“Holden, it’s fine. You’re not the only one who’s dropped the ball. Besides, it would be different if you forgot on the actual day. We have time.”
“I just… I don’t want you thinking our relationship isn’t important to me. Because it is. You are important to me. I love you, and I don’t want you to doubt that.”
“I don’t. So what do you want to do for our anniversary?”
“Well, as you said, we have time to figure it out.”
I nod slowly and pull my knees up to my chest. Ashton squirms a few seconds later, pushes away from Holden, and I watch the toddler as he digs through the toy-box. He comes up with a fistful of cars, settling down to push them across the floor. A traitorous voice in my head reminds me I’m not the only one that is going to get hurt. Guilt twists hotly in my chest.
If this doesn’t work out, Ashton is going to be the one to pay the price. He’ll be losing yet another person in his short life.
And it’s all my fault.
I stare across the table at Holden, scrutinizing him as he skims over the menu. I hadn’t been sure we would be able to do this tonight—not with how much time he’s been spending trying to ready for his tour. I hate how deeply I’d expected him to cancel the date.
But he hadn’t. Holden had come home an hour later than he promised, but he came home. I’m just thankful he didn’t forget or tell me he couldn’t make it. We need this opportunity to get out of the house, away from Ashton and the responsibilities of raising a child, to be on our own and let ourselves be in love.
This last month has been a struggle. Work is fine—my friendships with my colleagues have become steadier. My personal life, on the other hand, is nowhere near as stable. The disconnect has only grown harder for me to ignore. I spend so many hours of the night trying to figure out where things have gone so awry, and it’s affecting my sleep schedule. It’s affecting my waking hours.
I yearn to fix this—everything that isn’t perfect—but I haven’t the faintest notion of where to start. I wish I knew how to tell Holden I’m unhappy without making him feel guilty. I don’t, so I keep the question behind my teeth.
“How’s the prep for tour going?” I ask, hating the hesitation in my voice.
Holden looks away from the menu. Candlelight flickers across his face, and I see the distracted glaze ease from his eyes. He sips his wine and shrugs jerkily.
“It’s going pretty well. Should be able to head out without trouble.”
“That’s good. I’m excited for the world to hear your songs.”
“I’m excited to play them.” His face lights up, and he folds his arms on the table. Leaning forward, his gaze meets mine. “It’s some of my best work, I think.”
“So tell me about it, then. I mean, you haven’t really told me much about it, and I haven’t heard more than a couple snippets off it. Is there a theme?”
“Yeah, there is. Haven’t quite gotten it completely sorted yet, though.”
Holden smiles shortly, his gaze dropping to the tabletop. His fingers tap against the wood, and I slump against the disappointment. Now he’s ended the topic of his music, he doesn’t look nearly as engaged in the potential conversation. I sigh and reach for my glass.Should have just stayed home. A wince pulls at my face when the thought crosses my mind. Accurate, it is, but not something I should be thinking on our anniversary.
After dinner turns out to be nothing more than a drive back home. Unlike our first date, Holden doesn’t try to be sweet, doesn’t plan anything else. I wish I had planned something more, but I hadn’t, either, too afraid this date would never have materialized. So I accept the reality and, with a void in my chest that suffocates me with each breath, head into the house.
The low beep of an incoming text breaks through my sleep, jerks me from my dreams—the loneliness, the emptiness, the desolation. I fumble for my phone and peer at the screen.
Luci
Hey, I love you and all, which is why I’m bothering you on your anniversary to ask if everything is okay.
Dealla
Dude, it’s 2 in the morning. Why are you pestering me right now?
Luci
Sorry I woke you up. I didn’t think about the time. ANYWAY! Is everything okay?
Dealla
Yeah, everything’s fine. Why?
Luci’s response is a link, and I tap on it. My heart sinks when the webpage loads; the post is full of photographs. They’re grainy, dark, but there’s no mistake. They were taken when Holden and I were having dinner. That article leads me to a blog that brings nothing but more pain.
