Someone knocks on the door, and I check the time. Waving a hand toward the glasses and bottle of wine in the center of the coffee-table, I head to the door while the other two carry evidence of our ‘emergency Wine & Whine’ to the kitchen.
Ashton reaches for me as soon as the door swings inward, and Katie releases him into my hold. I take a second to examine my nephew. He’s a mess: Remnants of food cover his cheeks and mat his hair, and the soles of his bare feet are dark with dirt and dust. I fight back my words, setting Ashton on the floor. He walks toward the living room with his fingers stuffed in his mouth.
“Katie—”
But my former stepsister is already disappearing around the corner, having dropped the diaper bag on the floor at my feet. I stare after her and wonder how long it will be before she wants her son back.
Luci throws Ashton’s dirty clothes into the washing machine along with the load I’ve been meaning to do. Tristan strips Ashton down to his diaper while I go into the bathroom to draw a bath for the child. It takes longer than I expected, but finally, Ashton is clean and dressed in warm pajamas speckled with rainbow frogs. I’ve just sat him on the couch between my best friends when my phone rings. Tristan brings up cartoons on the television, and Luci pulls Ashton closer into her side. I answer the call without looking at the caller ID.
“Hello?”
There’s a pause, then a familiar chuckle meets my ears. “That was fast,” Holden comments, and my cheeks burn. “Miss me?”
“Yeah, I didn’t wanna bother Ashton while he watches cartoons. And yes, if you must know, I do miss you.”Too much.
“Miss you, too.” He hums softly then yawns; the sound is slightly muffled, as if he’s covered his mouth. “Hi, I made it home.”
“Good, I’m glad to hear that. How was the flight?”
“Boring. I didn’t wanna be on it, but I had no choice.”
“I’m sorry, sweets.”
“Do you have time to talk?”
Such a simple, innocuous question. Six words, that’s all it takes, and my heart skips a beat. I wrap an arm over my stomach and struggle to stay steady under the weight of his inquiry. Catching my friends’ attention, I gesture toward my bedroom. They nod in silence, so I slip through the doorway and close the door behind me.
“Yeah, I do,” I finally say once I’m sitting on the bed.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Just had to make sure Ash was okay first. Tristan and Luci have him right now, though, so plenty of time to talk.”
“Tristan’s there?”
I frown at the odd inflection in his voice. Something twists in my gut. “Uh, he and Luce came over for a bit, yeah. Everything okay?”
“I just… Okay, I know you’re close with him and all, and that Luci is there, too, but…”
It clicks: “You and I haven’t talked about what we are, so it’s bothering you that he’s here, even though you know literally nothing is going on between him and me.”
“Exactly,” Holden replies with an awkward chuckle.
“Guess we should talk about it then.”
The silence between us stretches, a rubber band pulled to its fullest extent and trembling violently with the need to snap. It thrums with tension that threatens to explode. I fidget as I try to think of what to say. I don’t want to start the conversation, though. I don’t want to make the decision, to be the one to choose what happens next. If I do, it means I’ve let my heart win.
If I do, I risk being made a fool in a way I can’t take back.
“Can we do a video chat?” Holden asks suddenly.
My heart quickens in my chest, pounds beneath my ribs, and I nod though he can’t see. I pull my phone away from my ear and tap the icon to start the video. The sight of his face takes my breath away. The crystal gray of his eyes is muted through the connection, but they still captivate me. His hair is in disarray as if he’s run his fingers through it repeatedly. The beginnings of dark circles have formed under his eyes. His lips quirk upward into a small smile.
I turn my attention to the bedspread, picking at a stray thread. I can’t hold off any longer. “I wasn’t ready for a relationship,” I mumble; my voice cracks, so I clear my throat. “I’m in school full-time, practically raising a child that isn’t mine. My life is already full, y’know?”
“I—”
“No, let me get this out. I was content. With everything. But then you… God, Holden,” my words coming out on a breathless laugh, “you came crashing into my life that day in the coffeeshop, and it didn’t bother me that I was taking time to talk to you. That I was unknowingly adjusting my days around your calls and texts. When I realized it, I tried to ignore it. I figured whatever we had was rushing toward its expiration date. You’d move on, we’d occasionally send a text to catch up, and that would be it.
