Leaving us standing in the middle of this emotional crater. At least, I was standing in an emotional crater. I had no idea what was going on with Caspian.
My voice floated out of me like a confused poltergeist. “I…I don’t think I can be here right now.”
“Get dressed. I’ll take you out.”
“Um. No? Thank you. I need to”—I made a helpless gesture—“be by myself for a bit. I might go for a swim?”
Caspian had become a stranger. Regarding me considerately. “I see. Would you like me to wait?”
“Would you like to?” Or maybe we had both become strangers, marooned on islands of courtesy.
“I’ll wait.”
I dug out my towel and a dressing gown, and changed into my trunks. Drank about a million gallons of water, grabbed my phone, and got the hell out of the apartment.
Say this for complete psychological devastation: it really put a hangover in perspective.
The pool was as serene as ever, the silvery light soothing my gritty eyes. Slumping down onto one of the fancy lounger things, I rang Ellery.
No answer. Of course not.
I rang again. And again. And again. And again.
Until at last, she answered. “Hi, Mum.”
“No, it’s me, Ard—oh wait, I see what you did there. Are you okay?”
I could almost hear her shrugging. “Sure.”
“You know I’m your friend, right?”
“I know you’re my friend with terrible taste in men.”
“And you’re okay?” I faffed miserably with my towel. “You promise.”
“Yeah, Arden, I double pinky swear. And, for the record, you’re being super-weird.”
“I just…I don’t know…I was afraid you might be…I don’t want you to…”
“What?”
My mouth formed a series of useless shapes. And then I blurted out, “Kill yourself.”
A long silence.
“Because of Caspian?”
“Um. Because of anything.”
She laughed. “Like he’d even care. Talk soon.”
And then she hung up.
I stared helplessly at my phone for a moment or two. Well. At least she was talking to me. And not…um. Dead. Sigh. Sigh forever.
Dragging off the dressing gown and leaving everything on the lounger, I plopped gingerly into the water. Only discovering how numbed-through I was when I heard my own splash before I felt the lap of heat against my skin.
And that was my body. Fuck knew what was going on in my brain.
