Font Size:

I swam a few lengths as vigorously as I could given my general weediness, thrashing up and down the pool like a stressed-out basking shark. Not that I had my mouth wide open or anything, on account of preferring not to drown, but if it had been possible to wear my emotional state on my face that would have been me: frozen in an epic oh fuck.

Moving helped. Turned the volume up somehow. Though eventually I just flipped onto my back and floated listlessly. I knew this wasn’t my shit. That it wasn’t about me and didn’t involve me. But, God, it was hard to watch. And it made me a traitor whatever happened: a bad friend or a bad…oh! Caspian had called me his partner. Which would have made me so happy if he hadn’t only done it to hurt someone else. Or maybe he thought he was protecting what was his from a perceived incursion.

And, wow, was that a recipe for all the ambiguous feelings. Because I loved thinking of myself as Caspian’s. I wanted to be claimed and possessed and treasured by him. But in this particular context—when it wasn’t about me or us at all—it was icky. It was icky as fuck.

I lost track of how long I drifted in the water. I wasn’t even sure if Caspian would still be there when I went back. Or how I’d face him. What I’d say. If, for that matter, there was anything to say. I mean, I knew full well that he could be like this. And also that it wasn’t a true reflection of who he was. Apparently, some families could really bring out the worst in each other. It made me extra glad for mine.

Of course, plenty of people thought we had a pretty weird setup. And, in all fairness I could see that, considering Mum and I were hiding from my dad with her girlfriend and her girlfriend’s husband in a majorly remote part of Scotland. But while nearly everyone I knew spoke about loving their folks as a duty they were resigned to…I actually liked mine. And I was starting to think that was a very special thing.

Back in the apartment, I found Caspian sitting on the sofa in the living area, his face turned toward the window, and his body thrown into silhouette against the gleaming afternoon.

It reminded me of the time I’d come down to London to yell at him. Before then, I’d only seen him amid Oxford’s golds. But this was his world: high windows and horizons. And later, once I’d got past the anger and the crying and the being kissed and being rejected, I’d thought about how alone he’d looked. An untouchable prince, caged by his own power.

Well, he wasn’t alone now.

I padded across the room and dropped to my knees beside him, a gesture not of submission but of offered closeness.

“Arden.” His hand moved. Then stilled.

I smiled up at him. And very gently nudged his thigh with my cheek. “Hey.”

“I owe you an apology.”

“For whose behavior?”

He had the grace to blush a little. “Mine.”

Silence.

More silence.

“I’m kind of waiting for it here,” I said.

At last he touched me—his fingers gathering a few drops of water from the tips of my hair. “I’m sorry. I’ve…I’ve been…”

He looked like he was struggling so I got helpful. “A complete dick?”

“That seems a fair description.” He went all quiet again for a second a two. “And I hope you know that I…that I don’t doubt you.”

“You say that, but you’re super quick to think I’ve banged your sister.”

He put his hand to his eyes, shielding even more of his expression from me. As if being in profile and tight-lipped just wasn’t remote enough. “I was jealous.”

“Of me and Ellery? There’s nothing there to be jealous of.”

“Of course there is. I’m jealous of how close you are. Of the intimacy you have.”

“All relationships are their own thing.” I pressed against his leg again, until his fingers curled through my still-damp hair. “We have our own intimacies.”

“But I may never be as easy with you as she is. I may never be able to give you that.”

“Do you want to?”

After a moment, he gave a swift, sharp nod.

“Then that’s enough for me.” I caught his wrist and bestowed a fleeting kiss upon his palm. “But you have to do better with Ellery, okay?”

He pulled away slightly. “I’m not sure I know how to.”