He pauses while he looks at me, the rest of that thought heavy in the air.
“That reputation is earned now. It means there’s nothing I won’t do to protect you. I’m certain there’s plenty you aren’ttelling me. I’m certain all of it puts you in more danger than I know already. I want you to promise me something.”
His gaze bores into me. I know he doesn’t expect me to swear my promise without hearing it first. I’ve refused every time in the past. He just wants me to know there’s not an inch of wiggle room in this.
“If you even remotely think something would worry me, then you will tell me immediately. It doesn’t matter whether you think it’s a big deal or not. It’s whether I would think it matters.”
“I can’t?—”
“No, not yet. I’m not done.”
My chin jerks back.
“I’m not looking for domestic discipline with you or anyone else. I know you’re not a Little either. But if you don’t come to me, if you put yourself in danger by my standards, then I will punish you. It’ll be more than just a spanking. You’ll give up certain freedoms until I decide to give them back. Regardless, you’re going to have a security detail. But I will put you under lock and key if that’s what it takes formeto feel you’re safe. Can you live with that?”
That’s a shit ton to take in, but it’s not unappealing to me. As I consider what he’s telling me, it should freak me the fuck out. It’s so close to the threats Drew made, but they were never about keeping me safe. They were about controlling me so I couldn’t leave. Drew never asked for my agreement. He just dictated to me. He punished me when I didn’t obey, but those punishments were abuse. They were never consensual.
So even though what Javi says sounds so much like the threats Drew made, they couldn’t be more different. And as I continue to think about what he said, the idea of domestic discipline isn’t wholly unappealing, which makes me think my head’s not screwed on right. It’s not what Javi’s into anyway, but it makes me curious.
“Maddy?”
“Yes, I promise I’m good with all of that.”
“Is there something else you want to say? Something else you want?”
“I don’t know.”
That’s honest, because I’m not sure what I want at this point. Things are moving so fucking fast right now. I barely know up from down, left from right. The only certainty I have is I’ll do just about anything Javi tells me at this point.
“What I just said, Maddy, about it not being domestic discipline. Is that what you were used to?”
“No, I definitely wouldn’t call it that.”
He stares at me, and it’s so intense, it tempts me to look away. But I’m pulling on my big girl panties again, and I sit here unflinching.
“He abused you frequently, didn’t he?”
I dip my chin.
I’ve just signed Drew’s death warrant, as though it isn’t already a foregone conclusion once Javi figures everything out. But now that I’ve admitted he abused me, there’s no way Javier Diaz is going to let Drew live. It’s not in his nature to be that forgiving of something like that.
I know it, and I’ve accepted it.
“Then do you want domestic discipline between us?”
“I don’t know exactly what that would look like, so I don’t know, Javi. I want to share my thoughts and disagree with you. I don’t feel like I need you to correct me if I do something you don’t like or don’t agree with. But knowing you’d be in charge—in control even—is reassuring. It takes a weight off my shoulders. It’s not that I can’t deal with my own problems, but it certainly would be nice to have the burden shared and to know you take my well-being seriously enough you won’t accept anybody, including me, putting it at risk.”
“So, if I consider whatever you do a danger to you, then you give me permission to punish you or correct you however I think you need it?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. This is a lot.”
Am I really considering giving a man who’s even deadlier than my ex-boyfriend carte blanche to punish me?
Yeah, because he’s not the one who’ll beat you to death if he catches you.
Chapter Eleven
Javier
