She didn’t know what Denver had said to them. She suspected nothing, because she had a feeling the man was a locked box when he wanted to be. And of course they were women, and intuitive. She thought about lying. But really, there wasn’t any point. And she wanted some advice. Because each of them had someone. Really had them. Fia and Bix had managed to snare Kings. Arizona was a king. Normally, Rue would talk to Justice. But she was realizing that when you had romantic feelings entangled with somebody, when the stakes felt this high, and that person was your best friend, it was difficult to go to them directly.
She couldn’t turn it over inside of herself anymore. She had spent the last three days doing it.
“I need help,” she said.
“Oh good,” Fia said. “I love telling people what to do.”
“Well. It’s your lucky day. Because I really need to be told. I’m in love with him.”
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. It was the first time she’d said it out loud. The first time she’d admitted it to herself like that. He was the love of her life, but for some reason, that felt easier than admitting she was in love with him. It felt a little bit more all-encompassing.
“I knew it,” said Arizona. “Iknewyou were going to marry my brother.”
“Well, I don’t think he wants to marry me.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but he’s a little bit commitment shy.”
“You slept together, though, right?” Arizona pressed.
She felt her face getting hot.
“That’s a yes,” Bix said, gesturing to her face. “You’re the color of a boiled beet.”
“Charming,” Fia said, then turned back to Rue. “So you slept together. That must mean that he has feelings for you.”
“He does have feelings for me. I don’t have any doubt about that. That’s not the issue. The issue is... something has kept us apart this whole time. For me it was being afraid of how powerful my feelings for him could be. I’m not less scared of that now. It’s just...” She laughed. “You can’t unhammer a nail. And I hammered this one a little bit ago. I was fussing around it trying to figure out how to pull it out. Then I just finally gave in. I accepted that there was nothing I could do to go back on all this. He and I are a done deal. For me. Sleeping together was just part of it. It wasn’tthething.”
“I get that,” Bix said. “I fell for Daughtry before he ever kissed me.” It was a soft, sweet admission coming from spiky Bix. “By the time that happened there was just no more pretending.”
“Yes. That’s exactly what it is. It was finally letting myself in fully on how I already felt. It explained somuch. Why things with Asher were never amazing. Because Justice has always had my heart. He’s always had the most of me. I wanted to keep him in my left hand and Asher in my right hand. It feels somehow related to two birds in the bush? To a bird in the hand? I don’t know. It just felt like I wanted to double my odds. Or split my emotions. Because this is so damned painful.”
“So what’s the problem?” Fia asked.
“I can feel him pulling away sometimes. He wants this. Well, he likes sleeping with me. And he cares for me, but he’s never been in a relationship. And he claims he never wants one. But it feels an awful lot like that’s what we have.”
“In fairness,” Arizona pointed out, “that’s what you’ve always had with him. You’ve kind of been his wife for years without actually being his wife. He’s doing the same thing you were. He has you. But not all of you. And you get to have him, but not all of him. It keeps both of you safe. They are the defining relationship in each other’s lives, it’s just that...”
“When I used to make moonshine,” Bix said, sounding so sage it was almost funny, “I used to bury some of my batch in different places. Because I didn’t want to put everything in one spot in case it got raided, right? It’s a way to protect yourself when resources are thin. That’s what you and Justice are doing. You’re protecting your emotional resources by burying your moonshine in multiple places. But in this case moonshine is your feelings. For him, he’s got sex moonshine all over the place. Hisheartmoonshine, that’s you. But now you’re both kinds of moonshine mixed together inone shot, and his heart’s having trouble taking the wallop that packs.”
“That’s very deep,” Fia said.
Bix smiled. “Thank you.”
Really, Bix made more sense than she had a right to.
“So... What am I supposed to do about this? How do I convince him to bury all the moonshine in one place?”
“Well, the reason you don’t do it is because you’re scared. Scarcity. All that. It would take a hell of a lot of trust.”
“I trust him,” Rue said.
“It’s hard for us to trust anything,” Arizona said. “Our dad was such an asshole. And our mom left. To protect herself, but still. She left her kids behind. My dad was a smooth narcissist to the boys, but he really let his true colors out with me. Because I disappointed him. He was so mad when I scarred myself up in my accident. Because I think he was afraid he might actually have to take care of me, and there was no way in hell he was going to do that. So he was just ugly to me. Angry and horrible. We were taught that love was very conditional. That everything was conditional. Our childhood was confusing and erratic. Our dad was a manipulator, yes, but he was also primarily a giant selfish toddler. He did what felt good to him, and when you’re in the care of a man like that, you never know what’s going to happen next. It’s hard to trust anything.”
She thought about the cave. About the way he felt abandoned. How no one came for him. Of course he didn’t trust anything.
“So what do I do? Do I tell him that I love him with no strings attached?”
