“I can’t leave Ashton, Luci.”
“Sotell Holden. Let him know, and y’all can figure it out like mature adults.”
Tristan has much the same advice, though he makes it clear that he thinks I would be making a mistake if I say no. His expression softens as I avert my gaze, and he reaches for my hands. My lips quiver though I try to smile as steadily as possible.
“Go call your man, girl. Tell him you’re in love with him but just need some time.”
“He knows I need time,” I retort before my brain catches up, registers what he’s said. “You’re a freakin’ sneak.”
“It’s because I know you so well. Now, go.”
I give him a watery giggle and push to my feet. Tristan stays with Ashton while I carry the plates to the bin. After dumping the scraps of danish, I set the plate on the cart and duck behind the counter to hug Luci tight. I have too much to think about, but I know I can count on my two best friends whenever I hit a wall. Whenever my own mind gets in the way.
As I drive home with Ashton in the backseat, I let myself imagine. Let myself admit… Living with Holden can only help our relationship to grow. I wouldn’t always have an empty bed to lie in, an empty apartment to come home to. I want that. Damn it, I do.
But I meant it: Leaving Ashton isn’t an option. It has never been an option, and it will never be. It might be self-centered to think, but I know I’m the biggest reason he’s doing as well as he is.
Sure, if the judge says ‘no’, if they say Katie can’t sign away her rights to me, Ashton could go into foster care, where he might have a shot at a good life. I am aware I would most likely never see him again if that happens. I’d have to say a goodbye that would kill me.
Or he’d go to Paige who would do her best to protect him and raise him right. She would let me see him as often as I want, and I wouldn’t be able to see Ashton if I lived in Tennessee. The thought terrifies me.
Somehow, I get through the day without crumbling under the weight of my thoughts. I put Ashton to bed, sitting on the floor at his bedside for almost half an hour before clambering to my feet. The hinges squeak quietly as I pull the door shut behind me. I slowly lower myself to sit on the couch and stare at the dark screen of my television.
Now that I’m alone, now that Holden has changed everything by asking me to move in, I’m not sure what I want for my life anymore. Ashton, always. Protection and a wonderful future full of potential. That’s what I want for him.
But should it be me?
Family First
Iwakebeforethesun has risen and blink sleepily as I try to figure out what woke me. I fumbles for my phone, tap the screen, and let out a quiet groan when I see the time.5:39.Too early, I think as I roll over in bed. My eyes slip closed then snap back open. I flop onto my other side to check the date on my phone.
December thirteenth.
The hearing.
It’s today.
I have spent the last two weeks caring for Ashton and going to class. Allowing home inspections from the child welfare agency. In my spare time, I fit phone calls with my parents, hangouts with Luci and Tristan, and the occasional text conversation with Holden. He hasn’t brought up the topic of me moving in, and I haven’t, either.
It doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. The question occupies my mind in the light of day and quiet moments of night. It haunts me. I have no answer, I have nothing to offer but a hope that Holden changes his mind. I would even accept him ending the relationship because I won’t move in.
Slipping out of bed, I grab my phone and tiptoe from the room. Ashton sleeps on, ignorant of what the day can bring. Either he will be coming home with me or going to some unfamiliar office where he will await a strange family to take him in. Both options are equally frightening.
A knock echoes through the quiet apartment, and I frown at the sound. My neighbors have only ever knocked on my door roughly three times in the years I have lived here, and none of those times had been before ten in the morning. I twist a lock of hair and pad to the entryway.
As soon as the door opens, Tristan smiles, reassuring and steady and almost as needed as the cup of iced mocha he holds in his hand.
“Thought you might need some reinforcements.”
“The coffeeshop isn’t even open right now, what the Hell.”
“Kenny let me in early so I could make it for you. Five shots of espresso because you’re a caffeine fiend who probably didn’t sleep worth shit last night, and extra white chocolate. Also, Kenny wishes for the best and says if you need him to, he’ll close up shop long enough to teach the judge a lesson.”
“You wouldn’t help him?”
“Of course I would, idiot. But I’d do it by getting you and Ash safely out of town.” He shrugs and perches on the stool. “Besides, Luci’s the better fighter. She’d have his back.”
“What did I ever do to deserve you guys?”
