“It’s about redemption, too,” Alex said softly. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes and done some pretty bad things. I want to redeem myself. This song reminds me of that.”
“So, it is a little bit about you,” C pointed out.
“Yes. Just a little.” Alex bowed his head in acknowledgement. “Am I allowed that?”
“That’s for you to say.” C shrugged. “But if it’s helpful, then why not?”
Alex left feeling glum. He was far more of a work in progress than he’d realised, and it all seemed so daunting. Yet, he felt a sense of exhilaration, too. After months of reacting, he was finally setting his own agenda, and that felt good.
Later that evening, after dinner, he sat on his bed and looked through all his notes. There was so much to do. It was late and he was about to go to bed when there was a knock on the door. Gideon poked his head around it.
“Just a reminder – it’s up to you whether you act on it – but you haven’t done your practice today,” he said.
“Oh shit! Yoga.” Alex looked at the notes scattered over his bed. “I was so busy doing this that I forgot.”
“Like I said. Your choice.” Gideon left the room, closing the door softly behind him.
Alex stared at the notes and then back at the door. He was exhausted and longed to go to bed, but there would be many times during his life as an indie when he would be forced to work when tired. He might as well start learning that lesson now. He changed into his yoga clothes and walked wearily to the gym. To his surprise, Gideon was waiting for him there.
“How did you know I’d come?” he asked, sliding off his shoes and shuffling onto the mat.
“I didn’t, but I hoped you would.” Gideon held out his hand. “You’ve barely learned the basics of yoga. I’m going to teach you so much more, to make it a real weapon in your armoury. Now, focus on your breathing.” He put his hand on Alex’s midriff.
An hour later, exhausted and yet strangely calm, Alex returned to his little room. He spent a few moments gazing at his photos, as he did every night, and then threw himself straight into bed. He was asleep within seconds.
The pace didn’t let up. The more he learned, the more he realised how little he knew. Yet, he’d never been afraid of hard work and he enjoyed learning. He didn’t enjoy the sessions with C but even there he put in the work. C wasn’t interested in his childhood, or analysing his moods and emotions. He concentrated on giving him the tools he needed to cope when he was returned to Tyler. He gave him techniques and exercises, mental strategies for staying strong, and homework to do after every session.
Slowly, they worked out what helped and what didn’t. Caffeine and other stimulants, for example, were a bad idea. Alex craved them as much as he’d once craved croc, and he was less focused when he was in a state of craving. He also had atendency to zone out in order to stay calm, which C identified as problematic.
“Tyler expects an eager-to-please servant, not one who walks around like a zombie. You must learn how to listen – really listen – and not just nod while thinking your own inner thoughts.”
That was a tough lesson. Alex realised how very little he’d ever listened to others. His brain was always bringing the subject back to himself, and how he felt about whatever they were talking about. C taught him how to remove his own emotions from the scenario and just be present. It wasn’t easy, but he was learning.
He identified new areas for improvement, too, and went to Gideon with them.
“Massage and… caddying?” Gideon raised an eyebrow.
“Yes,” Alex said firmly. “I’m not really a domestic indie, useful though those lessons have been. Learning how to massage properly will be helpful when entertaining my clients. As for caddying, Tyler has a huge golf course. He’s never asked me to caddy for him, but it might be useful to know how.”
“Very good.” Gideon looked at him approvingly. “I’ll arrange tutors for both.”
A few weeks later, a new influx of students arrived – fifteen of them – and soon Belvedere was heaving and humming with chatter. Alex attended classes with them, spoke to them politely, and observed them carefully, but he made no attempt to befriend anyone. He watched as one of the new students bullied another and forced himself not to intervene.
“It was hard,” Alex told Gideon in the gym one evening. “To see that poor woman being picked on by that oaf and do nothing.”
“Well, watching others being bullied has always been a major trigger for you,” Gideon pointed out. “This is a good opportunity for you to work on it.”
“You didn’t set it up, did you?” Alex asked suspiciously.
Gideon laughed. “No, Alex. The time for subterfuge – on our part, at least – is over. This is all real now. You, on the other hand, could still improve where deception is concerned. Have you given any more thought as to how you will meet Mr Tyler’s personal demands?”
“You mean, how will I pretend to enjoy sucking his cock when I hate his guts?” Alex snapped.
The sharp slap took him by surprise, although it shouldn’t have. Gideon fixed him with a stern look. “That was pure petulance, Alex. You willnotlet your guard down with me or anyone else, except C, and then only in his office. This isnota safe space.” He gestured around the room. “This is a working area. Now, tell me your plan for dealing with Mr Tyler’s inevitable request that you serve him in the bedroom.”
Alex rubbed the sting out of his jaw. On reflection, the slap had been well deserved. He’d been working hard not to lash out or be sarcastic, but he’d let himself down.
“I’ve been trying to think of him as a human being,” he offered. “Not a monster, and not someone I hate. I’ve been considering how lonely he must have been after Mum died. He’s had his revenge on me, but that hasn’t exactly turned out how he expected, so now he’s locked up in his own private hell and he doesn’t know how to get out. I feel sorry for him.” Alex blinked. “Wow – it’s true – I actually feel sorry for the man. Mum liked him – maybe even loved him – so I have to believe he’s got a heart in there somewhere. He wants affection and intimacy, so that’s what I’ll give him.”
