My toes curl around the edge of the abyss; I stare into the tenebrous dark and weigh my options. If Holden is certain—if hetrulywants this—who am I to deny him something so small, something I yearn for as well? But, the abyss whispers back, he could still change his mind. Spending a few hours with a child is nothing compared to the responsibility of having the child around twenty-four-seven. There’s no proper preparation for having a child in your life every second of every day.
I had months to get ready for Ashton’s existence. Holden hasn’t had that.
“If you’re sure,” I begin, closing my eyes, “then I guess Ashton and I will be there.”
Holden blows out a breath that crackles the line, and his smile comes through when he says, “Good. That’s—that’s great. Thank you, Dealla. Okay, I should have been in the shower already, so give Ashton my love, and I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay.”
I end the call and chew on the inside of my cheek. Holden hadn’t ended our relationship. In fact, he did the opposite. I know I should be thrilled, doing a happy dance and shouting it from the rooftops, but a dark cloud hovers over my head. There’s the risk that this could all go sideways. That Holden will find everything too much to handle and end it while we’re in Tennessee. Then where would Ashton and I be? Shaking my head, I dismiss the thoughts as best as I can.
Thinking this way will only drive me out of my mind.
I give me another minute to compose myself then I stand. I shove the fears and doubts into their box in the rear of my mind, and there they wait obediently for me to examine them further. Right now isn’t the time to do so. Right now, I have a child to care for, so that is what I’m going to do.
The next couple of hours are spent binge-watching some 90s sitcom while Ashton naps and kissing him goodbye once he wakes. My life may be topsy-turvy, but I still have responsibilities. I have class to go to and a degree to work towards. Luci ushers me out the door then shuts it behind me; the lock scrapes into place. All I can do is laugh, shake my head, and walk away.
Class passes surprisingly quickly. I manage to make it through the lecture without my attention straying for too long, and I even take notes that make sense. My phone emits a low ding as I follows my friends to the parking lot. I say a distracted goodbye and pull up the email that has just come in.
Two round-trip tickets, bound for Nashville, Tennessee on the seventeenth and back to Austin on the fifth of January.
Sending Holden a text saying nothing more than ‘Thank you’, I slide into the driver’s seat, reverse from the parking stall, and point the wheels toward home.
…Come…
Ashtonstirsbutdoesn’twake. I breathe out a sigh of relief and continue carrying the armful of clothes to the living room where the two suitcases wait on the couch. Luci stands still until I drop the bundle onto the coffee table, then she starts folding Ashton’s jeans. With both of us working together, it takes almost no time to pack the suitcases full. She takes them out to the car while I enter my bedroom once more.
True to my predictions, Ashton fusses when I wake him, fidgets and whines as I ready him for the day. He, thankfully, eats his breakfast without complaint—I silently send gratitude to the creators of frozen waffles for their ingenuity. As soon as he’s done, I wash the plate and fork then unbuckle him from his seat. I double-check that there’s nothing I’ve forgotten, grab Ashton’s hand, and lead him out of the apartment.
Luci leaves us at security, kissing Ashton on the cheek, and I watch her disappear through the crowd milling about. Somehow, I get Ashton and myself through the checkpoint and to a pair of seats by the large window without too much hassle. An elderly couple sits across from us, and I force a smile before turning my attention to Ashton.
“You have a darling boy,” the woman says, her wrinkled face softening with her smile.
I bite back the knee-jerk reaction of telling the woman that Ashton isn’t my son, that I’m just the one raising him because his actual mother was too selfish to do her job. Instead, I thank her and run a hand over Ashton’s hair. He climbs down off the chair at my encouragement when the old man holds up a coin. The next thirty minutes are full of magic tricks and idle chitchat before the couple rises to their feet and walks away when their flight is called.
I watch them go and wonder if Holden and I could ever have that. Does he want that, to grow old together, help another young woman struggling to keep her child corralled in an airport, to entertain the little one and see their grandchildren in him? My heart clenches at the mental image, the question, and I realize—
I want that. Truly, madly, deeply.
Eddie grins widely when I come through the gate with Ashton on my hip. The man throws his arms around us as soon as he can, carefully squeezing us, and I can do nothing but laugh at the exuberance. He keeps an arm draped over my shoulder as he steers me toward baggage claim. Though I protest, he carries the suitcase out of the airport and across the parking lot.
It shouldn’t be a surprise to see a carseat in the backseat—after all, it’s a legal requirement, and I doubt Holden would allow us in a car without one—but it still takes me aback. I glance at Eddie. He doesn’t seem to notice me as he stows the suitcase in the trunk, so I don’t mention it. I merely get Ashton buckled in and run my finger along his cheek before I slide into the front passenger seat.
Six text messages and a voicemail await my attention when I turn on my phone, and I respond to the group chat with Tristan and Luci, assuring them Ashton and I landed safely. Once the message is delivered, I tell my parents the same. Holden’s text is surprisingly reserved—merelyHave a safe flight xx. I don’t bother responding; he can figure out the flight was successful when we arrive on his doorstep.
The voicemail from my father gives me pause. There’s something in his voice, his words, that I’ve not heard before.
“Hey, kid. I just wanna let you know… I’m proud of you. You know that, right? I know you’re gonna ask if everything’s alright, and it is. Don’t worry. I’m just an old man who’s realized he hasn’t exactly been the best dad to his daughter. I just—I guess I still see you as the little girl who used to look up to me, but you ain’t that anymore, are you? I miss who you used to be, but I’m so damn proud of who you’ve become. Anyway, I, uh, I just wanted to tell you I love you. Call me whenever you get this. If you want.”
I wipe away the tear that lingers in the corner of my eye and save the message to my phone. Eddie glances at me when I lower my phone to my lap, and I smile, say it’s my dad being weirdly affectionate out of nowhere.
“Gotta be the holidays,” he suggests with a shrug. “So does the little guy know where he’s going?”
I shake my head and chew on the edge of my thumbnail. “Nah, I figured I’d let it be one of his Christmas surprises. Ashton really loves him.”
“He really loves Ashton, too,” says Eddie with a quick glance in the mirror before changing lanes. “Because I like you and I think you can handle hearing this, I never thought I’d see the day he’d fall so hard for someone like he has for you. He’s been in relationships before, sure, some that were serious, some not. But you and Ashton? You two have become so important to him, and I’m… I’m thankful for that. For you coming into his life and staying. He deserves the happiness more than anyone I know.”
I squirm and avoid looking at him. His tone is too pleading, too earnest, and I feel pinned by the gravity of his words. Turning my face toward the window, I exhale slowly to calm myself. To not make a fool of myself by crying over such simple words.
