Prologue
Beep.
Beep.
A long pause between each heartbeat has me jumping out of the reclining hospital chair in a rush and banging my shin against the lowered bed railing. My frantic blurry eyes are searching for the monitor in the small, cold sanitized room. I quickly rub away the sleep from my tired eyes as my legs carry me over in a dazed state to the corner of the room behind her bedside table to check her heartbeat rhythm.
Beep…beep…beep.
The heartbeats are spreading further apart every few seconds, and my stomach drops as the reality that this is happening sets in. I know what this means, but I can’t quite accept it. I’m not going to! Everything is going to change.
I can feel her staring at my hunched shoulders from behind, so I relax them with a deep breath for her benefit and swirl around to face her while trying to give her a smile. She always said my smile is made of sunshine and brightens up any room. The moment I make eye contact, the tears I’m desperately trying to hold back fill my eyes to the brim. As each tear splashes on the cold tiled floors, I feel a bit of my heart slip away with them. She holds her arms out to me, and a choked sob escapes me as I run to her bedside. As I climb in, I notice her breathing is shallow and weak, but she has the strength to hold me as tight as she can in her frail arms. We wrap our arms around each other and lie side by side while we say our last goodbyes. I’m not ready, but the choice was taken away from us. My head tucks under her chin as I attempt to hide my crying, but surely, she feels my tears splash against her thin, fragile body. Her finger hooks under my chin to bring my gaze up to her, and she offers a watery smile. She has no fear in her eyes, only acceptance of what’s happening. She slides her weak hand through my blonde locks and cups my cheek, smoothing away the tears that keep trailing down my face.
“There she is. My sweet Kat. I’m here, I’m always going to be right here for you,” she croaks out while placing her hand over my heart. I sob uncontrollably, gasping for each breath.
“Mom, please.” I’m not sure who I’m really begging to. Maybe to her to not give up, or for God to let her stay. I need her here with me always.
A sad tender smile over takes her face as her eyes drift shut, then she laces our hands together and places them between us.
“Don’t stop going after your dreams, sweet girl, and know I’m by your side every step of the way. I love you,” she rasps out in a soft whisper that I barely hear.
I don’t know how long we lie there side by side—it could be minutes or hours—but eventually, the monitor slows until I can’t hear her heartbeats any longer. I climb off the bed on weak, shaking legs and bend down to kiss her forehead one last time with my tears splashing on her face.
“I love you, mom. ” My voice comes out choked, and I only look back once more before stepping towards the door that leads out into the dimly lit hallway. As Nurse Angie walks by, I reach my hand out to stop her. She’s been my mom’s nurse for the past six months, and she’ll have to know. She made sure she was comfortable and gave me the peace of being with Mom in her final moments.
“Have you seen my father?” My voice is barely there, a catch in the breeze among the quiet hallway.
With an expression full of pity around her crinkled eyes and sadness impressed on her lips, she shakes her head no. I wrap my arms around myself and nod back before croaking out, “My mom—” I can’t say she’s gone, because I’m unable to speak past the lump in my throat.
“My condolences, Miss Whitmore. I’ll handle everything and take care of her for you. I’m sorry for your loss,” she says with her hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly before letting go. I offer a watery smile that slips and a quiet thank you before turning around, feeling her pitying gaze follow my retreating form.
As I near the hospital doors to wait for the limo to pull up, I’m beginning to realize I’ve never felt more alone, and I can’t help wondering where my father is. He should’ve been here in her final moments.
Three weeks later
The landscapeof the city below is bright and still moving with the hustle of Boston life, but everything seems to have lost color for me, and I’m really not seeing it at all. I’ve been sitting at the dining table for hours, looking out the windows that overlook the night sky of the city below. With my knees pressed to my chest, I wrap my arms around them to pretend I’m still gripping onto life and not falling apart. A sharp pain stabs into my clenched fist, and the pressure releases when I open my palm slowly to see I’m still holding onto Mom’s favorite silver necklace. When she was deep in thought, she used to fiddle with it, her brow wrinkled. It holds a single light blue crystal in the middle of a tiny silver feather, and she once told me this necklace reminds her that anything can be free if you only let go. Mom gave this necklace to me weeks before she passed away, but I haven’t had the courage to put it on, because the thought of ever losing it, losing the one last piece of her, will shatter me. It’s all I have left. My fingers idly play with it as I begin to wonder when my father will make an appearance from the office he’s locked himself in. When I went to check on him after the funeral, the one he didn’t show up to, the disaster of the room and the sight of him made me feel like I was staring at a stranger. With empty liquor bottles of scotch to keep him company, he bellowed for me to leave him alone, and a shattering of a glass hitting the door after I closed it had me racing to get away as if the pits of hell were chasing me. He didn’t show up to her burial either, leaving me to stand alone by my mother's grave as they lowered her down, and I’ll never forgive him for that. Mom came from old money, a rich family, but none of her lasting relatives showed. It was just me. I stood in the rain for what seemed like hours, wondering if life would ever start moving again.
A stench of strong alcohol hits my nose at the same time Father comes stumbling into the dining room and starts to rage behind me in a yelling fit. Jumping in surprise from my seat, I spin around and cringe at the sight of him. Gone is the father I thought I once knew, and in the place of him is a monster. He hasn’t handled her death very well, seeking answers at the bottom of the bottle and taking his rage out on me every time he sees me. His nostrils flare when he notices what I’m holding in my hand. He snatches Mom’s necklace out of my grip, leaving a burning sensation on my palm from the metal as it scrapes me, all the while sneering down at me with his face turning a purple shade. A slap echoes around the room, and all I can do is stare in stunned silence as I cup my throbbing cheek.
“You own nothing of your mother’s belongings, and you never will. It should have been mine… What are you staring at? I can’t stand the sight of you! I didn't want children, you know, but she did. I gave her that, and now she's gone, leaving you here with me. It should have been you, not her! Go to your room, you little bitch!” He spits as he shouts inches from my face, spittle flying everywhere as I retreat back a step and rush around him under his swinging arm before he can hit me again. My bedroom door slams behind me as I breathe heavily while clenching and unclenching my fist from the absence of her necklace. Everything was taken from me, and my mind locks away a little bit at a time, until I feel like I have nothing else to give. Sliding down to the floor with my back against the door, I sob my heart out from loss and despair. I’ve been alone since the day mom passed away, but nothing could have prepared me just how alone I truly am now.
