“Everything you do is okay,” I whisper. I reach behindmy back, grab his hand, then I turn around I kiss his knuckles. “More than okay.”
He looks at me, and I am undone. The past is there in those blue eyes, so is the present. I’m afraid to look at that glimmer of the future there.
Could we…
I let myself imagine it. Right there in the moment. A wedding ring on my finger. Wearing a white dress and walking down the aisle toward him. A little boy or girl with his blue eyes looking back at me.
That’s all so insane.
Something I would never have fantasized about before, ever. But he makes me want it. He makes me want this so much.
More than that, he makes me believe that maybe I can have it.
Even if we didn’t get married. Even if we didn’t have children, a lifetime of living together, watching movies, making popcorn, having sex, it’s a more beautiful future than I’ve ever imagined for myself. I want to believe that it’s possible. But something holds me back from asking for everything.
Maybe because I’m still figuring all this stuff out inside of myself. Maybe because it seems ridiculous that my feelings could be so intense after such a short amount of time.
A short amount of time? It’s a lifetime.
We very quietly clean up after dinner, and it’s so domestic, particularly given that he just screwed my brains out with me bent over the table a moment ago.
“So, how was work?”
In contrast with the absolute carnal wreckage we just created, his benign question makes me howl with laughter. “It was good,” I say.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“It’s very normal next to that.”
“That could be normal,” he says.
It’s the closest thing to a declaration that I think either of us can give right now. It’s right in line with my thinking.
The truth is, I know that I love Dallas more than anything. I know that I don’t want to let it go. But trying to think all that through, trying to battle all the razor wire in my soul makes me feel like I’m being gouged and torn from all angles.
Makes me feel like I might be destroyed.
I can feel what I have to do. Cast that ring into the fire. Let go of everything. Trust in him, trust in us.
But right now that just feels too damn dangerous, so I just let what he said stand. I let him take me to bed, and I let him kiss me all over. I let him lick me until I’m screaming his name, and then I take him in my mouth and let him pour all of himself down my throat, because he’s mine.
And I love everything about him.
It feels cowardly that I can’t tell him.
But I’ve always been afraid.
I wish so much that I weren’t always afraid.
Chapter Nineteen
Dallas
It’s been another long day working at my uncle’s house, and they’re planning a big family get-together in the evening. I’m tired, and I just want to see Sarah, but my dad suggests that I go pick Sarah up from work and bring her by. I think it’s not a bad idea, in fact, I really want to. It seems like a great opportunity to get to introduce her to everybody and… well, I’m damned proud of her, I realize.
I’m proud of everything she is, everything she’s been. Everything she will be.
I’m proud of our connection.
