Page 123 of Cruel Summer


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“Don’t keep hoping,” he said. “Don’t hold out for me. Don’t hold out for Will. Don’t hold out for anyone. Go live your life.”

“I don’t actually need you to tell me to do that. I’m not putting myself on hold. But neither should you.”

“It was a great summer, Sam.”

“The best,” she said around a hard lump in her throat and tears in her eyes.

“I’m better when there’s an end. And this is the end.”

She felt something inside of her shatter. That hadn’t happened when Will had told her he wanted to see other people. When they had decided to take a break.

She had been hurt. But nothing had broken.

This…this broke her heart. Not just because Logan didn’t love her back, not just because she couldn’t be with him. But because he was trapped in some kind of personal hell, and he was not going to reach past it. He was not going to let her help.

“I turned over a lot of rocks in my soul,” she said. “But I can’t turn yours over for you. You have to do it for yourself. You have to want it. It’s really hard work, to heal yourself. I was so lucky to have you with me while I worked on my healing. I am so sorry that I didn’t see. That I didn’t understand that you still had so much left to do. But I love you, Logan, and that’s not contingent on you loving me back right away. Or giving me what I want.” Tears welled up in her eyes as she turned away. Then she stopped and turned back. “I always think of you as Will’s best friend. But you know what? That’s not true.” She didn’t wait for him to say anything. “You’re my best friend. Not his. I want you to know that no matter what, that’s true.” Then suddenly she couldn’t hold it back. The pain. The tears. “But I really do love you,” she said, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I really do.” She turned away from him again.

“Where are you going?”

“I thought I would get a car. I might try to change my plane ticket. It’s time for me to go home. Deal with the rest of my life. We have a lot of years left.”

TWENTY-NINE

This was heartbreak. And it really hurt. It hurt all the way back to Oregon. It hurt as she took a ride service to her house from the airport. It hurt as she got into bed and went to sleep without texting anybody.

Two days. In two days she was meeting with Will. In that time, she was going to have to try to stand there looking a little bit less broken. Or maybe not. She wasn’t interested in anything fake. Not anymore.

She suddenly remembered her wedding ring. That it had literally been in her purse in a pouch for the last few months. She took it out and held it up.

It looked strange. Like it belonged to another woman.

In many ways, it did. She felt so much compassion for that woman.

That woman who had wanted her comfort beyond anything else.

Who had wanted what she knew. Who had wanted to be safe. Who had been ready to sit in her marriage, in her life, forever. She never would’ve questioned it. Never would’ve tested it. Not ever.

Now she had done more than just tested. She had shattered it.

She had taken that ring off her finger nearly four months ago with the full intention of putting it back on. She smiled through her tears as she realized that would never happen.

She swallowed hard and put it back in her purse.

She might keep it. She might give it back to Will. She didn’t know.

Two days.

Elysia and Whitney texted her to make sure she was okay, and that she was ready for everything to come with Will.

She texted them reassurance, but she still needed to sit in her own feelings. She wasn’t quite ready for her girls’ night. Someday. Someday maybe this would all be one of those stories that she told while laughing and drinking a mojito. Except she barely ever drank, and she couldn’t imagine laughing about this.

She would love it if she could. If she could talk about her crazy sexcapades with Logan, about how big he was, and how many orgasms he could give her in a night. But it wasn’t about that.

It was too much hers to give to anyone else.

Especially now that she had no guarantee she would ever be with him like that again.

Everything hurt.