“It’s not the kind of thing I normally pick up,” she says, “but it sounded so absurd I couldn’t resist.”
Her cheeks are rosy from laughing. I love how light-hearted she is, despite her tone when this date started. Even with everything going on, she has this ability to capture and enjoy those little moments of bliss most people don’t take time to see. It’s refreshing.
At the end of the night, I walk her to my car. My cheeks hurt from smiling and all I want to do is take her back to my hotel, but I also don’t want to bethatguy.
“Where next?” I ask, putting the ball in her court.
She hesitates, looks at me in the blue glow of my dashboard lights, and bites her bottom lip. She does this a lot when she’s thinking.
“I want to sayyour hotel,” she says. “But I also want to take things slow, so let’s go back to my house. I know I’ll keep my clothes on if we stay there.”
I nod, then start the car. “We could always go back to our house on the bluff,” I say.
“Our house,” she says. “I like that. Even if it crumbles and falls into the river, it will always be our house.”
“It will.” I take her hand and kiss it. She looks at me with a closed-lip smile and my heart melts. She’s my soulmate. I know it in my bones.
I start the car and drive back to the home she shares with her grandmother. The outside lights are on, but the inside is dark.
“You can come in if you want,” she says. “Just for a little while.”
I nod, and we go inside. She checks on her grandmother, who is snoring in her room.
She fixes each of us a glass of wine and we sit on the couch. The room is dimly lit by two Tiffany lamps, which cast a delicate glow on Micah’s pale skin.
We barely drink any of the wine. Instead, we spend the next few hours holding each other, our lips locked and hands wandering.
MICAH
The rest of the year flies by in a fog. Nana continues to deteriorate, and I go through the motions of the holidays, knowing it’ll probably be my last year to enjoy these times with her. The doctor we see in Mobile says her heart disease has progressed, and though I’ve done a good job monitoring her blood sugar, I still catch her sneaking candy or sugar in her tea from time to time. It’s like she’s given up and doesn’t care anymore. It’s hard not to take that personally.
My mother continues to send the occasional text, but spends Thanksgiving and Christmas with her new boyfriend and his kids. I know it sounds bad, but I’m glad she’s not here. She brings drama, and that’s the last thing my nana needs, even though I know she misses her daughter. It’s a no-win situation, and I hate it for her.
Rhodes spends Thanksgiving and Christmas in Birmingham with his son and is only able to visit Magnolia Row about once a month, which confirms my suspicion that this long-distance thing isn’t going to work. We haven’t slept together yet, for two reasons. First, I had to get myself checked out after I found out about all the shenanigans Garrett had been up to. Even though he and I had always used protection, I was paranoid and wanted to make sure I was clean.
I am. Thank God.
Even after all the tests came back negative, I’m still stalling with Rhodes, and I make a million excuses. I hate to admit it, but the truth is I’m terrified of him seeing me naked. I’m dumpy little small-town nobody. He’s Mr. Rockstar Architect touring the South and saving all these buildings from certain death. When I look in the mirror, I see a big girl. When I look at him, I see a man oozing confidence and quiet sex appeal.
I am way too insecure to make this relationship work. I will never feel good enough. Ever. I do miss him, but I don’t want to make any demands if I’m not ready to commit. And I’m not.
I don’t know if I ever will be.
* * *
New Year’s Eve is hard, and I’ve been dreading it. Nana hasn’t been feeling well all day, so I tell Sistine I’m busy and can’t go to the big midnight bash at Cattywampus.
Rhodes calls from a hotel in Nashville. He’s there for the wedding of a former colleague, and though he invited me to come with him as his date, I couldn’t leave Nana. The entire day I spend thinking about all the beautiful, skinnier women in their skin-tight designer dresses flirting with him and dancing and making him realize he actually can do better.
My head spins all night. I’m sick with jealousy over women I’ve completely invented in my own head. It’s exhausting.
Nana goes to bed early. I tuck her in and she’s out before I can even turn off her light. I have a bottle of rosé in the fridge, so I open it and drink the entire thing while flipping through the channels showing cheesy NYE party specials. Rhodes sends me texts throughout the night, checking on me, and even sends me a selfie he took in the hotel mirror before he left for the wedding. He’s wearing a sharp navy pinstripe suit tailored perfectly to his tall, lean body. It takes my breath away when I see how sexy he is, how masculine and classy, like Mr. Darcy without the grumpy exterior. I wish more than anything to be with him tonight.
At midnight we do a video call. He’s still at the wedding, and I can tell there’s a huge party going on behind him. We have a fake toast with our respective glasses, and blow kisses to each other. I tell him I miss him, then we hang up.
I slide off the couch in my lime green silk pajamas, wash my wine glass, and get ready for bed while I listen to Taylor Swift. I turn it off when I walk down the hall to my bedroom.
I pause at my door, which is right beside Nana’s. I listen for the sound of her soft snoring, but don’t hear anything. I close my eyes, hold my breath, and wait.
