He could remember well what it had been like when that cave had collapsed. The rock shifting, his fear that he would be crushed to death. And then, when he had survived that, the fear that no one would ever come for him.
The fear that he would die alone in the dark.
It was a fear that had never left him. It was one that he had been running from for his entire life. That he was so weak he could be used like that. That he was so insignificant he was a tool that could be left to die when he didn’t serve his purpose.
And so he had made sure that he wasn’t alone at night. So he had made sure he had his best friend with him, but that he had moved her into a space that didn’t require everything from him.
He had his family, the ranch, and yet his finances were separate. His home was separate. He didn’t put all his eggs in any one basket, because he didn’t trust anything.
But he was still dying alone in the dark, and ever since Rue had left today, he had felt it. Keenly.
The rocks might not have crushed him, but he had been stuck in there ever since.
Rue was somewhere out there. On the other sideof this, and he couldn’t get to her. That was what she didn’t understand.
Because you won’t let her understand.
Maybe that was true. Maybe the issue was him. What he refused to share. But the problem was he didn’t know how to share it. He didn’t know how to look his best friend in the eyes and tell her that he was just terrified. That he was a little boy who had never gotten out of the cave.
If he knew what he was afraid of. If he could just figure it out. If he just figured out what the hell was wrong with him, then maybe Rue wouldn’t feel so messed up. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so alone.
Alone.
He thought of Rue, wearing that necklace. Rue in the wedding gown. His great-great-great-great grandmother had worn that necklace out to Oregon, looking for a better life.
Rue was his better life. She always had been. The whole damned time.
She was everything.
That was what he was afraid of. She waseverything.
Andeverythingcould be used against him. It had been done before.
And he knew what it was like to sit there in the darkness and feel like he had lost everything. To feel like no one was coming. He had never wanted to feel that alone again. Ever. And then there was her.
He had loved her from the moment he’d met her. Dammit, how he loved her.
She was everything. The most glorious, beautiful creature that he had ever known, and he found herall those years ago, but didn’t know what to do with that.
Because he had never seen two people love each other in a real way. Had never seen a husband love his wife. Had never seen a father love his children.
Everything that the King children had scraped together had been out of desperation. And he had clung to Rue in the same fashion.
She was the one person who had the potential to be everything to him. Who had the potential to leave him alone in the dark, and now she had done it.
It was his fault.
He’d caused the cave-in. He had rejected her. He regretted it. But she had to teach him how to read. Was she going to have to teach him how to be a good boyfriend? Be a good husband?
That isn’t the real problem. You’re just scared. Stop trying to dress it up.
You’re scared it’ll be used to hurt you.
He took a breath and stood. Then he walked out of his house without thinking. He got into his pickup truck, and he drove to the watering hole where Rue had taken her polar plunge. When he saw the cave.
He wasn’t a six-year-old boy anymore. He wasn’t a fourteen-year-old whose father told him he just should have let him die. He was a grown-ass man, who had made decisions about how he was going to live his life. Who had made decisions about how to protect himself, and none of that had been about healing. It had been about protection.
He would rather face the cave than his father. Because at least the cave couldn’t hurt him anymore. Hetook a step forward, and walked inside, letting himself be enveloped by the darkness. He didn’t go in deep, but he stayed there, taking in the scent, the surroundings. He had been stuck here for three days. And those three days had defined the whole rest of his life. Because of everything that had happened afterward. Everything he had learned.
