“I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, because that smile tells me you’re real sympathetic to the situation.” I manage a smile that I hope will take the sting out of my words. “I miss you.”
“I miss you, too. Only a little bit longer, then I’ll be home.”
“Good. So how was your day, since we know mine went downhill?”
I listen as he talks about the interviews, the people he’s meeting with, and the up-and-coming musician who will be opening for him on tour. Something sharp stabs through my chest, a jagged edge that slices me clean, at how at ease he seems. He’s off in the world, doing what he wants and loves, away from the responsibility of raising a child. He got his escape from the burden of having a toddler relying on him for everything.
I don’t get that opportunity. I can’t just walk away. Even if I had the ability, even if someone came in and told me they’d take over caring for Ashton, I’d never accept. I had the chance to be selfish; I could have told Katie and the judge I can’t do it, I have my own life to live. But I hadn’t. Now I’m left to deal with the consequences of that decision, and I have no right to complain.
Holden has to hang up a few minutes later, citing a business dinner with the tour and band managers, but promises to call back at bedtime so he can say goodnight to Ashton. I stare at my phone screen, blank and mocking, then lock the device before setting it on the countertop. Ashton scoots away from me when I reach for him.
“No go! No go!”
“Ash, please, don’t do this, okay? Let’s get out of the tub and go have dinner.”
“No!” he shouts again as he slams his hands into the water. “No, no, no, no—”
“That’s enough!”
He stares up at me with wide eyes and quivering chin. I clap a hand over my mouth, stomach churning, and bitter guilt chokes me. It’s hot and vile and excruciating. My heart aches, yearns to turn back time, to never yell at the innocent child who’s only doing what toddlers do.
However, the damage is done.
Ashton remains silent as he climbs clumsily to his feet. My eyes burn, a sob bubbling up when he flinches as I near. I hold him as close as I possibly can, and he trembles in my arms. I will never forgive myself for this.
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. Auntie Dee is so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted at you. I’m so sorry.”
The toddler doesn’t say anything in response, but I hadn’t expected him to. I continue to murmur out apologies while I wrap him in a towel, carry him to the bedroom, and dress him. Throughout it all, he stays quiet, fingers picking at the hem of his clothing, and he goes to his toy bin without being told.
I swallow down the bile when he grabs his purple lion and clutches it tightly. My heart breaks further when he avoids my gaze—the same thing he always did to Katie.I’m Katie. I’m no better than his mother. I barely manage to make it to the toilet before I’m vomiting and sobbing in turns.
Dinner is a quiet affair. Ashton hardly touches his food, and I do the same, pushing my peas around my plate instead of taking a bite. I’d already tried—it all tastes and feels like sawdust on my tongue. How can I help Ashton past this betrayal? I’ve just proved to him that the one person he’s always relied on has become exactly like the one who abandoned him. I have failed him.
“Wanna sleep in my bed tonight?” I whisper as I carry him up the stairs, and the nausea abates, recedes a fraction, at his nod. “Okay, baby, let’s get you tucked in.”
Ashton doesn’t speak much to Holden when he calls, and I see how worried my boyfriend is. I can’t explain it, not with Ashton so near. Eventually, Holden gives up trying to get conversation from the toddler. I kiss Ashton’s hair and promise to be right back; he curls up in the center of the bed, still clinging to his lion, and watches the cartoons on the television.
“What happened?” Holden asks quietly once the video grows dimmer as I leave the room.
I sit on the floor just inside Ashton’s bedroom and stop trying to hold back the tears. My voice cracks and shakes as I tell Holden everything—including having shouted at Ashton. He doesn’t interrupt, and I want to thank him for that. I don’t think I could be this honest if he spoke right now. He just lets me cry.
“I’m sorry I can’t be there,” he murmurs after I’ve finally fallen silent with only my soft hiccups breaking the quiet. “I can’t imagine how hard it’s been on you these last few weeks.”
“It’s—it’s fine. Whatever. I chose to accept the responsibility instead of letting him go into the system.”
“It doesn’t mean you have to pretend you’re not struggling, Dealla.”
“I don’t get to complain about it, Holden,” I snap. “It was my decision to keep him.”
“Dee—”
“I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Tell me something happy.”
Holden blows out a breath, scrubs at his jaw with a hand that’s never brought me pain, then smiles crookedly. “Would me telling you I love you be considered something happy?”
I grin despite myself, but before I can reply, a tiny voice calls my name. I let out a sharp exhale, closing my eyes, and push the darkness back. My heart pounds a painful rhythm against my ribs, though I ignore the way it steals my breath.
