It wasn’t so much about what she’d seen. It was about what being there made her feel. That would stay with her whether she took a picture or not.
They rolled into the Silver Saddle Motel in Santa Fe in the early evening.
The building was a bright yellow, the doors painted turquoise, the office denoted by a big wooden sign and a very large wagon wheel out front. On the side of the big pueblo-style building was a bull and a big bucking bronco. It was truly the stuff of her kitschy dreams.
She followed Logan inside while he booked two rooms for them. This time, instead of being at the opposite end of the building from each other, they were side by side.
She let herself into her room and looked around. There was a cinder block wall, painted white. A patchwork quilt was on the king-sized bed, and there was an oversized painting of a horse, and a cowgirl hat hanging on the wall over said bed.
She realized she really hadn’t looked at her phone all day, and when she did, she had about fifty messages from Elysia and Whitney, who had clearly spent a good portion of the day concocting very strange scenarios to explain her silence.
She decided to video call them both without warning as revenge.
“You’re alive!” Elysia shrieked.
“Yes, yes,” she said. “I was communing with nature. Now I’m communing with this awesome motel room.” She turned the camera around and showed the room.
“How is it going?” Whitney said.
“Great, honestly. The sightseeing is amazing, and we’re in Santa Fe now, and I can’t wait to look around. So I’m thinking dinner out and then time exploring tomorrow.”
“Sounds amazing.”
“Here’s hoping.” They chatted for a while longer before hanging up.
Sam did not surprise video call her kids, because she was nice like that. Instead she gave a text check-in to each of them, and they responded at varying times, in accordance with their personalities.
Her oldest responding first, in spite of the fact that he was probably busy with his girlfriend and his adult life.
Then her youngest, who gave her a half-hearted thumbs-up emoji, though in fairness to him, it was late in Madrid.
Then finally her middle, who responded to herI’m safely in Santa Fewith:k
So of course she responded to Aiden with:Thank you, my love, your verbose appreciation of me is always the highlight of my evening.
Lol
Little asshole.
Love you tooooooo xoxox
That earned her a skull emoji, and she considered that a win.
She also considered it a goal to keep moving. Her realizations earlier had felt like they might swallow her whole. That moment had been enough for now.
She had felt it. That yawning divide between what she was, and what existed.
Between Samantha Parker and possibility.
She didn’t need to exist in the void. She’d looked at it. She’d acknowledged it.
But tonight she was in Santa Fe. So she would be Sam in Santa Fe, and not Sam in existential dread.
There was no reason for dread, anyway.
This was the perfect opportunity to address some of those regrets. Those feelings of lives unlived, without committing to anything permanent.
Because in the end, they would meet back at the beginning.
