“I don’t.”
“Because she’s dead.”
“That... is a little dramatic,” he said.
“No,” she said. “It’s Taylor Swift. But even if it wasn’t, it’s a metaphor. The only way that I’m going to find a way to not be sad about all this is to let go. I have to make a new life so that I can personally begin to recover from all of this. You have to fill the void, Justice.”
“This sounds a lot like unhealthy coping mechanisms to me. And I should know, because I am the king of them.”
“You are a King.”
“That you are saying things like that with glee makes me think you are either drunk or a little deranged right now.”
“I’m not drunk,” she said.
“Well, thank God for that.”
“But I will be. That is part of my plan. My multistep plan to make the old Rue into the new Rue. And it will involve a night of debauchery.”
“What... what kind?”
“I’m going to see where the night leads me. I’m going to let Jack Daniel’s lead.”
“Oh, please don’t do that.”
“I’m spontaneous now,” she said, holding up the squirrel binder that contained all of her plans, likely color coded and itemized.“Spontaneous.”
“You’re heartbroken,” he said.
He didn’t know why he said it. Maybe as a reminder to her. Maybe as a reminder to him.
“You know, that’s the thing,” she said. “I’m not. I... I don’t think that I am.”
“You must be. Because this is out of the ordinary.”
She clutched the binder to her chest and looked up at him, a sort of desperation in her eyes. “Justice. I am more upset about the life that I’m not going to have than I am about losing Asher. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m in shock, because the reality of the whole thing hasn’t set in yet. Because he was on deployment a lot and we spent a lot of our relationship apart. I’m used to not having him as part of the day-to-day.”
She chewed her lip and looked up at him. “It makes sense that I might not miss him until it’s been longer than this. But I don’t know. Am I upset about losing him? Or am I mad because I was humiliated? Because he basically left me at the altar. Because he thinks another woman is sexier than I am. Am I offended by that? Is it more to do with the fact that I don’t get to have the fantasy wedding that I wanted?”
“Are you going to let me answer any of these questions?”
She kept talking like he hadn’t spoken. “I have to keep waiting to have kids. To have the family that I want and the life that I want. That’s just not a good reason to be with somebody. And I honestly don’t know the answer to the question. Because I feel like heartbreak should feel a lot less like rage. A lot less like thwarted plans. And that’s what this feels like to me. I’m angry.Because I didn’t get what I wanted. But when I think of all the things that I’m mad about missing, he isn’t one of them.” She closed her eyes. “I mean not specifically.”
That made him feel oddly triumphant. And he wasn’t sure what to do with that. Or why the feeling existed.
“Rue,” he said. “Listen, it makes sense. It makes sense that you can’t love the guy like you did before you found out who he really was. What he prioritized. Maybe that’s all it is. I’m not saying that I want you to be heartbroken. I don’t. But you make it sound like you were ready to marry a man you didn’t even love.”
“What if I was? Do I even know what love is? Why would I know that? I mean, for me it has always been about security. How could it not be? My parents didn’t give each other any security. They made things worse. They lied to each other, they manipulated each other. Our house wasn’t a sanctuary. It was a war zone.”
“I am very familiar,” he said.
“I know you are. So maybe I just decided that love was the opposite of those things. I feel like I need to undo all the ideas that I ever had about what my life should look like. Everything that I did to be the opposite of my parents.”
“This sounds...” But he sighed, because what else could he do. He was just going to have to be her... her emotional support pack mule. Taking her and all of her baggage up Mount Debauchery. Because he knew how to carry it. Because he knew how to handle the treacherous road. Because he could keep her from doing anything truly stupid. Of that he was certain.
“All right,” he said slowly. “Just let me know when you want to start.”
“Oh good,” she said, opening up the binder. “I want to ride tomorrow.”
