weren’t working last weekend. We aren’t getting any younger, honey.” Her arms are around me in a vice grip. “You’ve gotten bigger!” she exclaims.
“I’ve had more free time at the gym,” I tell her, grinning over her shoulder at my dad. He’s watching the exchange with an amused smile. There’s no telling Mom anything. “I’ve missed you, too. What do you have cooking today?”
“Oh, I have so much cooking. You’re never going to want to leave. Mr. and Mrs. Rosehall should be here any second.” That’s when I start to sweat. Like a sixteen-year-old boy caught having sex on a living room sofa. “Go help your dad out back. I need you two to wipe down all the furniture on the patio.”
Swallowing, I glance out the side window. “Oh, just the Rosehalls tonight?” I ask, keeping my tone level. “Harper isn’t home this weekend, is she?” It will be a fucking disaster if she is. I wanted to talk to her on our turf. If anything unfolds here it’s going to get messy. I panic, an unfamiliar feeling of dread and excitement.
The doorbell rings and next Harper walks through, a bottle of wine tucked under one arm and a pie in the other. Her parents trail behind, their faces void of smiles. “Ben,” Harper says, raising one brow. “I saw your truck out front.” Not even giving me a passing glance, she greets my mother with a kiss on the cheek and approaches my dad with a joke and a hug.
The Rosehalls greet me cheerily and ask how I’ve been. Everyone’s expressions always change when that question comes up. It used to be a standard answer, now I’m the widower with a dangerous job. I’m like the liability no one wants to talk about. My mother frowns as she overhears me talking about the most recent mission we did. I’m comfortable talking about it as it was all over the news. Several top leaders were nabbed and brought in for questioning. It will lead to a slew of more arrests.
From my view, I can see Harper helping my dad clean the furniture outside and I’m envious. What are they talking about? Is she telling him about something I don’t know about? “Harper told me you’ve been busy with work. I guess we didn’t realize just how busy,” Mr. Rosehall says.
“Ah, you know. It makes everything at home…easier.”
Mrs. Rosehall lays a hand on my shoulder. “Is it getting easier then?”
My mom walks away, my father following her. I nod as a response. Norah is a subject that will make her cry no matter what. My cell phone chimes and I read the text nonchalantly. It’s Tahoe checking in to see what I’m up to. I tap back quickly,Welfare check confirmed. Mrs. Brahams has your back tonight.
He sends back a smiley face and I think how out of place that is. “I, ah, hurt Harper,” I say, wincing a little. “I didn’t mean to. I just want you to know.”
“Which time, Ben? You must be talking about now, because I haven’t seen her this upset since you told her you weren’t going to college with her.” Such a trivial thing now.
I grin a bit. “True. I’m not sure I can make it right this time,” I tell her.
Her face wilts. “You’re the only person who can make it right. It’s high time you guys realize what you have.”
“What’s that?”
“A love a lifetime in the making.”
It takes a moment or two for her words to settle where they need to. She continues, “I’ve watched you two grow up. I’ve watched your love grow and change over the years. It’s time. It’s time.” She repeats herself one more time, sadly, though.
“I’ve ruined everything.” I sigh.
“Talk to her. Don’t think you know what she’s going to say, because she might surprise you. For as how well as you two know each other, I think you’re completely blind to what’s right in front of your faces.”
I stumble back a bit. Harper comes back into view through the glass door. She’s beautiful, like she always is, but her mom is right. She’s not the same person she’s been in the past. This is the Harper of my future. If I can right the varying degrees of wrong I’ve committed. I shrug, shaking my head. “I can try.”
Mrs. Rosehall pats my shoulder and walks away smiling. I catch Harper’s hand when she tries to head for the hallway behind me. I can’t ask her to talk. “Want to go shoot some hoops?”
Harper rolls her eyes. “I have to use the restroom.”
