That was the terrible, stupid thing about knowing him and loving him. He’d made the stupid decision to tell her this at a restaurant because he didn’t know how to handle it. Because it was hard and not because he was trying to be flippant or hurtful.
But it hurt.
Her heart was thundering so hard, and she was having trouble keeping a thought straight, and she was not going to eat her steak, because at this point if she tried to take a bite of anything she was going to throw it right back up.
“Ihaven’tbroken your trust,” he said. “I wouldn’t do that. That’s why I’m talking to you. I had to get some things straight in my own head first. I didn’t want to say anything before I was sure it was more than an impulse. I didn’t break your trust.”
And no, she supposed he hadn’t.
Except he had.
Because she had trusted him to be the man she’d known, inside and out, for thirty years, the man she’d been married to for over twenty, and he wasn’t.
“Trust is a very important part of this,” he said. “Like I said, I’ve been reading a lot. Communication and trust…you have to have that if you’re going to keep a relationship and give your partner autonomy…”
“You have autonomy. Except, the thing is, we hadforsaking all othersin our marriage vows. You don’t have autonomy to do things we said we wouldn’t do in literal vows.”
“That’s why we’re having this conversation. I don’t want to end what we have, I want to expand the idea of what it can be.”
She was never cruel. She was occasionally a little mean in the name of humor, but only to be amusing and never to actually hurt anyone, especially not Will. Never Will.
They were never that couple that bad-mouthed each other, not ever. They were united. A team. She’d walked through life feeling that for years now. That she always had him to back her up, that they were always each other’s biggest support, and suddenly now she felt so singularly, utterly alone.
This marriage was a badge of honor for her in so many ways. Her best friend Elysia’s husband had cheated. It had been such a horrendous thing to watch her go through, and she could remember how clearly she’d known Will would never. They were each other’s one and only. They both loved that.
She had beensurethey did.
Except Will was a man. And apparently what she’d always believed they both found wonderful and romantic, the fidelity she prized, felt like…a lack of autonomy to him.
Shethought they’d chosen it.
She thought they’d chosen each other. Only each other.
Shehad.
She searched around wildly for someone to blame. Someone who wasn’t her or Will.
The villain presented himself easily enough.
“Is it… Are you jealous of Logan?” She’d already stopped herself from thinking about him, but now she couldn’t help it. It was easy for her to blame her husband’s best friend.
Which maybe wasn’t fair. Logan was…well. He was the kind of guy most men envied. He was the kind of guy most women wanted.
He was single and had been for years, and God knew he had his share of bar hookups and whatever else.
Maybethatwas it, it was watching his friend with other women, watching his friend live a single, unattached life that made this seem like something he wanted.
“This is about us, not anyone else,” he said. “Don’t make it about him just because you don’t like him. I’m not jealous of the guy whose wife died, Sam. I don’t want to lose my wife. I don’t want to lose you.”
She looked down at her plate. “What if I say no?”
There was a long pause. “I’ll probably keep…trying to talk to you about it. But I won’t leave you. This isn’t an ultimatum.”
That was both better and worse.
If he would be unreasonable then she could be too. She could take her hurt and embrace it, let it be anger. She could just…storm out. Of the restaurant and the marriage. But he was coming to her with…sincere feelings and regrets and desires, and he wasn’t forcing anything on her except…
Except the knowledge that their marriage wasn’t enough.
