Fucking mine.
Tillie
Do you know how hard it is to say no to someone like Nicola?
No?
Well, let me tell you… You can’t.
It’s like saying no to a Nun asking you to donate money to save the children. You're a freaking monster if you say no to the pleading eyes that hold some judgment if you slip anything less into her palm that isn’t above a hundred bucks. Nicola is worse in person with getting what she wants, puppy eyes and pouting. She wasn’t even in front of me as she demanded I sneak out of the compound and have a girls day with her. Just the sound of her pleading, she had me climbing a high fence before I was even off the phone with her.
The walls were closing in on me anyways so leaving was a no-brainer. I just had to sneak out without anyone seeing me and meet Nicola on the left side of the compound. All I needed was to steal one of Dalton’s T-shirts and climb the fence. Easy but the barbed wire was not a pleasant experience. I used Dalton’s shirt as a barrier and made it to the other side with only a few scrapes. The moment I hopped into Nicola’s little, blue bug convertible, I was screaming at her to get us the hell out of there.
So, here we are. At the mall of all places where normal people hang out without a care in the world. Classical music, the mutter of excited shoppers, and once in a while, the screaming of an unhappy child that echoes from one side of the mall to the other. My body shudders each time it bounces off the walls, not being able to tell where the screams are coming from. Thank God I have Nicola on my side because each time she has a Tourettes episode, it eases something inside of me. Making me feel lighter and almost normal, a girls day of shopping with my friend. She laughs and skips, literally skips into stores, and doesn’t give a damn about the stares. It makes me want to scream like a pterodactyl dinosaur at them just so they stop looking at her like there’s something wrong with her.
She’s my perfect friend and I’ll cut a bitch who dares to hurt her innocent glow.
“So Evan and I did the dirty. I mean, there wasn’t any…” She makes a gesture of her index finger going through her other finger which is shaped like a circle. “But I saw his penis which made me drool a bit but he didn’t seem to mind. Apparently, spitting on a cock— Cock! is a turn-on. Who knew?” She shrugs her tiny shoulders but keeps making the crude gesture as if she can’t stop.
People stare at Nicola each time she has a tick or yells something and I give them the middle finger as we walk past the idiots who have nothing better to do but judge others.
“Was this at the party last Saturday?” I ask absentmindedly, shivering as I cross my arms over my breasts even though it's a pleasant, cool relief from the heat outside since we walked inside.
I feel like I have a target on the center of my back that sayslook at meand someone is moving in on me. I could just be paranoid, causing shivers to glide down my back with phantom hands. So much has happened in the last few days that inside I feel like a hollow shell. I should be rejoicing that Payne is finally dead, leaving me free to start living my life but I’m not. Something is missing. Maybe it’s the many nights I stayed awake whilst images of Payne’s death played out in my head. I was the one who always did the killing in them, making him suffer. His death was too simple, he got off easy instead of the drawn out pain I’ve been through for years.
It’s like the universe is giving me the middle finger and having a laugh at my expense. There’s still the fear of what now? Where do I go from here? I could just run, go somewhere that has a low population and no one would question where I'm from or why I’m there. Only problem with that is the guys. They wouldn’t let me go, and the thing is… I don’t see my life without them in it. They have caused me pain and humiliation but at the same time, they made me feel safe. Cared for under their cruel gazes. I think actions speak louder than words and to earn trust… They have to earn mine and I have to show that all I want from them is to be treated equally, and maybe one day down the road… loved without asking for anything in return.
“Was it obvious what we did? Nicky was not happy with me and I swear if lasers could shoot out of his eyes, Evan would have been on the receiving end.” Nicola picks up a pink top, holds it up to me, and shakes her head while tossing it back on the clothing rack.
“You're fine. It looked like you were just kissing,” I lie through my teeth, pretending to be occupied by some clothes on the next rack.
Her lipstick was smeared that night, and her hair a wild mess but I probably didn’t look any better. My stomach heats and my thighs clench at the memory of Dalton pounding into me as I slipped Tey’s beautiful cock into my mouth. After all the shit I’ve seen over the years, you would not think watching Nicky torturing the meathead jock would make me moan louder just so I could see him stab the fucker again.
“Yeah riiight. It looked like you were just kissing too but for the love of God, don’t share the details. That’s my brother.” She makes a face like she ate something bad and shudders.
She shudders again and jerks a couple of items off the hangers, throwing them on the ground. After she’s done, she sighs and bends down to pick them up while I help her.
“As long as Evan treats you right and it feels good… just go with those feelings.” That’s my advice and I’m sticking with it.
You don’t always get to experience a first kiss, a first love, the first time two bodies come together as if made for each other. Sometimes that all gets taken from you.
“I forget that we’ve only been friends for a while, it feels like years. I’m not throwing away something that is good in my life.” She doesn’t look me in the eye as she turns and walks out of the store.
I follow until I’m caught up with her and stop her by the elbow outside a window full of mannequins with only underwear on.
“I’ll do everything I can to help you, even making sure your pain in my ass brother doesn’t interfere.” I hold my pinky up towards her, and she flashes me a grin before hooking hers through mine.
“Thanks, Tillie. He’s different around you, you know? Not as intense as our father.” She instantly frowns and shakes her head like she’s trying to get rid of a memory. “Let’s go in here! It’s just what we need!” She grabs my wrist, and drags me inside the underwear shop with an excited squeal, quickly letting go to start loading her arms with lingerie.
Goosebumps rise on my arms when I feel it. I swear someone is drilling a hole into the back of my head. Trying not to be obvious, I glance over my shoulder and look around to see if anyone is staring at me. I only find a group of ignorant guys shoving each other as they stare once they walk by but they’re not who I’m looking for. This feeling is intense, hot on my body like they’re taking their time watching my every move.
“Tillie! We both need something sexy, it boosts confidence and it will drive the guys crazy. I wonder what Evan would like? I don’t see any Star Wars underwear but they have Wonder Woman!” Nicola races towards the back of the store as I trail behind, feeling out of my element.
I never got to pick out my underwear in a place like this. It usually was a sexy shop with costumes and the skimpiest lingerie for working the poles at night. It was only to be worn so greens would fall on the stage under the loud music and when my legs were wrapped around the cold, slippery steel of the pole stripping. The rest of my underwear was Goodwill, the thought alone makes me shudder. I can’t help skimming my fingers across the soft textures, the ones that feel like air between my fingers. A woman wears panties like this, a matching set to feel like she can take on the world.
I blow out a breath, feeling my chest tighten, and finally catch up with Nicola. She shoves something in my arms before I can blink and pushes me towards the dressing rooms.
I’m not sure why but everything lately to me feels unreal, like I’m constantly walking in a daze. Honestly, I don’t know why I picked the last door on the end, maybe because I feel safer all the way back where hiding is easier? One second I’m standing in front of a full-length mirror fully dressed and the next I’m slipping on the smooth material of lingerie. Everything I do feels almost robotic, I’m not even sure what’s happening to me. Have I finally broken down? Am I damaged beyond repair? Has it come to this?
