I’m not sure Dallas knows how ludicrous it is that he thinks he has to worry I might get taken in by some wolf in sheep’s clothing. No one could be more cynical about men than I am, and genuinely no one could be less likely to fall for something they don’t want to fall for.
Whether or not I want to fall for it is a question that I’ve been wrestling with ever since that day. Colt is interested in me. Physically. Dallas knows him, which means that he’s… safe. In spite of how Dallas reacted.
And I really want to cast this ring into the fire. So to speak. The fact that I’ve never had a romantic or sexual relationship is getting uncomfortable. I probably have a couple more years before it gets super weird. But given I’m not attending a Christian college, it’s already a little odd. And here’s one thing I know from experience, when you’re already weird, and you let things go on without correcting them, you only begin to get more brittle and set in those ways. You end up saying things like: I’ve never really had a family dinner.
It makes everyone uncomfortable. The last thing I need is to bring all of my own issues into a sexual encounter I have to admit that I’m a laughably old virgin who also has pretty severe trauma around touch. Those are things I don’t want to explain. There are details I don’t want to get into. Somebody like Colt is maybe kind of ideal, honestly. He doesn’t seem to possess enough interest in who I am as a person to become a problem.
Maybe that’s mean. He’s perfectly nice, but I get the impression that what Allison said about him is true. He’s here for a good time, not a long time, and there’s just enough of a connection with him. Just enough. It feels almost reasonable.
But that’s a whole tangle for another time. It’s my birthday that has me thinking all of this, in addition to Colt being flirtatious. I’ve seen him a few times when he’s been passing by the store, and I don’t think he’s passing by accidentally.
So yeah. I can see an opportunity there. But I’m alsostill weird and fearful and completely unsure of what I want, or even more worrisome, I don’t really want it. I’ve never wanted it. And I feel like I need to in order to get on the path to being a functional human being. To actually banish my trauma once and for all. Maybe Colt’s penis is my Mount Doom.
I frown.
“What’s wrong?”
I didn’t realize that I was broadcasting my thoughts. “Nothing,” I lie.
“Fine. I’ll watch The Hobbit with you if you’re going to pout like that. I can’t bear it.”
Well. There. My response to something totally unrelated got me my way. Fine by me.
“Itismy birthday week,” I say. “And I think you should have to do it for that reason alone.”
“Okay,” he says. “I think that’s fair enough. Though, I think you can agree that you’ve made me watch an awful lot of this.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
I bat my eyes at him, because I feel like being ridiculous, and even though he can’t read my mind, I want to move my thoughts further and further away from where they were. Because I don’t want him to have any inkling of what I’m thinking about.
“Popcorn, please,” I say.
He sighs and looks long-suffering as he immediately moves to make my request a reality.
I owe him dinner. I’m not the best cook, but I think I should make him something. I got my first paycheck last week, and I’ve been hoarding it. But now that I know all my bills are paid, I should go grocery shopping, do something to support him. Given how much he’s supported me.
I definitely owe him many bags of popcorn.
He puts it in the microwave, and I make my way over to the couch, abandoning homework. I’ll have to finish that paper by tomorrow, but that’s fine. It’s interesting because I was always resentful of homework when I was in school, but now that I’m working so hard to be at school, to make my way toward my goal, I feel a lot different about it. It’s a privilege to have it, honestly, so even if sometimes I don’t love it, I’m just glad that I’m able to do college.
It’s cold in the room, so I decide to go to my bedroom and steal a blanket, which I then wrap around myself as I curl up on the couch.
Dallas walks in front of the couch, looks at me, and flings the bag of popcorn onto me.
“Hey,” I say, scrambling to unwrap my hands from the blanket. “That’s mean.”
“I’m actually very nice.”
“Yeah. So nice.”
“I’ll even put the movie on for you.”
“Thank you,” I say.
He smiles, and I feel like happiness washes through my entire body. It’s such a weird feeling, not one I’ve ever felt before.
Maybe it’s being settled. Because that’s definitely new. When we were kids, I had started to take for granted that he was my safe place, but even then, we were moving around. I guess it’s only been not quite two weeks, and it’s a little bit dramatic, I’ve also certainly been in places longer, but it hasn’t felt likethis. Like home, like family. Like long dinners and silly kids’ games. Like safety, Comfort, and ease.
