My eyes are gritty, and I have a sore throat. Maybe I’m coming down with something. Because I’m finding it really hard tobreathe too.
I’ve been this way pretty much since I left Ivy’s house. Ivy, who looked at me with such disappointment, that I felt lowerthan shit on a shoe. Gray didn’t even bother to look my way. He shut down completely and muttered something about taking arun.
The ticket agent informs me that I have a seat on the last row of the plane. Another bonus: all the people waiting to usethe bathroom will stand there, shoving their asses in my face.
If you weren’t such a chickenshit, you’d still be in bed with Dex. Which is now officially the best place in the entire world.
I tell myself to shut up.
Boarding pass in hand, I turn, pulling my carry-on bag behind me, and nearly smack into a couple kissing.
Fuck a duck.
They’re going at it. Not in a gross, slobbering way, but... in a romantic, you’re-my-air way. Dude holds his girl’s cheekswith care as he tilts his head and goes in deeper. She clutches his back as if she’ll never let him go.
And here I am, staring like a perv. I can’t help it. I now know how it feels to kiss like that. The consuming fire of it,the way my entire body sways into my lover’s with the need to sink into his flesh and bones and become part of him.
The pain in my throat swells outward, lodging hard in my chest. I stalk around the couple and blindly race for the TSA line.
But it’s no use. I can’t stop my thoughts. Or the pain.
Like a zombie, I wait at the gate. Like a zombie, I board the plane, find my seat. It isn’t until yet another couple settlesinto the row in front of me—the guy helping his girl put her bag in the overhead before giving her cheek a kiss—that I break.
Biting back a sob, I fumble for my bag and search for my phone.
I call up the wrong number twice, my finger shakes so badly.Stupid. I was so stupid.The thought that I’ve ruined everything has my entire chest clenching tight. Around me passengers are finding their seats,a toddler is whining for Cheerios.
And the phone keeps ringing. Dex’s gruff message starts up.
I blink hard. Just hearing his voice gets to me. But is it a bad sign that I’ve gone straight to voice mail? Is he avoidingmy call? I wouldn’t blame him.
I hate leaving a message. But part of me is relieved that I can say what I have to say and then hang up, without the threatof him telling me he’s done.
Please don’t be done with me!
“Hey, it’s me. Fi. Shit, that rhymes. I hate it when I inadvertently rhyme. I mean, if you’re going to do a rhyme, own it, right?”
Shut up, Fi.I take a breath, my palm slipping on the case of my phone.
“I... ah... There was this couple kissing. By the ticket counter. I don’t know if they were leaving each other or reconnecting.But they were so into each other, you know? And it hit me. I’ll never kiss you again. Never feel your arms holding me close.And...”
Shit, I’m about to blubber. My hand wipes so hard at my eyes it stings. I swallow hard. “It hurt, Ethan. Too much. How canthat be? How can it be that you already feel like a part of me? But I guess you are because the idea of never being with youagain... Fuck. I’m babbling. Again. But Ethan—”
The loudspeaker blares, announcing that it’s time to cut off all electronics.
I hunch over, turning my body toward the window. “Ethan, forget what I said, okay? I’m sorry. I was being a coward. I wantyou. Just you. I don’t care about the rest. Please say it isn’t too late. That I didn’t fuck us up before we really began.”
“Miss?” The flight attendant is hovering. “You have to turn off your phone now.”
I glance at her, tears in my eyes, holding up a hand. “I’ve got to go,” I say into the phone. “I’ll be in New York tonight.I... just... I’m sorry, okay? Call me?” I lick my dry lips. “Okay, then. Bye.”
Ending the call, I sit back and stare out the small window. And hope he still wants me too.
Seventeen
Dex
I don’t see the message waiting for me until I’m out of the shower and scrubbing a towel over my dripping hair. I don’t knowhow long I stand there, phone in my hand, deliberating over whether I want to hear what Fiona has to say now or later.
