That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t like he was doing anything. She just felt hypersensitive to his moods. It was the result of being with each other so much over these past months. But this was some certainty. Some clarity. Because she knew that she wanted that kind of love. The kind that made your eyes sparkle after all those years. That was what she wanted. It was just really great to know. To know what she wanted apart from what anyone else expected. To know what she wanted, without exhaustively checking for anyone else’s opinion.
Even Logan’s. It had been important to her to cement this inside of herself before she talked to him.
When they left the car, they got a ride service down to the beach. It was getting to be late, the sun setting and casting glorious colors over the water.
She took his hand in hers and looked at him.
“Logan,” she said. “I need to tell you…” She could see him, tensing, bracing. For what, she wasn’t quite sure. For what she was going to say, or what he believed she was going to say.
She knew that she could stop now. That she could choose to not take a risk.
She wasn’t going to do that.
“I love you. I realized that a while ago, but I wanted to be prepared to tell you what that meant to me. I love you and I want to be with you. Not because we have to be. Not because I’m afraid to be alone. Not because I’m afraid that people will judge me. Just because I want to.”
She saw pain, deep pain in his blue eyes. Then that wall went up.
“Samantha,” he said. “Don’t tell me that.”
Oh, she really loved this man. And he was being an idiot. Where did he think this was going? From the very beginning, it had been more. He knew that. He hadn’t yelled at her in a honky-tonk parking lot over sex. Over temporary. Over lust or friendship or anything short of love, and she knew that. Deep in her heart.
Just like she’d known he was going to resist it.
She’d decided to go ahead with it anyway. Because she didn’t hide from hard.
Not anymore.
It was his own fault. He’d helped bring her to this point.
“What else was I going to tell you?” she asked, trying to smile.
“You…”
“No. Really. You didn’t want me to have you when you thought I was going back to Will, so where did you think this was going to go?”
“Exactly what you said back in Tahoe. That you needed time by yourself.”
“I thought I did. But I had a lot of time by myself these last few months. I had a lot of time with you. You know what’s funny? I’m the same person either way. It’s not the person that I was when I was with Will, though. I’ve done different things, said different things. Wanted different things. With you…it’s consistent. I am myself. When I’m with you, when I’m not. Being with you doesn’t hurt my growth. It’s been part of it. You have been part of showing me what I want, and who I am.”
“I can’t give you what you’re asking for.”
“So the thing is, you’re forty-three years old, Logan. And that’s the kiss-off of a twenty-year-old, and I think you can do better than that.”
He pressed his hands over his face, and then he looked at her. He looked exhausted. He didn’t have the words, she knew that. In the same way she hadn’t had them. But that was months ago. He should have grown with her.
He should have arrived at this place with her, not just physically, but emotionally.
But he wasn’t with her.
What bothered her the most was that she wasn’t even surprised. Somehow she had known this was coming. Because he shared, he shared quite a lot, but there was something that he hadn’t shared, and she knew that. There were things that he was holding back, and she knew that.
But she had been intent on doing this anyway. On laying it bare.
Maybe she would’ve been able to coast with him if she hadn’t had to say it. If she hadn’t had to tell him what this meant to her. What she wanted. But she had. Because she had spent twenty-two years not saying what she wanted. She had spent twenty-two years hiding from the truth, so that she would never hear a thing she didn’t want to hear.
She couldn’t do that. Not now. Here they were, in Maine, across the country from Oregon. Almost as far away from Oregon as they could possibly be. She wanted to take the love that she felt all the way back across the country, into that life, into that town, regardless of the consequences. She wasn’t willing to let there be questions or silence. She wanted it all out in the open. She wanted it all clear.
“Tell me,” she said. “And it’s your turn to be honest. Don’t lie to me, Logan, what did you think this was going to be? You and me. What did you think I would want in the end, if not forever. If not you.”
