“Yes, I”—a bemused expression crossed his face—“haven’t entirely hated it either.”
“I aim to please.”
I grinned at him in what I hoped was a winning fashion, but he sort of flinched. “I don’t have much interest in my own pleasure and I’d prefer it wasn’t a concern for others.”
“Sorry.” I can’t say I was all that okay with the idea, but it was a world of not my call. “I mean, I wouldn’t want you to do anything against your comfort on my behalf. But if it helps, you pleased me.”
It was the first time I’d really seen him smile. And, God, what a smile it was, as heart-stoppingly perfect as the rest of him. “Thank you.”
We left our booth, eased our way through the crowds and out into the street. I wasn’t entirely sure how to say goodbye—it didn’t seem like we were in hug territory yet—so I just mumbled something incoherent, slung my bag over my shoulder, and took off. The day had properly taken its toll, and I was seriously looking forward to falling face-first onto my mattress, except something made me pause. Glance behind me. And there was Ilya, a lost angel in the fading light, watching me leave.
I went back. “Are you all right?”
He nodded slowly.
“Are you sure?”
Another nod.
Clearly, I could ask a thousand times and not get a different answer. But I could recognise not-okayness when it was standing right in front of me. Weirdly, it made me think of Nik—who for three years of my life had been there for me, in my okayness, and not-okayness, and everything in between. Guess it was time to pay it forward.
“Look,” I said, “if you don’t want to be alone right now—which is something I totally get—you can come home with me. Though I should warn you, I live with Ellery and there will be no food, probably no hot water, and also people sitting around singing about dead babies.”
His gaze slid away from mine. “I…”
“And I’m going to be shit company.”
“I’ll be in your way.”
“I’ll be unconscious. You will not be in my way.”
“Then”—he swallowed—“yes. Thank you.”
“Just be aware: If I keel over from exhaustion en route, you’ll have to give me a piggyback.”
I was kidding. Mostly. But of course, Ilya didn’t take it that way—and for a second or two, I really thought he was going to sweep me up Disney prince style. It was kind of a relief, in the end, that he didn’t. Between Caspian and Nathaniel, and my own confused, hurting little heart, my world felt enough like Silly Putty as it was. Maybe if I…if things…if Ilya…had been just one squeeze of lemon juice different, then letting him carry me home could have been the start of something. And the end. But we weren’t and it wasn’t. And so we walked back together, with the loss of the man we both loved between us like a shadow.
Chapter 14
An hour or so later, I arrived home with Ilya. An event which didn’t even merit a slow blink from Ellery.
“Hi, Bellerose,” she said. “The bathroom’s a state if you want to clean it.”
Somewhere between the Tube station and the warehouse, he’d started carrying my stuff. I still wasn’t quite sure how it had happened, but one thing had emerged clearly from the experience: My shoulder bag made me look like a womble; Ilya wore it like it was high fashion. Right now, he put it carefully down by the door. “I’d be glad to.”
“No way.” I made what I hoped was an Ellery-checking gesture. If such gestures even existed. “He’s not cleaning the bathroom.”
“Why not? It needs doing.”
“He’s my guest. Guests do not clean bathrooms.”
Ellery scowled. “He’s my brother’s lapdog.”
“Actually, he’s not. So you’re not going to get to Caspian through him.”
“Oh. Well, in that case, don’t bother.”
“What,” asked Ilya unhelpfully, “about the bathroom?”
