Yeah. That was deliberate. I was hoping he would remember the last time I’d said that to him. For a moment, he seemed to soften, his touch turning almost into a caress. It wouldn’t have taken much—just a hint of pressure—to send me to my knees again. I could have rested my head against his thigh and he could have run his fingers through my hair. I imagined his expression, open and at peace, like when he smoked.
But even as his hands made promises, his eyes were winter days, just ice and emptiness. And then he told me with terrible gentleness, “I’m saying no, Arden.”
Um, right.
Well.
Not really much I could say to that. At least, nothing that wouldn’t be pleading or sound creepy. There were names for people who didn’t take no for an answer, and I had no intention of being one.
Suddenly I wished he wasn’t this close. I didn’t want the heat of his hands or to see the silver filigree in his irises. But unless I started sliding across the window again, there was nowhere for me to go. “You kissed me.”
“I know. I…I’m not devoid of feeling. I’m just usually in better control of myself.” He glanced away. Frown back. Mouth to match: another tight line. “I don’t know why you…how you do that to me.”
I let out a shuddery breath. “So I’m not making it up. It’s there for you too? This is something.”
“It’s nothing I want. And I have to get back to my meeting.”
It shouldn’t have been a surprise. He’d done the same thing on the balcony, after all, just less kindly. But it still made my heart reel: the ease with which he could think one thing—feel one thing—and do another. That he could share even a small piece of my pleasure and still turn away.
That it could be nothing he wanted.
But then I had no idea what kind of life he lived. Maybe thrilling sexual connections were falling into his lap like summer apples. Or—more likely—gauche twenty-year-olds were a lot easier to find than breathtakingly beautiful billionaires. When I was gone, he would probably phone through to his Calvin Klein secretary and be all “bring me my coffee and unleash the boys.” And then twenty-four university students would come bounding in and fight to the death for the privilege of deep throating him. Talk about a new twist on The Hunger Games.
I had no idea what my face was doing. My eyes felt big though. And my mouth pouty. But whatever it was, it made him touch my cheek like he had on the balcony. “I’m sorry, Arden. I never wanted or meant to hurt you. On the contrary I…I like you very much. I think you’re…delightful.”
He’d gone a little pink along the top of his oh-so-defined cheekbones. It would have been adorable if he hadn’t been in the process of rejecting me. “Well, thanks. But that’s pretty scant consolation. I like you but I still don’t want you?”
“I don’t like the way you make me behave.”
“Caspian, your cock didn’t suck itself.”
“I’m very aware of that.” He sighed. “I shouldn’t—”
I knocked his hand away, the impulse sudden enough that I only realized what I’d done when the harsh slap of flesh against flesh resounded through the room. “Stop fucking regretting me, okay? You liked it. I know you did. So you might as well just fucking admit it.”
“I just did. I said I liked you.”
“And you liked what we did. You liked having me on my knees, choking on your—”
“Arden, we’re in my office.”
“Sorry. But it’s true.”
He made a stifled noise, almost a growl. “Yes, it’s true. But that doesn’t make it right.”
“There’s nothing wrong in—”
“Right for me.”
And there it was again. That unbreakable wall, built of his own convictions and the things he believed he truly wanted. I didn’t have much grace or dignity left—not that I was over-endowed with either at the best of times—but I mustered what was left of it and said “okay” in what I hoped would be a brave voice.
Though it ended up being a small, somewhat pathetic voice.
Eh, in for a penny, in for a pound. I took a deep breath and met his eyes. So much steel and certainty. I couldn’t have said why, but it made me oddly sad for him. This man behind glass who had briefly been mine. “Just don’t think bad things about me.”
He nodded. “I never intended for you to believe that.”
“And you need to get my name off that scholarship thing. It’s weirding me out.”
