My throat dries up. Everything Austin says right now feels like a declaration of love, which is exactly why I need to have a talk with him.
By the time I’ve pulled into our underground carpark and caught the lift up to the apartment, my stomach has become a washing machine stuck on the spin cycle.
Trying to breathe through the chaos, I open the door, and Austin springs off the couch with a broad, overcooked smile. A black-and-white espionage film glows from the TV behind him. Austin is the king of falling asleep while watching old movies, but right now, he’s never looked more awake.
‘Where’ve you been?’ he asks, fidgeting with the cuffs of his long-sleeved T-shirt.
I toe out of my lace-up boots. ‘Hiking.’
‘By yourself?’
A tight breath cuts down my windpipe. ‘Yeah.’
But not by choice.He has no idea how hard it is for me to be away from Evie right now, but I have to get my head together and figure out what I’m going to say before I talk to her about this Melbourne job that I’ve been thinking a lot about.
‘You said you wanted to have a chat?’ Austin asks, a wary pinch between his eyes. ‘’Cause I’ve, uh … I’ve been hoping we could talk, too.’
I pause, waiting for the apology I expect from him over what he said the last time we saw each other.
He stumbles on his next breath. ‘Why don’t you go first.’
I sigh. ‘All right.’I really do need to get this over with.I scrape my hands down on my fleece shorts and perch on the edge of the couch. I couldn’t look less relaxed if I tried.
He sits opposite me, crossing one leg over the other in his tattered jeans.
The words I want to say cling to the back of my throat, but I force them out. ‘I’m sorry about what happened with Nadia.’
Austin flicks a hand at me. ‘Oh, don’t worry, man, she had it coming. I mean, as my manager, do I wish that you took action with the cops a bit sooner so she couldn’t post that video?’ He lifts a shoulder. ‘Sure. But I can forgive you for it. I don’t think either of us thoughtshe actually had the balls to post it. But that ship has left the station, so there’s nothing we can do about it now.’
‘I meant I’m sorry about what happened two years ago,’ I say quietly.
Austin’s breaths still. He stares at me for a long moment. ‘You’ve already apologised for that.’
‘I know. But I’ve been carrying around a mountain of guilt over it for a long time, and I … I need to let it go.’
He looks away, his brow scrunching as if he’s unsure how he feels about me untangling myself from the chains that have tied me up since then. A laboured breath stutters through his lips. ‘Fine; let it go,’ he says. ‘It’s not like Nadia and I had a white picket fence in our future anyway—look how unstable she turned out to be.’ He reaches across the glass coffee table to pat my leg, his fingers brushing the inside of my knee. ‘It all worked out in the end. I’m happy it’s just us now.’
I glance down at his hand, then at his blushing face. ‘Austin, can I ask you something?’
‘Sure.’ He returns his hand to his lap.
‘Do you have feelings for me? I mean, romantic feelings?’
He freezes. The longest five seconds of silence I’ve ever experienced pass by before he stammers, ‘Why are you asking?’
There isn’t a part of me that isn’t trembling. ‘You seem to … to want to be around me all the time. You always want to know what I’m doing and who I’m with. And you get upset with me, likereallyupset, extremelyeasily—especially when I’m … when I’m dating someone.’ I pause, the next words feeling stuck. I swallow hard and try again. ‘So, I’d really like you to tell me the truth. Do you?’
Austin catches his face in his hands. He sits in that position for so long that he doesn’t need to say a word for me to know what his answer is.
Holy shit. The world around me goes dark, and for a moment, I seem to stop breathing. I like to think I’m a reasonably smart and perceptive guy—how the hell did I miss this?
‘I’m sorry,’ he eventually says, the words coming out in an agonised whisper. ‘I’ve been wanting to tell you, but …’
When his voice breaks off, I lean forward and peer into his face, but he refuses to meet my eyes. ‘Hey,’ I say. ‘Don’t be sorry. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way.’
‘You’re my best friend,’ he moans, hiding his face in his palms. ‘You’re the closest person in my life.’ He lifts his head as if it’s made of lead, helplessness filling his gaze.
‘How long have you felt like this?’ I ask, trying to hide how much my mind is spinning out of control.
