She had said that to Logan, the only other person. It felt good to say it again. “That was starting to become clear to me before, but really, once I was with him, I knew.”
“Samantha…” Whitney looked deeply concerned.
“Look,” Elysia said, her tone pragmatic. “The ho phase is necessary. Believe me. You have to kind of sort out what you’ve been missing, and how sex works these days, and all of that.”
“I don’t think it’s a ho phase,” Sam said.
Elysia winced. “Sam, it’s not… He’s Will’s friend, and you’ve known him a thousand years, and he was married to Becca…”
“I am actually very clear on his biography,” she said. “But I have feelings for him.”
As soon as she said that, she knew how true it was. “I don’t know what that means. I get why you’re looking at me like I’ve committed a cardinal sin. Because believe me, I know. I want to be very, very sure that I’m not just leaping into this because I’m afraid of being alone. I don’t want to do anything because I’m afraid. I married Will because I was afraid. I have never examined any of the issues in our marriage because I was afraid. I don’t want to do things out of fear, not anymore.”
“It is actually fair to do things because the man is hot,” Whitney said. “Will did put all that on the table…”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. The rules, or anything like that. I haven’t talked to Will for almost three months. You know what, I don’t miss him like I should. He was a habit. Like brushing my teeth. I mean, that’s not fair, because that makes it sound like I don’t feel anything for him, and that isn’t true either. We were happy in many ways. But we were more comfortable than we were anything else. I just needed to tell you…even though I don’t have it all figured out. I’m going to have to…deal with my marriage and tell the kids and…”
“Oof,” said Elysia, putting her hand to her chest.
“Yes. Exactly.”
She realized her friends didn’t wholly approve either. She was going to have to be her own barometer. Like trying on a dress and not asking someone else’s opinion. Because actually nobody else knew. She wasn’t going to tell them. She couldn’t dig into all the ways that she and Logan weren’t a cliché, the ways that he wasn’t just a ho phase, though he had certainly done a lot for her inner ho.
But all the clarity, all the certainty, was going to have to come from inside her. No one was going to fulfill everything for her, or give her the answers. She had to fulfill herself. She had to find the answers in herself.
Of all the uncomfortable things.
“You need to be happy,” Whitney said.
“Yeah,” she said. “I do.”
But she knew that it was going to be up to her to decide what that looked like.
She decided that for tonight, she was going to sleep by herself, and get a feel for life in town. Life in this apartment she’d chosen for herself. Life on her own terms.
With or without the approval of the people around her.
***
She spent three days in that space. On the afternoon of that third day, she decided to go to the garage.
Logan was there, and she could see his coveralls-clad legs sticking out from underneath the silver car he was currently working on.
“Is this ours?”
He rolled out from beneath the vehicle, his eyebrows raised. “Yes. I wasn’t sure if I would see you.”
“Well, you know, you could actually come see me.”
“I’m very aware of the fact that this summer is yours,” he said.
“Yes,” she said, looking around the garage. “This summer is mine. That’s why I’m here. Because it’s where I want to be.”
He looked away for a second, then back at her. “Well, that’s nice.”
“Have you been down to see Chloe again?”
“She came up here while you were over in Vermont. Stayed with me for the weekend. I think she enjoyed being back. But I also think she was pretty ready to leave. It’s tough. When they’re just… They don’t need you anymore.”
