I was dust. Particles of nothing. I couldn’t even get enough of myself together to be angry. “For fuck’s sake,” I said wearily. “You were there at Nathaniel’s too. You heard what I said. I could never hurt you. And you could never be a monster to me.”
“Then why”—for the first time he faltered, a hint of something desperate and uncertain creeping into his words—“why did you do it?”
Because I want you so badly and it hurts so much I went temporarily insane?“Because I’d taken coke earlier and was out of my fucking mind.”
His wholeI’m not angry with you, Ardenthing cracked like a carnival mask, leaving him pale with fury, and glaring at me with wolfish ferocity. “You. Did. What?”
“I. Did. Drugs.”
“Why?”
Because I want you so badly and it hurts so much I went temporarily insane?“Because I’m in my early twenties and it was New Year’s Eve and I was partying like someone in their early twenties on New Year’s Eve.”
“If you ever do that again, I’ll—”
“You’ll what?” I asked, with genuine curiosity.
He caught me by my pyjama top and dragged me to my feet, which took some doing because I was still wobbly, and basically deadweight. “What were you thinking?” he growled, directly into my shocked little face. “I believed you would have more sense than to jeopardise your career, your future, and your health for a transitory distraction.”
“Um…I don’t know how to say this in a good way, but it’s pretty weird hearing this from you when Ellery has been using for years.”
He closed his eyes for a moment, the crease I always wanted to stroke away with my fingers appearing between his brows. “And you don’t think I’ve done everything in my power to stop her?”
“I…” Whatever sparks of defiance I’d conjured from the ashes of my self-esteem fizzled out. “I’m sorry. It was stupid and I wish I hadn’t and I hurt Ellery and I feel awful and now…it’s in the papers and it’s icky.”
“I’ll have the story suppressed.”
“Can you do that?”
“Yes,” he said simply. “It’s not significant except personally. But Arden?”
I peeped up at him.
“Promise me you will never do anything like this again.”
“Believe me, I’ve learned my lesson. I promise.”
He seemed to realise he was still holding me. There was nothing sexy or romantic about it—I actually felt like a puppy that needed to be yanked out of its own poo—but he let me go abruptly, a hint of pink creeping over the crests of his cheekbones.
God. How was he so beautiful? Impossible that he had ever been just a little bit mine.
Leaving me on the sofa, safely back in my duvet, he went to make calls. I tried not to listen but the warehouse was full of echoes and kept bringing his voice back to me. I think he was talking to Finesilver and he sounded angry. I even caught the wordsshould have brought this to me before, which was both vindicating and uncomfortable-making.
At last he came back to me, phone in one hand, coat over his arm. Even after all the months I’d spent with him, Casual!Caspian was still something of a rare beast to me and I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed this slightly softer side to him. It reminded me of his arms around me while we’d washed dishes in Kinlochbervie. The snuggly weekend we’d spent together after Boston. I’d never seen him in a creased shirt, though. He must have dashed out of the house like whoa.
“We believe this may be the work of Boyle,” he said. “I understand he’s been harassing you?”
I don’t know why some part of me balked at causing trouble for Boyle, because he certainly had no compunction in causing trouble for me. “Only a little bit?”
“Finesilver will assist you in filing a restraining order.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“The story is, of course, out there now, but I’ll ensure it doesn’t spread, assuming you do nothing further to feed it.”
Probably I should have done more to resist Caspian’s forceful brand of problem solving and caretaking. But I’d screwed up big-time. My pride could pay the price. “I won’t.”
There was a pause.
