“She... We were on deployment together last year, and we kind of got to know each other, and I... I love you.I love you. I was super clear on that. But one thing led to another, and things just got really out of hand. I’d never experienced anything like that before. I hadnever experienced being attracted to somebody like that. It was just the one time. I thought we had, you know, four months until the wedding and I could let it go. But then I got delayed, and she and I were at the same base and... it happened again. It happened... and I don’t think I can go through with this. I thought that I could forget that it happened when it was a year before the wedding—”
“What?” There was a buzzing sound in her ears. She couldn’t breathe. “You had sex with somebody else?”
“Yes.”
“And you weren’t going to tell me? You were going to marry me when you... You know how I feel about that. You know how I feel about infidelity.”
“I was on deployment,” he said. “It’s... I hadn’t had sex for so long and she was there and it blindsided me. I felt like I was just a lot weaker than usual, and that it wouldn’t ever be a problem again but—”
“That’smydecision,” she almost choked on the words. “Not yours. You were going to marry me and not tell me and the only thing that made you confess is that you did it again. Because this time it was close enough that it bothers you?”
“Yeah,” he said, looking lost. Looking like a stranger.
“I don’t understand this. I don’t get what I’m hearing right now.”
“It’s just it was... I can’t marry you knowing that I’m... this attracted to somebody else.”
“You’re attracted to her. But you don’t love her?”
“That’s the worst part, Rue. I loveyou. I just... I lose my head when she’s around. And I thought that Iwas going to get on top of that and I thought that I was going to—”
“You threw everything away tofuck? What does that even...? How is that more important than eight years? Than love? I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you threw away everything thatweare—high school sweethearts and and... all because of sex.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
She sputtered, her disbelief coming in halting gasps. “You didn’t mean to. You didn’t mean to. I’d... I don’t even know what to say. There are people coming here. My... my friends... We paid for all of this. We’ve been planning this for so long.”
Those things didn’t really matter. Not in comparison to the devastation of the whole rest of her life. The way everything she’d hoped for and planned was destroyed. But it was the easiest thing to hang onto right now.
“I know,” he said. “And I thought that I could come and put my tuxedo on and just not tell you. Because there is a very big part of me that still wants to do this. I want the life that we planned. I want...”
“You... you have a plan for everything. You never do anything without thinking... You never...”
“Iknow,” he said, his voice desperate. Lost. She wanted to comfort him, that was the messed up thing. “And I did this without thinking. I... I’m so sorry.” To her horror tears filled his eyes. “I never wanted to hurt you. I... They... It wasn’t supposed to be this way. And it wasn’t you. It was me. I...”
“You are damned right it was you. I did everything that I could’ve done. I was here. I was faithful to you.I have never even been almost tempted to cheat on you.”
The necklace sat heavy on her now. She touched it, and ignored the sensation in her fingertips.
“I worked and I planned this wedding. I invested everything into our future. And just... How dare you?”
His shoulders shook, his distress, his regret so evident that it only stoked the fires of her rage. Why couldn’t he be an asshole? Why couldn’t he accuse her of being unfaithful while he was away?Blameher. Why did he have to stand there and somehow be so damned decent in the middle of admitting that he was a cheating scumbag? In the middle of breaking her heart, breaking her life, ruining her wedding. It wasn’t fair.
“Am I not good in bed?” she asked.
“Rue, you’re... you’re great, you’re beautiful...”
“You’re not attracted to me.” Her voice sounded so small. She hated it.
“Iam. It’s just there was chemistry with her and I didn’t...”
“Tell me that something is wrong with me,” she said, pleading now. “Please. Because if not then this just feels random and unfair. Give me something that I can fix. Come on. Because some of this has to be my fault.”
“It’s not your fault,” he said. “It’s my fault. I messed up. I wrecked everything.”
“No. I can’t accept it,” she said.
Because she had a plan, and she had met the perfect man, and she had trusted him. With all of her. And so if she could find a good man that she trusted and hecould do this, and it had nothing to do with anything she had done, this... This unraveling, this betrayal that had nothing to do with her performance, meant she wasn’t going to be able to move on. She was never going to be able to... She just couldn’t accept it. She couldn’t.
