I’m weak and he knows this.
Turning around, I shuffle over to him through the sea of parting Jokers with a bored expression even though I’m screaming inside with a cry of terror. I glance into a pair of eyes that tell me to keep my cool.
Doris is sitting on Payne’s lap, stroking his arm but her posture is stiff the closer I get until I’m right in front of him. His eyes shift to my hand with the death grip on my helmet and smirks like he knows my thoughts but knowing I’ll do nothing about it. He leans back, stroking his greying beard as he stares at me, thinking about something that I’m not going to like.
“Get on your knees girl.” His tone is hard, demanding, and he points at the floor near his boots.
My knees lock into place for a second, his brown eyes narrowing before I resolve and sink down until my skin touches the floor. I wish I could say this is the first time someone has told me to get on my knees but it’s not. I’ve been violated too many times in the darkest corners… Those aren’t broken rules as long as I’m not getting fucked. Cruz says that’s only for him now but says some things I could learn from and my fucking father agrees. For once the club goes quiet, waiting to see what’s going to happen but you can still hear someone getting their cock sucked in the background along with my heavy breathing. My eyes stray to the floor near his scuffed up boots until his next words stop my heart altogether.
“Do you think of me as an idiot? That I wouldn’t find out?” His voice is low as he tsks me and swiftly kicks his leg out, shoving his boot onto my chest causing me to fall backwards with my back smacking sharply on the floor. “Answer me!”
His boot comes down on my chest once more as he stands in one fluid movement to loom over me, making it hard to breathe.
“Find out what, Payne?” I manage to rasp out, but I already know what he’s talking about.
He knows.
“Haven’t I given you everything? Do you want for nothing?” He moves his boot away, allowing me to draw in a proper breath before crouching down to run his finger over my brow.
I shrink away from his touch with a flinch, my vision tunneling as I see more booted feet crowding closer. It’s too much. No! It’s happening again! At this point, I’m gasping with every inhale and my lips tremble in terror. Payne snaps his fingers in front of my face to bring my focus back on him. He’s smiling like my fear pleases him which no doubt it does.
“I want for nothing.” My whisper is low, only he can hear that causing him to chuckle as he straightens up from his crouched position.
“Exactly, imagine my shock when a little birdy told me that you’ve been sneaking around at night.” He goes to sit back down, dragging Doris onto his lap again even though Lorrie is his sweetbutt, practically his old lady.
I guess none of that matters in this lifestyle. You're a whore on the outside and inside to these guys, Lorrie’s probably blissfully riding on a cocaine high right about now as she fucks some other Joker.
My mind runs a mile a minute before it clicks. Cruz followed me, I shouldn’t have been so careless after seeing him back at the strip club.
I’m fucking fucked. So stupid of me, I shouldn’t have gone.
I peel myself off the floor, sitting up with a hiss through my teeth at the pain in my chest, making it difficult to draw in a proper breath. I’m literally going to have a bruise shaped as a boot print. My chin drops to my chest with my shoulders curving to appear smaller.
“I’m sorry.” My voice comes out choked, desperation clear in my tone as I sit there shaking.
“You will be. Tell me, what do you think of Cruz? Do you fancy him?” He asks absently, leaning over the table to his right as he snorts coke in a straight line, he shakes his head as he sinks back into the chair.
He’s gazing across the room and when I follow his gaze, Cruz is leaning against the bar with my mom stroking his cock over his jeans as he stares at me without blinking.
I'm at a loss for words. I feel like this is a test. Did Cruz really talk to him earlier or was he only messing with me to stalk me like the creep he is?
“I think- I’m not. What does-,” I’m cut off as Payne bursts into laughter that causes everyone else to laugh and the music to start playing again.
“So pathetic. Get out of my sight girl.” He waves his hand dismissing me as he starts kissing Doris’ neck but her attention is right on me.
Her eyes are still wide and I see the fear in them but not for her. For me. She gives a small jerk of her chin, telling me to get out of here. To get away from the man whose mission in life is to cause me unbearable pain until I’m all cut up and it’s damn hard to escape at that point. Cruz can’t have me and he knows it unless Payne gives him a signal that I’m free game so he’s resorted to Lorrie instead. She makes me sick especially when she drops down to her knees in front of Cruz and unbuckles his belt, which gives me flashbacks at night of him taking it off with the metal hooks clinking together. Funny how the smallest thing can control us, like a noise or smell that brings it all back in seconds.
I don’t waste time to get away, I’m halfway across the room in seconds and ignoring the hands groping my breasts and squeezing my ass when I pass by with my head down. It doesn’t matter because I can’t see their faces, too many club members crowded in one place. It could be all of them or none at all, just phantom hands from my past that I can’t escape. I’m losing my mind.
That’s me, Tillie, the girl who can’t fight back and I begin to wonder if this is how it all ends. There is no fork in the road for me, it’s just a straight road into misery. Collapsing onto my bed after shoving my desk chair under my doorknob, I stare up at my ceiling fan as it slowly spins.
Am I tired? Yes, but the moment I close my eyes, my brain shuts off and the nightmares happen that cause me to wake up screaming into my pillow as I bite it to stifle the almost inhuman sounds I make. To top my night off… I still have homework to do and school in a couple of hours.
Tillie
Breath in… breath out…
The scent alone causes me to cower, to breathe from my mouth so I can pretend he’s not in the room with me. The windowless basement with the smell of mold and the tangy taste of copper lingering in the air is something I’ll never be able to erase from my senses. Welcome to the darkest, deepest part of my memory. Fuck you memories, you think I want to repeat this in my head a thousand times a day? No, but the brain is a fickle thing because it doesn’t listen to you one bit, you're basically a puppet being pulled by the puppet master.
