Or maybe the fresh air had just infected her with unrealistic optimism that would ultimately leave her feeling singed. But she would take the good mood as it came.
The trail began to wind upward, the hard ground suddenly frosted, and up ahead, covered in snow.
“Oh,” she said.
“That’s why I chose this. I figured you might like a winter wonderland.”
“That was a good guess.”
It touched her, how thoughtful he was about things like this. About her.
Justice was her safe space. A fundamental truth that also hadn’t changed as time went on.
She was grateful. So very grateful.
“This reminds me of sneaking out,” she said. “Running over to King’s Crest through the fields in the evening so that I could get some peace and quiet.”
“What a bummer you had to come to our place to get that,” he said.
“You were all there,” she said. “And that gave me what I was looking for. You took care of me. I just remember the way that we carved out a place of our own.”
And as the years had gone on, they had carved out some different spaces. When they were kids and they had taken refuge it was always in the old barn. They would bring snacks, and sit on a blanket. Turn the lantern on and talk. Avoid their parents. Avoid anything that felt difficult.
Then Justice had carved out a space at the bar. In one-night stands and casual hookups.
She could remember the first time she realized he was doing that.
Havingsex.
She had caught him sneaking back from one of the ranchhand cabins and had figured out he was sleeping with an older girl whose dad worked on the ranch.
She hadn’t said anything to him. She’d felt scalded by it, though. And weirdly jealous. She’d been fifteen; he’d been sixteen.
Shehadn’t wanted to have sex. Not with him or anyone. But it had been threatening to her that there was another woman who knew something about him that she didn’t.
She had ultimately decided to let that escapade be his and his alone. At a certain point, she’d just had to not think about it. Or rather, she put wallpaper over it. It was so apparent that the wall was there, but she wasn’t able to see the texture of it, not able to see the details. It was covered over, made palatable. And that was how she had handled it all the way up until now. That was his space. Just like the yarn store was hers. Like her grandmother’s home had become another space. His wildness a thing of fierce beauty that she admired from afar, but didn’t question too deeply, or examine too closely.
Of course, she had been poking at it these last few days. But maybe that was part of trying to figure out why she had ended up here. Why she had ended up thwarted in spite of trying so damned hard. Being so careful. So responsible. But what had it gotten her?
“What made you decide to... I don’t know, to be you?”
“What?”
“I’m curious. Because I remember what made me decide to be careful. My mom told me one time that she got pregnant with me by accident. Right after she met my dad. They had thought they were doing the right thing by getting married, but everything had been a disaster since then. But they were stuck together because of me. The accidental pregnancy caused all of their unhappiness.”
“What? That’s some bullshit,” said Justice. “They made their choices. You didn’t. Babies don’t choose to be born.”
“I know. I’m not going to pretend that didn’t create some serious issues.” She huffed. “But honestly, my biggest takeaway from that was you needed to be careful because there were some things you couldn’t take back. There were some decisions that could change the course of your life. It’s why I waited so long to be in a relationship. I wanted to be sure that if I did start dating somebody, that if I was, you know, physically intimate with somebody, I could either handle the consequences on my own or they were someone I could stand to deal with. I just remember deciding to be careful. And I was wondering when you decided not to be.”
“I’m careful, Rue. Don’t ever look at what I do and who I am and think it comes from a lack of care.”
Her stomach twisted. “That came out different than I meant it. I didn’t mean to imply that you were careless. But it feels like you’re able to move through life with the degree of lightness that I just don’t have. You do things because they feel good. And I don’t know how you ended up getting there.”
“I find it easier to get through life if I just don’t think that deeply. But the beginning of that comes from caring a hell of a lot that I didn’t fuck somebody else’s life up the way that my dad fucked up all of ours. The beginning of it starts with caring a hell of a lot. I don’t want to be the cause of somebody else’s pain and suffering. I treat everybody with dignity. I treat them all how any person would want to be treated. Whether it’s a woman I’m taking to bed or a person I’m buying a beer from. I don’t treat people like they’re disposable. But I also don’t get deeply involved in them. And there is a way to do that. My life is my life. I like to control it. I like the set pieces to be fixed. Everything is permanent, everything is where I want it. And that means I can go out, have a good time and come back and nothing’s changed. I decided a long time ago that if I made it clear who I was and what I was about that I could have a pretty full life. I have King’s Crest, I have my siblings, I have you. I can go out, hook up, come back, you’re all here.”
“You’re not selfish,” she said.
“I don’t know. It could be argued that—”
