Rachel. Not Georgina?
She could have gotten angry at Finn in retaliation for his blame, yet she didn’t. All Edie felt at that moment was hurt for what Finn was feeling. He had said himself he didn’t want to do the trial, now she could see why. But he was the best surgeon around, if anyone could make this trial a success, Finn Cooper could.
Edie took hold of Finn’s hand in hers. His shoulders slumped now; his face looked exhausted.
“I’m so sorry Georgina died, Finn,” Edie said. “I think the best thing to do right now is to sit down for a while and collect your thoughts. You look distressed and I don’t want you to say anything else that will hurt or jeopardise your position here. I’ll tell George, the husband, what has happened. Are your surgical team still in theatre? Can I get an update from them before I go to the husband?”
Finn nodded, not looking at Edie.
“Look, there’s a water machine here, let me get you a drink,” she said.
She let go of his hand gently and walked around the tables and chairs to the back of the room and the water dispenser. The sun was streaming in the window, hot on her face as she held the paper cup under the spout and filled it with cool water. She was hurting and she was trying not to focus on the blame Finn had just placed on her. He was finding this difficult. And she knew she had behaved unfairly last night. Edie chewed her bottom lip and tried to work out how to rectify the situation. The water spilled over the sides of the cup and tricked over Edie’s fingers. The shock of the coldness drew her back to the room.
“Look,” she said, heading back over to Finn. “Perhaps I need to explain? Will you sit down?”
“Why are you not shouting at me?” Finn interrupted.
Edie stopped in her tracks. A little of the water splashed out over the rim of the cup at the change in movement.
“Do you want me to be shouting at you?” she said.
She placed the cup down on the table beside her. Finn shook his head, but he looked unsure.
“Would it make you feel better about what’s just happened if I was shouting back? Do you want me to raise my voice? Tell me what you need me to do and I’ll do it, Finn. You need to get through this, just the same as all the other people who are involved need to get through this. You’re not immune because you’re a surgeon. You need to do it in your own way. If that way is coming to find me to start an argument, then let’s just do it now.”
If he didn’t have the wall behind him, Edie thought that Finn would have taken a step backwards.
“I don’t know,” he said. “But I just accused you of being the reason Georgina died on the operating table. I thought you would be defending yourself, at least.”
“Why do I need to defend myself, Finn?” she asked. “Iknow I wasn’t to blame. I am sure that you were giving your all to the surgery and that you weren’t distracted by what happened last night, as I’m also assuming that’s what you meant by saying I distracted you. Because I certainly wasn’t in the theatre.”
Edie could feel the heat rising in her voice and took a moment to regain her composure. She needed to deescalate the situation, not make it worse.
“You may feel as though that’s the reason Georgina has died. Because you felt distracted. That it’s a blame that you can place on me instead of having to feel it yourself. But can I just say,youare not to blame either.”
Finn’s face drained of all its colour. He took a step towards Edie and she replied by walking back over to him. They were close now. She could smell the muskiness of his skin mingled with the spice of his aftershave and a shiver ran up her spine and tickled her hair. He took another step closer to her, his eyes still on the floor.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and Edie let out a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding. “It wasn’t your fault at all. I just don’t think I can do this. It’s too hard. I’m not good enough to save these people.”
Edie furrowed her brow and tried to regain her composure. It was difficult to do that in such close proximity to Finn.
“Youcando this, Finn. Youaregood enough. Your past doesn’t define you in the way you think it does. Not everyone is tainted by what happened to you, sometimes people are just beyond saving. Like Georgina today. That was no-one’s fault except the evil cancer that had spread through her body and made it impossible for her to be saved. But this is why we are doing this trial, to help others, to try and find a way to treat the tumours. To stop the cancer before it becomes too late. The patients on this trial knew there was a huge chance that they could die, but they still wanted to try, don’t give up on them now. You’re giving them hope. And you’re giving all those other people out there with the same condition hope. What is there left if all the hope is gone? You are doing a good thing by helping others, please don’t let your past bring you down again. Georgina didn’t die because of your past.”
Finn raised his chin and looked directly at Edie. Her breath was once again whisked from her body with the ferocity of his gaze.
“Then tell me why you ran away last night, if it wasn’t because you were scared about my past,” he said.
“I will do, one day, Finn, I promise,” she said. “But I just can’t at the moment. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” he said, and he wrapped his arms around her so tightly she felt like she never wanted him to let go.
8
I’m sorry.
Two little words that Finn normally found so difficult to say, had tripped off his tongue when Edie had been involved. Now he just had his operating team to apologise to. Edie had made him promise he would go and make amends when he had told her how he had reacted. And to his surprise, he found himself agreeing.
The porters had taken Georgina’s body away. She would be made ready for the family to come and pay their respects and say goodbye. Finn found his team in the locker room, pulling back on their day clothes. He realised he was still in his scrubs and walked over to his own locker, feeling the tension mounting in the room.
