27
Kat
With my hands tucked under my cheek as I lay on my side on the bed, I stare at the envelope Granger’s mother gave me. I’ve been doing this for three nights straight, but I don’t have the energy to move. I’ve been holed up in Mary’s dorm room, taking over her space and living in her bed like a hermit.
The first night, I got it all out of my system. Spilled every word Victoria told me to my best friend, who didn’t say a word until I was finished. Then she handed me an ice cream container and told me to cry into the bucket while I ate my heartbreak. That’s what best friends are for. She’s been yelling at Beast over the phone, and I kind of feel bad because he didn’t do anything to deserve that, but the thought of having him around just reminds me of Granger.
I miss Captain like crazy, and I’m not sure how that’s possible after all the lies. It’s still running through my head, and I don’t get how he could accuse me of seeing another guy, but it was plain as day on his face that that’s what he thought. Day two, I called Nadia and told her I have the flu so I could skip figure skating practice along with work, and curled up in the dark. I don’t have class until Wednesday, which should be fine as long as Jeff leaves me the hell alone, but Friday is going to be difficult. Being in the same room as Granger and wanting to be near him with every fiber in my being is going to be hard. I should hate him, but I don’t. In the back of my mind, I realize I should’ve let him explain, but maybe I’m just not ready to hear what he has to say. Sometimes you just need time, and I hope one day I can open myself up to him.
So here I am, locked away in a dorm room where I’ve overstayed my welcome, hiding from the world, and staring at an envelope that scares me. What the heck could be in there that my father is hiding? The last piece of my mom probably. That thought saddens me, but it's time to move forward. With a groan, I roll out of bed and grab the envelope with trembling fingers. Sitting crossed legged on the bed, I slowly peel it open and pull the contents out. Tears gather in my eyes, spilling over as I recognize Mom’s handwriting. She left me a letter.
Hi sweet child,
You're probably older by now, since you’re reading this instead of me getting a chance to tell you myself, and I’m no longer, well, here in a sense. Since before you were born, I’ve always wanted what’s best for you. I prayed for a miracle child to love and hold close in my arms. That moment when you opened those blue eyes and looked at me so silently, content as we stared at each other for hours, it was as if you knew I was going to be your mother always.
I’m still here, Kat. I’ll never leave your side, even when you can’t see me. Just place your hand over your heart and think of me. I just want you to know you are loved. I tried to show you every day I could, and it may not show the same way as me, but your father cares for you in his own way. I care for your father, I always will, but the truth is I entered a marriage that was loveless from the beginning. I gave your father a chance because I think he cared for me in his own way too. But in the end, I had you and that’s all that mattered to me. I want you to do me a favor, to keep going after your dreams, even when you feel like falling down. Most importantly, and never forget this…don’t give up trying to find the love that steals your breath away. Those chances only come into our lives once in a lifetime. Chase after it… hold it close… And love with your whole heart, sweet child.
In this Will, I give everything to the one person I’ll always love, even when I’m gone. You're my everything, and I need you to remember that.
Love you, sweet child of mine,
Mom
Clutching the letter to my chest, I sob until I can’t any more. A whimper escapes my mouth as I look through blurry eyes at the document right next to the letter. She left me everything, every last piece. Then the years of being alone come back at full force. The lies, the abuse, the hateful words my father threw at me just because of this small little piece of paper.
The door unlocks and Mary’s dancing footsteps enter the room, but I can’t look away from my letter. She rushes over to my crouched position on the floor, grabbing my shoulder until I look at her, and I wonder when I ended up here on the floor.
“My God, Kat! Are you okay? What happened? Is it that Captain butthole? I’m going to kick his ass!” She starts to rise, but I grab her hand and pull her down until she’s sitting next to me.
Wordlessly, I pass the documents and letter over to her. She looks confused but quickly starts to read, her brows climbing up her forehead and her eyes narrowing the longer she reads. The letters drop into her lap, and she just sits there with me, staring at nothing for a long time.
