So I resist the urge to call Holden. I put my phone on silent and curl up around Ashton, singing the lullaby over and over until he finally succumbs to sleep. I, however, lie awake for much longer. The tremulous shadows stretch through the room, broken only by the bathroom light I’d left on. The unfamiliar bed and the quiet give me permission to cry for the first time since I made the decision to leave.
“How did this all get so fucked up?” I whisper into the night, but my only answer comes in the form of deafening silence.
Everything looks the same as the day I left. Empty, cold corridors. Heavy metal doors and plaques bearing numbers painted in white. Overhead fluorescent lights that hum and blank white walls. Dark stone flooring and pale yellow sunshade on the balcony doors. Nothing has changed in the months I’ve been away, except for the thin layer of dust on the surfaces.
I set the suitcase by the door and stare around at the apartment I never thought I’d live in again. I knew I’d come back to visit—Austin welcomed me with open arms and became my home, how could I stay away forever?—but this isn’t just a visit. This is me coming home reeking of failure.
I couldn’t make Holden love me enough to not push me away. I couldn’t be important enough to him. I may have been complicit in the relationship’s end with my inaction, but the fact remains that Holden didn’t fight for me, either. He showed me I’m forgettable, and I lost a relationship I once prayed to never lose.
Ashton toddles sleepily toward the couch, crawling up onto the cushions, and lets out a heavy sigh. It isn’t but two minutes later that he’s asleep. I exhale slowly and run a hand through my hair. Deciding against moving him, I lock the door behind me and make my way across the room. He doesn’t move as I lie down beside him on the wide cushion. I fall asleep trying to convince myself that all I need is him.
Over the next few days, I struggle to settle back in to the city. It isn’t as peaceful as I’d hoped. My mind revolves around Tennessee, despite my best efforts. I take Ashton to the park and to the walking bridge over the river, but nothing fully distracts me. I avoid the coffeeshop I once frequented.
The worst part of it all is the fact I can’t stop myself from searching the internet for news about Holden. I drink in every article and post on social media. I can’t stay away from the blog that posted about us on our anniversary. I torture myself by reading the smug, venomous words that celebrate my absence. Gossip sites have taken the story and run with it, but nothing cuts as deep as what the blogger has to say.
as quickly as she came into his life, she’s gone just as fast! wonder if our boy kicked her to the curb because she tried forcing him to be her kid’s father. ding dong, bitches, the witch is gone!!
I know the blogger is winning. What I feel right now is exactly what they want. They want me to feel as small and insignificant as possible, like I’ve intruded on and ruined whatever relationship Holden has with his fans. The blogger demands that I know my place in the world and it isn’t by Holden’s side. And damn it all if I haven’t started believing it.
The only thing I can do now, though, is make sure Ashton is happy. I want this transition to be easy for him. All I hope for is that he’s too young to remember later just how big a presence in our lives that Holden was. Once Ashton has acclimated to a life without him, everything will go on as it should. Holden Lynch will just be a painful memory I will forever carry with me, but Ashton will be fine.
The morning is bright, the heat climbing though not quite unbearable yet, and Ashton waves before crawling up the steps of the play structure. The playground is full of screeching delight of dozens of kids, mothers and fathers and everything between watching the children. I settle more comfortably on the bench and smile when Ashton goes down the slide without prompting. He walks toward me once he’s on the ground and launches himself into my lap.
“You see, An’ Dee?”
“Yeah, baby, I saw. You were a brave boy going down the slide by yourself. I’m proud of you.”
“Coffee, An’ Dee? I coffee?”
I frown. I haven’t been to Rise & Grind since we moved back. I knows if I do, it will bring about questions I’m ill-equipped to answer. The concern from my support system has come in the form of unanswered calls and texts, even from my mother. I wonder if any of them tried to contact Holden.
Shaking my head, I push Ashton’s hair from his face. “You really want coffee, little man?” At his exuberant nod, I sigh. “Then I guess we’re going to get coffee.”
Ashton squeals happily in the backseat when I park in the familiar lot. I stare through the windshield at the coffeeshop, swallowing against the shame spiraling through me. How am I going to look my best friends in the eye and admit I’ve lost the one relationship they’ve ever actively supported? My breath comes out shakily, and I push the thoughts away.
Ashton wiggles, giggling and grinning, as I pull him from his seat. He holds my hand as we cross the lot to the door, and the bell tinkles overhead, announcing our arrival.
“Be right there,” Tristan calls without turning from the espresso machine.
I lead Ashton around the line of customers toward a table. Unfortunately, our trek is interrupted by a voice calling my name. Ashton’s hand tugs from mine, and he’s off, running toward Luci with the agility of a newborn puppy. He giggles even as he falls to the floor.
“Hey, dude!” Luci crows as she scoops him into her arms. “Oh, I’ve missed you so much. How are you? What’cha want today?”
I wave awkwardly when Tristan finishes pulling the espresso shots and turns to look at me. His lips tug down into a frown, and I shift my weight between my feet before sitting down at a four-top. Luci joins a moment later, setting Ashton down on the seat across from me. He immediately tears a chunk off his muffin and stuffs it into his mouth. I do my best to ignore Luci’s scrutiny, but that effort is wasted when she opens her mouth to speak.
“I love seeing your face, DeeDee, you know this. But why are you here?”
“Because Ash and I want coffee.”
“Don’t be a smartass. You’re supposed to be in Tennessee, living it up with your boyfriend in the land of country music.”
“There’s rap and rock, too,” I protest weakly, and Luci frowns and rolls her eyes. “Stop, Luci.”
“Then tell me why you’re here.”
Ashton turns, holds out a fistful of muffin bits toward Luci. “’Den no home.”
“I’ll explain later,” I whisper at the confused look my friend sends my way.
