“Weshouldtalktoa judge.”
I freeze, tightening my grip around the phone in my hand. Ashton pushes his cars around on the rug withvroomnoises, a smile on his face. He’s oblivious to everything going on, the way his mother is able to ruin my life. The way sheisruining my life. A spike pierces my heart, and I inhale shakily. My palms grow clammy. Why would Katie need a judge? I clear my throat and eke out a “Why?”
Katie sighs, and I imagine her running her fingers through her fine hair. “I… I can’t keep him. I’m not the mother he needs, and I don’t think I will be for a while. Not until I get help for myself.”
“So you want to give him away to somestrangers?“ I swallow thickly as a tear slips down my cheek. “Katie, your mom would love to have him. She’d make sure he has a good life. Or I can—I can take care of him. Ican. He’ll be in good hands with me. He doesn’t need strangers.”
“I know, Dealla. I know that. It’s why I, well, I want to sign custody over to you. If you’re sure you can handle it.”
“Kate…”
I squeeze my eyes closed and sniffle. Can I really handle raising a child? Of course I can. I remind myself I’ve been the one constant in Ashton’s life since Katie began her downward spiral. But it’s different when the responsibilities are all the time, never-ending and without break. Ashton… Ashton is worth it. Right?
God, is he worth it.
“Are you sure?” I whisper.
“Areyou?“ Katie counters. “Look, Dealla, you’ve… You’ve been a better mom to him than I ever have. You’ve always put him first, even though he isn’t your responsibility. He adores you. You’re the best person for the job. I know Mom would take him, but let’s be honest. There’s really no relationship between them because of me. So will you do it?”
There’s no hesitation: “Yes. Fuck yes, Katie, I’ll do it.”
“Good. I’ll, uh, I’ll call you once I know more.”
“Thank you.”
Katie hangs up without another word, and I drop to sit on the couch. I can’t believe it. My thoughts have fled in the face of the offer. The near-plea that I care for the little boy I’ve loved so fiercely for two years. I call his name and pull him into my arms once he gets close enough. He squirms, but I don’t release him. Pressing a kiss to his hair, I promise to be what he needs.
I spend the rest of the day searching the internet for a well-recommended guardianship attorney within a thirty-mile radius. If Katie is serious, then I need to be prepared. I don’t tell anyone about my stepsister’s call—I couldn’t bear it if others knew, got excited, got hopeful, only for Katie to change her mind. I don’t think I could handle if Katie changed her mind.
My phone rings shortly after Ashton goes to bed for the night, and I stare at the contact photo on the screen. A voice in my head tells me to ignore the phone, to go to bed and fall asleep to the sound of my nephew breathing. A larger part of me wants to hear Holden’s voice. It’s been three days since we talked on the phone—he’s back on tour, which means less time to do more than send a sporadic text or selfie.
“Hey, thought you weren’t gonna answer,” he says as soon as I press Accept.
“Almost didn’t,” I admit, picking at a thread on my shorts. “Then I figured I can sleep when I’m dead. Talking to you is more important.”
“Glad I’m worth that spot. So how was your day?”
I tell him about Ashton and my early-morning lecture while Luci watched him, the professor who managed to lock himself out of the hall and had to wait for maintenance to come let him in. By the time we students filed in, there were only fifteen minutes left of class. That hadn’t stopped him from assigning homework.
“Katie called, too,” I say hesitantly, uncertain whether I should say anything at all.
“Yeah? How’d that go?”
“Better than I expected.” I scratch at the corner of my eye; when I pull my hand back, an eyelash rests on the tip of my finger. “She wants me to have custody of Ashton.”
Holden is quiet after the declaration. So silent, I check the screen of my phone to make sure the call is still connected. It is, the seconds ticking upward. Finally, he coughs quietly, but he doesn’t speak. I frown at the silence.
“She’s gonna talk to a judge,” I add, hoping it will spur a response.
It does: “So you’re accepting custody if a judge will allow it?”
“Yeah. If Katie goes through with it, yes. I mean, I have him all the time now, anyway. It wouldn’t be much different.”
“That’s true.”
Something in Holden’s voice gives me pause. Is that doubt I hear? Does he think I can’t do this? Does he think this is reason enough to break up? Will he think I’ll end up using him for Ashton’s benefit? I would never, but there must be some sort of questioning deep in his soul. After all, we’re so different. We lead very different lifestyles. His money would make raising a child easier, if I were so inclined.
I’m not.