“Here’s what you're going to do. Tomorrow morning, we’re going to go downtown and get into Mr. and Mrs. Wilder’s office and have a chat with them. Then you're going to take that bastard's money away from him until every last cent is gone. But first, go.” I glance at her in confusion, watching her stand up and grab my skates. “Get the hell out of here and go skate right now. You need this.” Her voice leaves no room for arguments.
And I’m really not going to disagree, because she’s right. I can’t think clearly after everything that’s happened, and the only peace I’ll find is on the ice.
“I’ll be back in a little bit.” Once the idea is in my head, there's no stopping me. The ice is calling to me to let go and skate.
* * *
Surprisingly,the athletic department was open, but old country music is blaring in the back where Bob’s office is, so he must be here. I wish I’d brought him some coffee and wonder what he’s doing here so late at night. Heading back to the maintenance shop, I knock on the open door so I don’t startle him.
“Bob?” At my voice, he sticks his head around the hood of the Zamboni with a happy smile on his wrinkled face. “The front entrance door was unlocked… Is it okay if I skate for a little bit?” I ask, shuffling on my feet as he gives me a knowing look, wiping his hands on a greased rag.
“Of course, Kat. I was just working on this old hunk of a machine. Old girl’s been acting funny, so I thought I’d get her ready before the team shows up in the morning. Take as long as you need, and holler if you need me.” He chuckles, patting his beloved Zamboni on the side and waving over his shoulder as he bends over the hood again.
I practically run to the bleachers to put my skates on. A few lights are shining on the rink, begging me to slide across the ice until my chest stops aching. The moment my blades touch down, I’m taking off in a smooth glide with the sound of my skates chipping away at the ice and my labored breathing in the cold air. It’s freeing with my hair down, blowing behind me as my feet move left and right at a slow pace.
I tip my head back and start to close my eyes with my arms wide on either side of me, but the banner above catches my attention before my eyes drift closed. Granger’s intense green eyes stare down at me in the photo, and it’s right then that I realize he’s not smiling in the picture. He mainly only smiles when he’s around me…like I truly make him happy. My groan echoes around the quietness as my thoughts confuse me. What if what we had was really real and not fake? The possibility of Victoria lying is high, but the baby truth wasn’t, I could tell by how guilty he looked when he could hardly glance at me in the eyes.
What the hell am I doing? Why do I have to find a way to make myself miserable, as if I don’t deserve happiness? I need to see him, to find out the truth. To look him in those green eyes I love and just know if what we had is real.
I keep skating until I’m short of breath, my feet hardly touching down as the anger melts away with each flying leap. My leg bends and my right foot taps the ice at the pick, causing my body to leap off the ice with every small swirl. I repeat this until my throat is sore from the cold and my shaking legs collapse onto the ice, the cold surface seeping into my calves. With my hands braced on my knees, I only feel pushed this hard because I’m missing something in my life I’m supposed to be chasing. I need to look at Granger in the eyes right now, and I don’t care what time it is. We need to talk. To get it all out before it’s too late.
With that decision, I quickly exit the ice with clarity for the first time in a long time. I’m chasing after him and not letting go, because I need to believe…believe in him. Not bothering to untie my laces, I tug my skates off with desperate yanks and hop from one foot to the other in a rush as I slip into my shoes. As I’m running past the tunnels to the exit, a male shadow that looks like Granger turns the corner into the locker room. What are the chances Granger is here too? Very likely, because we always seemed to bump into each other as if destiny had a plan to make sure he was placed into my life.
“Granger!” My shout echoes as my feet start moving to run after him, hearing cupboards close on the other side of the locker room door once I stop at the entrance.
Pushing the door open, I peek my head around the corner to make sure I’m not walking into anyone changing. You never know. Another shuffling noise comes from the back of the room, and I follow through the maze of lockers with only a few lights on. The shape of a man is crouched before a locker that is definitely not Granger’s, and he isn’t as tall or broad shouldered as him.
