“What is that supposed to mean?” I press.
Ronnie’s face scrunches into a grimace as if she’s searching for the right words to explain. “It means…Lexi sees the world in ways that you and I can’t even begin to imagine. To her, numbers aren’t just numbers—they’re shapes, colors, patterns. Things she can physicallyseejust like I see you standing in front of me now. And I’m not talking figuratively, like imagining something. I meanliterally. On top of the many other ways her brilliant mind operates, Lexi has number-form synesthesia, so even if she hated math, she would never be able to escape it. It’s as much a part of her as breathing. So, while, yes, she’sreallysmart,” she continues, mimicking the voice I made before when I said these very same words, “there’s far more to it than that. The synesthesia is just one aspect of how her brain works—of how she experiences the world and everything in it in a way that isn’t considered ‘typical’ by society’s standards. Equations that normal people would need a calculator to solve, she can work outin her head likethat”—she raises one hand and snaps her fingers—“but she couldn’t tell you why someone’s mad at her or what they’re feeling unless they spell it out for her. Sometimes, she’s blunt, or she’ll fixate on stuff most of us wouldn’t notice. You think she’s mean?” She snorts again, the sound condescending. “She’s not. She just doesn’t sugarcoat things, which, frankly, is what I love most about her.Butshe doesn’t always realize how her words or actions can come across. Because of that, Lexi had to learn how to adapt, to weigh every action and word. Of course, that doesn’t mean she always gets it right…or that she always bothers. It depends on the situation and who’s involved. When she feels the need to, though, she’s good at masking—mirroring what people expect of her and becoming that person to help her fit in.”
Ronnie must see the question in my eyes because she says, “Didn’t you wonder how, for someone who issobad at lying, she’s weirdly convincing as your fake girlfriend? That’s her masking. It’s what makes her seem like she’s got her shit together when, in reality, she doesn’t. Far from it. Behind that mask, she’s always on edge, like she’s walking a tightrope, always one misstep from slipping. Always questioning everything because she doesn’t comprehend situations or interactions the same way we do. It’s why she’s not so great with change. She can adjust if she has to, and she’s open to some stuff so long as the push to get there is gentle, but she gets overstimulated and anxious easily, so it takes her time.
“Because of that, her childhood was kind of hard. The way she is, it made her…a lot at times. Especially for her dad. Lexi was this brilliant, quirky kid who saw math everywhere she looked, who understood things those around her didn’t, but who sometimes needed a little extra patience as she tried to process the world, and he just…bailed. He left her mom to handle everything on her own.”
Why are you telling me all this?I’m tempted to say, but I can’t find the words. Or maybe I’m just so desperate to hear more about Blondie that I can’t bring myself to make Ronnie stop.
“Wait, he left because she wassmart?” I ask, overwhelmed and completely taken aback by this unexpected onslaught of information. This is definitely way more than Blondie and I ever agreed to share with each other regarding our personal lives, and I’m not sure if she’d be pissed her friend is telling me this, or simply grateful that she didn’t have to do it herself.
“No,” Ronnie counters, her tone defensive, “he left because he was an asshole who couldn’t handle raising a kid who was ‘different.’ And Lexi picked up on that. It’s why she is the way she is. Why she alternates between pulling away one minute and overcompensating the next, like she’s got to prove she’s worth sticking around for. And why she takes it so hard when she’s let down. Since her dad walked out, she learned to deal with most things on her own because she grew up with this constant, nagging feeling that she was ‘too much’ for the people who were supposed to love her.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “I haven’t met her mom, but I met her aunt, and I didn’t get the impression she’s the kind of person who would ever treat Lexi that way.”
Ronnie scoffs. “Of course not. Gina and Carol are saints. Gina stepped up when Lexi’s dad walked out, and together, they raised Lexi and did everything they could to make her feel normal…even when she wasn’t. Not in a bad way, but you know what I’m saying. Neither of them ever once made Lexi feel like she had to change who she was. But that doesn’t mean other people treat her the same way. She’s spent years trying to balance being herself with being what everyone else thinks she should be. Can you imagine how exhausting that is? It’s why she doesn’t have a lot of friends. Because she’s been burned somany times that finding people who would understand and put up with her eccentricities stopped being worth the hassle.”
