She bristled. “I don’t need help with the bank.”
She wanted help with the bank. But she was a grown woman, and she could drive into Mapleton and speak to someone herself. It was a small-town bank, and she imagined that she would get further with them going right up to the counter and explaining the situation.
She didn’t need Justice for that.
She kind ofwantedhim, though. Which was a bit annoying.
“I don’t care if you need me or not. I’m going.”
“Well... surely you have things to do.”
“Surely I do not have things to do that are more important than helping you through this current crisis.”
She felt discomfort gnawing at her. It was adjacent to the feeling she had when Justice had first walked in and she had felt vaguely jealous, but it wasn’t exactly the same. This was more like fear.
Everything was being weighted toward her. Everything was about her.
That just didn’t happen in her life. To her parents, she was an inconvenience. She had never been all that important. And it really... it really made her feel so... edgy when he did things like this. When he was just so good and present and pouring all this stuff into her, it made her feel like she had to reciprocate. Like she had to make herself important.
Maybe she could organize his sock drawer.
“Okay. I really would like for you to go with me. But I just feel like this can’t be all about me. I’m not used to this. To being the one who needs help. To being the one who is a mess. I’m not used to it because...”
Because she couldn’t afford it. She had never been able to. Her parents would never have taken care of her, and she desperately didn’t want to be a burden to her grandmother. Her grandmother had been wonderful, and she had never made Rue feel like a burden, but Rue was so aware of her own presence. Of the space she took up. Because... she had to be. She’d become painfully aware of what it meant to take care of herself from the time she was little, so when anybody else stepped in to do it, she was really aware of it. Of the labor.
Their teacher had always paid extra attention to her, and Rue had felt like she had to be an exemplary student to make up for it. To make the investment worth it.
And with Justice... She had helped him with his homework. She had taught him to read. She had soothed his hangovers. She was used to givinghimthings. And he had been so relentlessly giving to her in the run-up to the wedding, and now this.
“Like what’s going on with you?” The words came out lamely, and just kind of landed between them with a thud.
“Are you serious right now?”
“I’m serious. Sometimes, Justice, I feel like you know everything about me. Everything about my life, and I don’t know anything about yours.”
He never slept over with women, apparently. She hadn’t known that. Not that they made a habit of talking about sex—but they were friends and they did share things. Sex wasn’t a totally taboo topic for them.
“That’s not true,” he said. “It’s just that it’s a lot less work to see down to—” she made a scoffing noise “—the bottom of a kiddie pool than it is to see the bottom of the ocean.”
“Oh please,” she said. “You’re just so committed to this whole shallow thing that you do. It isn’t honest. I know you. I’ve known you for all these years and you’re the most caring... You’re the most caring, sweet man—”
“Hang on a second. I am not sweet.”
“Youare.”
He looked genuinely appalled. “Have you ever left this ranch? Have you ever talked to... a single other person about me? I am a destroyer of worlds. I have never been one to shy away from a bar fight. Therehave been marriages in this county that were hanging on by a thread and I cut that thread. Gave the missus a good time, and an escape route. I am not sweet.”
“You’re very sweet to me,” she said, ignoring all of his bluster, because what was even the point in engaging with it?
“You’re my friend. And you’re the only person on this damned earth who bears that title. So stop applying good intent to me, when you have no idea. Because you don’t know who I am when I’m away from you.”
“Aha,”she said, pointing her finger at him. “That is my point.”
“Because it’s bullshit you don’t want to see,” he said. “You don’t want this. You want the Justice that you know. Trust me.”
“You said that I should live like you. So how can I do that if I don’t actually know who you are?”
“I didn’t mean... I did not mean that you should actually literally pattern any part of your life after mine. Let’s go to the bank.”
