“No, no, you’ve got me curious now. You can’t just leave it at that.”
“I can and am,” I reply with a smirk.
Holden rolls his eyes, but I can see his smile. I count it as a win, especially when he lets the subject drop. I glance at my phone on the coffee-table then reach for it. The screen lights up, and somehow, I’m not surprised to see it’s past eleven o’clock. Holden must realize the time as well, for he hesitates but asks about sleeping on the couch. I don’t question it: I grab a spare pillow and blanket from the laundry closet. Setting them on the end of the couch, I grab my glass and take Holden’s from his hand once it’s empty. A shiver races down my spine as our fingers brush.
Looking back later, I won’t be able to say who moved first or if perhaps we moved at the same time. All I’ll ever know is one second, I’m on my feet staring down into those beautiful gray eyes, then the next, I’m straddling his lap. He’s an amazing kisser, my brain catalogs, and I nearly giggle. My lips part, my tongue brushes his lower lip, and he obliges. He tastes of wine and the salty bite of soy sauce. His hands come up to rest on my waist, holding me here even as he explores my mouth.
“Wait, wait, wait,” I murmur into the kiss; I’ve just remembered the wineglasses are still in my hands, my arms held out to the side. I pull back, stretch to put them on the table, then face Holden again. “Okay, we’re good. Where were we?”
I breathe in his huff of laughter and swallow it down as I seal our mouths together. He pulls me even closer. His heartbeat thunders under my palms as I slide my hands over his chest. He groans low in his throat when my fingernails press into his skin, my hips push down against him. My skin grows tight, my very essence blooming into something larger than myself. My body threatens to burst apart with the sensations.
“Do you have anything?” he whispers when we part, breathing heavily.
I bite my lip then gasp when his teeth scrape against my throat. “Fuck, don’t stop,” I whimper.
“I don’t want to, believe me.”
“Then let’s not.”
“Answer my question first.”
I clamber clumsily off his lap, tugging on his hand, and he follows me into the bedroom. My hands press against his chest; he lets himself fall to the mattress while I round the bed to dig through the nightstand drawer. I know the box is in here—Luci had bought it for me months ago in hopes it would motivate me to ‘get lucky’. She had no idea then that this would be me getting lucky.
Once the condom is in hand, I crawl onto the mattress to straddle Holden again. He pushes the hem of my shirt up, up, up over my head and tosses it aside. I burn for him as his gaze rakes over my bare skin. Want darkens his eyes, sends flickers of desire up my spine.
Somehow, we strip without major incident, and I stretch out beside him as he rolls the condom on. I let myself get lost in the sight of him, solid and warm and desirable andreal. My fingers curl into the hair on his chest. At my touch, Holden lunges forward to kiss me again. His body blankets mine, and I let go of any and all control. I sink into the stretch and burn and waves of pleasure that storm through me.
Holden slows, his motions becoming more measured. I stifle a whine only to moan when he shifts and pushes deeper inside of me. My hands slide along the bedsheets until I can dig my fingernails into his thighs. My legs tense around him, hold onto him, pull him in as I roll my hips with each thrust. My head falls back against the pillow as his thumb finds my core. Everything I feel in the moment drowns out the screaming in my head that says this is a bad idea. The admonishment fades with the orgasm that tears through me.
Holden collapses beside me only moments later, and I giggle as he throws an arm over my waist. His damp face presses into my neck, and he blows out an unsteady breath.
“Fuck.”
I hum softly. “Mm, no, I think we just did that.”
I close my eyes and examine the looseness in my muscles. It’s been so long since I’ve had any sort of intimacy like this with another person. It’s relaxed me more than anything else since Ashton was born. My heartbeat steadies, slows, and I shiver as his fingers drag over my collarbone with a feather-light touch. He brushes a kiss to my shoulder and lifts himself up on one elbow.
“That was fantastic,” he murmurs. His tone is too soft—too tender—too much—but warmth blooms to life under my skin.
“It really, really was.” I pause, struggling to catch hold of a thought. Eventually, what comes out is, “I’d like to do it again sometime.”
And maybe it’s true, but it’s also a horrible mistake. Once is bad enough, but to go back and relive these precious stolen moments… To memorize the way he feels and tastes… I’m playing with fire, and I’ll only end up burned in the end.
“So would I,” he says quietly.
I push myself to sit up. I’m nude, but I feel far more naked now than before. Holden strokes a finger along my spine but doesn’t push me to talk. He just waits patiently, so sweetly.
“I don’t want a relationship, Holden.” When he remains silent, I continue. “Between Ashton and school, adding a relationship—especially a long-distance one—isn’t feasible.”
“I understand.”
I don’t doubt his words. I can feel the truth in the way his voice brushes velvet-soft against my ears. Maybe…All in or all out, I scold myself. And all-in sounds mighty fucking good.
“If you’re okay with a friends-with-benefits kinda thing whenever you’re in town, though, I could work with that.”
Half of me wants to take the words back as soon as they slip free, but I leave them hanging between us. Holden sits upright, planting his feet into the mattress and resting his forearms on his knees. His eyes sparkle in the silver moonlight streaming through the gap in the blinds. He leans forward and kisses me softly, oh so softly.
“So can I.”