“And yet, she found you,” I point out. “And Andie.”
“Yes, well”—Ronnie waves a dismissive hand—“I have a sixth sense about people. I took one look at Lexi and knew she was my soulmate. And Andie’s a weirdo in her own right. The two of them are like two nerdy peas in a pod.”
I consider everything Ronnie’s just told me, trying to formulate my thoughts into words.
“Is that…the stuff with her mom, I mean…why she’s at Conwick instead of some Ivy League college? If she’s as smart as you say—if she really is some kind of math prodigy—then surely, she could’ve gone to any school she wanted.”
Ronnie nods, her face crumpling a little. “Lexi got full-ride offers to every Ivy League and elite research university you can name. MIT practically begged her to go there. Before her mom got sick, her future was set. She was going to attend her dream school, and her high school boyfriend got into Harvard, so they were going to move to Boston together.”
Boyfriend?That thought sends an unexpected rush of jealousy racing through me. I should probably examine why more closely, but my attention is diverted when Ronnie continues.
“But then senior year hit, and halfway through the spring semester, her mom got diagnosed. The admission deadlines had already passed, but Conwick made an exception for Lexi, and without hesitation, she gave up her dream college to stay in Newport and be here for Carol through her chemo. If it was just losing out on MIT, I think it would’ve been less of a blow, but her prick boyfriend dumped her the second she told him she wasn’t going to Boston.”
That flash of jealousy returns, but it’s angry this time. Vengeful. I quickly tamp it down, hooked onto Ronnie’s every word with bated breath.
“The last year and a half has royally sucked for her. And all the while, she keeps up this act like she’s fine. But she’s not. Not really. She’s still giving everything she has, trying to save her mom and hold it all together, and meanwhile, you’re over here thinking this is about cosplay.”
I recoil at the venom in her voice. Well, that certainly took a turn.
“I didn’t know! If I had…” I trail off. If I had…what?
What the fuck would I have done?
I can only assume Ronnie is wondering the same thing because her next words are biting. “Lexi’s been let down too many times, and ironically, one of those times was byyou. She can try to downplay it all she wants, but she was really hurt by that whole thing with the bet. It might not seem like a big deal to you, a name on a list—who cares? But for someone who rarely opens up to people…it seriously fucked with her. Not to mention, itliterallyruined spring break for her, which I am so angry about since you havenoidea how hard it was to get her to agree to go on a plane in the first place.”
Is all of that true? The spring break part lines up—Mason chose then of all times to drop his stupid video, right before a bunch of us were due to go to Cabo, a trip my parents promptly put an end to when the video went viral. But what about the rest? I know Blondie harbors some unresolved aggression toward me for the whole bucket list fiasco, but I assumed that was just because I embarrassed her on a public scale, not because Iactuallyhurt her feelings. It never seemed that serious to me.
And that,my conscience sneers,is precisely why you don’t deserve her forgiveness.
“Do you get it now? Why I don’t trust you?” Ronnie hisses, dropping her voice. “Why Ineverwanted her to do this? Things with you two have already crossed a dangerous line, and if you screw this up, it’s not just her mom’s literallifeat stake, it’s Lexi’s faith in people. And any faith she may ever consider placing in someone again. So, if you’re planning on just fucking her around, getting your dick wet, and then disappearing again, I’d think twice. Find some other willing pussy and leave her out of it.”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I nearly shout, surprised at my own vehemence.
Ronnie drops her gaze and shrugs, picking at her polished red nails. “For her sake, I hope that’s the truth. And if it’s not…” Her eyes snap back to mine. “Well, I suppose it’s a good thing I look great in orange.”
Without another word, she trots off, leaving me reeling.
I don’t know how long I stand there, completely stupefied by my conversation with Ronnie, but when I next look up, Blondie is directly in front of me, staring at me through narrowed eyes. The two cups she was previously holding have mysteriously vanished.
Leaning into my space, she murmurs, “Your head looks like a traffic cone.” Then she giggles, dangling off my shoulder with one hand and batting at my hat with the other, like a kitten that’s had one too many sniffs of catnip.
