She forced her gaze back to his, held it steady. “What do you want, Alexi?”
“A great many things. Maybe too many things. But first, for you to forgive me.”
Her face crumpled at that. She put a hand up to cover it, knowing it was too late. “Leave me alone.”
“Milaya,let me—”
“Don’t.” She cringed away, crossing her arms over herself in self-defense, and his hands stopped an inch away. There was an odd catch in his breath as he drew them back and let them fall to his sides.
“I won’t touch you.” His voice was quiet and strained. “Please, let me say what I’ve come to say.”
“What else could there be?” She turned away. “I know what you think of me. You made that clear.”
“What I did was hurt you and make a fool of myself.”
“Oh, yes, you hurt me.” She was still trembling from it. “But not just that last time. You hurt me every time you pulled back when I needed to tell you how much I loved you. I thought, I won’t let it matter, because he’ll have to see it. God, he’ll have to see it, because it’s right there every time I look at him. Every time I think about him. And he loves me. He wants me. In my whole life, no one wanted me. Not really.”
“Bess.”
She jerked away from his hands. “My parents,” she began, turning back. “How many times I heard them say to each other, ‘Where did she come from?’ As if I was some stray pet that had wandered in by mistake.”
When she began to roam the room, her shoulders still hunched protectively, he said nothing. How could he tell her he was sorry he’d opened up old wounds, and sorry, as well, that it had taken that to have her reveal those smothered feelings to him?
“I handled it.” Those stiff shoulders jerked as she tried to shrug it off. “What else could I do? It wasn’t their fault, really. They’ve always been so perfect, in their way, and I could never be. Not for them. Not even for you.”
“Do you think that’s what I want?”
She glanced back then. The tears had dried up. There was no point in them. “I don’t know what you want, Alexi. I only know it keeps circling around. I went from my parents into school. Those awful teenage years, when all the girls were so bright and pretty, and falling in and out of love. No one wanted me. Oh, I had friends. Somewhere along the line I’d learned that if you didn’t try so hard, if you just relaxed and acted naturally, that there were a lot of people who’d like you for what you were. But there was never anyone to love. There has never been anybody to love until you.”
“There’s never going to be anyone else.” He waited until she turned back. “I love you, Bess. Please, give me another chance.”
“It won’t work.” She rubbed at her drying tears with the heel of her hand. “I thought it would, I wanted it to. I was so sure love would be enough. But it’s not. Not without hope. Certainly not without faith.”
The calm way she said it had panic streaking through him. “Do you want me to crawl?” He ignored her defensive retreat and gripped her arms. “Then I will. You’re not going to push me out of your life because I was stupid, because I was afraid. I won’t let you.”
Was this how a man crawled? she wondered. With his eyes flashing fire and his voice booming? “And the next time you see me kissing an old friend?”
“I won’t care.” With a sound of disgust, he released her to stalk the room. “I will care. I’ll kill the next one who touches you.”
“Then New York would be littered with bodies.” It should be funny, she thought. Why wasn’t it funny? “I can’t change what I am for you, Alexi. I wouldn’t ask you to change for me.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and struggled to find some balance. “I know a kiss between friends is harmless, Bess. I’m not quite that big a fool. But the other night, when I walked in—”
“You assumed I was betraying you.”
“I don’t know what I assumed.” It was as honest as he could get. “When I saw you, I felt... It was all feeling,” he said carefully. “So I didn’t think. In my heart, in my head, I know better than to assume anything. One of my own rules that I broke. There were reasons.” Calmer now, he walked back and took her hands. “We’d just finished the bust, and I was wired from it. I knew I’d tell you about it, all about it. I’d gone beyond trying to separate that part of my life—any part of it—from you. It was going to upset you to think about it, because of Rosalie. I knew that, too. Damn it, I knew you’d gone to that funeral alone, and I felt like the lowest kind of creep for letting you.”
He was prying her heart open again, inch by inch. “I didn’t think you knew.”
“I knew.” His voice was flat. All he could think was how desperately he wanted to hold her. “You leave notes everywhere. All these pieces of paper scattered around, with scribbling on them about dry-cleaning and dialogue and appointments. I saw the one about the flowers you’d ordered for her, and the directions to the cemetery.” He looked down at their hands. “If things hadn’t been moving so fast in the investigation, I would have taken the time. I would have tried to.”
That she didn’t doubt. “It was more important to me that you catch the man who killed her than that you go stand over her grave.”
“I wasn’t with you,” he said, more slowly. “And I wanted to be. And when I got here, I wanted to...” This was hardly the time to bring up the ring in his pocket. “I was churned up about a lot of things, Bess. My response was way out of line, and I’ll apologize for it as often as you like. But I’d like you to hear me out.”
“It’s all right.” She gave his hands a squeeze, hoping he’d release hers. He didn’t. “Alexi, Charlie was here because—”
“I don’t need to know.” Now he let her hands go to bring his own to her face. He wanted her to see what was in his eyes. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. You don’t have to change yourself for me.”
