She nods but says nothing.
“I can’t protect you if I don’t know everything from start to finish.”
“I know, Javi.”
Silence lingers between us for so long I wonder if I’m going to have to command her to tell me what’s going on. Just as I’m ready to put my hands on her arms and press her back, she leans away from me, and our gazes meet.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. I’m sorry I got you into the middle of this. I’m sorry those two words aren’t nearly enough to make up for what’s already happened and what inevitably will happen. All I can say is this is why I tried to keep my distance from everyone. Getting involved with the O’Sheehans never ends well.”
“You’ve been with Drew for a while.”
“Iwaswith Drew, not have been. I’mnotwith him anymore.”
She snaps her mouth shut, and I know she’s unsure whether to say she’s with me. My gut screams, “of course she is,” but this isn’t just about me. It’s my entire family she’s brought into this mess. There’s no way it won’t roll downhill and wind up in my family’s lap. There’s no way I can deal with this alone. Inevitably, it’ll draw them all in. It makes me want to scrub my hands over my face, but I withstand the temptation.
“I met Drew at the hospital where I was a midwife because his sister had her baby there. I helped deliver the little boy. It took me a while before I agreed to go on our first date. He was persistent but charming. It never felt like too much. He seemedinterested, but my new job had crazy hours, so dating didn’t feel possible. It wasn’t exactly that he wore me down because I liked him, so I found ways to make it work. For the first two years we were together, I had no idea who and what he was. He kept it all from me.”
She pauses, and I sense she’s trying to gauge whether I believe her. I nod, and she flashes me a half-hearted smile.
“Two years ago, he fully embraced his role as boss. It was just before we moved in together. I’m still amazed he pulled off hiding everything from me. Rather than break up with me, and I suppose risk me telling people I’d been with a mob boss, he just tightened his hold on me literally and figuratively. He became insanely possessive and began to hurt me. He’d always had a nasty streak to him when we argued, but it wasn’t enough to make it unbearable. He’d say things to be hurtful, but it got far worse once I found out who he was. The things he said and the things he did. It was about two months into me fully knowing what was going on that he pressured me to help him. It began with little things like patching up his guys when they got injured. Then it was having me come on some of his missions in case the guys got hurt.”
“He what? He had you go on missions with him?”
Incredulous. That’s the only way to describe how I feel hearing that.
“Yeah, I was always a couple blocks away, but I was there. I didn’t argue with him because it just didn’t feel worth it. The consequences were too many bruises or threats. He wound up controlling all of my life, or at least he thought so. He thought he controlled who I saw, who I called, where I went, and how I spent my money. He doesn’t know I took on some extra jobs here and there and sold my art, but I also skimmed off the top.”
When she says that last bit, I think I finally found what can make my jaw truly hit the floor.
“Skimmed off the top of what, Maddy?”
“Off the deals he made me do.”
“You better explain exactly what you mean by that because right now my mind’s going to the worst possible scenario.”
“He didn’t whore me out or anything like that, but I spent a lot of time going back and forth between Albany, Rochester, Buffalo, and Ontario.”
I let that sink in, not because I don’t understand, just the opposite.
“He made you a drug mule?”
She’s pulling a “me” right now. Just like I’ll go silent when she asks questions I can’t or won’t answer, she’s doing the same thing to me. But her silence tells me everything I need to know.
“Maddy, why? Why did you stay with him for so long? You could’ve told Maks. You could’ve toldTíoEnrique. You could’ve told your parents. You could’ve even told the O’Rourkes. You had so many options. Why?”
She grits her teeth and clenches her fists.
“I take it you’ve never been the victim of domestic violence, have you? Why does any woman stay in a situation like that? It sure as fuck wasn’t because I thought I could change him.”
“You really believed there was no way out?”
“If you’d seen what he did to me the couple of times I tried to leave, or he thought I was telling Laura something, you’d understand. I didn’t believe I’d survive the time it took for Maks and his family to get to me if he found out. But it finally got too unbearable, so I risked dying. That would have been better than staying.”
I cup her jaw and brush my thumb over her cheekbone. I do it often because it soothes me.
“Chiquita, if only I’d known.”
“I know that, Javi. I’m certain everybody in my life will say that when they find out.” She looks toward the window, hervoice distant, her mind obviously far away. “But it just wasn’t as simple as walking away.”
