He undressed Josiah slowly, tenderly. This was no mad rush, like their first coupling, but an event to be savoured. Josiah feltall at sea with the changed dynamic. Had he forgotten how to let a partner take control? It had been different with Peter; they were together such a long time, and he trusted him. He trusted Alex, too, but suddenly this felt like a bigger deal than he’d realised. He’d been grimly hanging on to control, in every area of his life, like a drowning man clinging to the side of a duck. Now, he was letting go and trying to swim, but he still feared the currents lurking beneath.
“You’re thinking way too much,” Alex said. “Relax.”
Nodding numbly, he let Alex lead him over to the bed and push him down on it. Alex’s mouth was so hot on his body, kissing, sucking, and nuzzling… Josiah groaned and pushed up against him.
“That’s better. God, you’re gorgeous,” Alex murmured, his mouth roving everywhere.
Josiah had an image of Peter, his dark hair flopping over his face as he leaned over him, and he tensed up.
“Hey… it’s okay…” Alex drew back. “Do you feel like you’re betraying Peter by doing this?”
“No. It’s more… I feel that if I let go, then everything else will go – Peter, Hattie, my past, the memory of that night… everything I’ve held on to so tightly, for so long.”
“Would that be so bad? What’s the worry, Joe? That you won’t be able to keep it under control anymore? That it’ll rise up and destroy you?”
“Yes.” Josiah sighed. “Stupid, I know. It’s just sex.”
“No, it’s important. Sex is important. Just let the emotions come. Maybe they won’t, maybe they will, but they can’t destroy you. Just be in the moment and let it happen. You don’t have to be strong for everyone all the time. You can let others take care of you. I watched you tonight while we were eating. You haven’t let people in for such a long time. I think it surprised you howmuch you enjoyed it. Sitting around that table with friends, even if they are people you only met recently.”
Josiah nodded, feeling suddenly overwhelmed.
“I get it,” Alex said gently. “You’re the big, strong, tough guy, the important investigator from Inquisitus – the indiehunter himself.” He smiled. “But you’re human, too. You’re allowed to show it.”
Josiah nodded again, unable to speak. Alex smoothed his hair gently and then resumed kissing him. He went so slowly, so gently, arousing Josiah with his beautiful mouth, caressing his body insistently into a state of arousal. It took a long time for the stiffness to leave Josiah’s muscles, for his hands to stop gripping the sheets, and for his body to surrender to Alex’s expert teasing.
Alex didn’t let up until Josiah was loose, relaxed, and ready for him. Then he slipped his lubed fingers inside him, making him grunt at the long-forgotten pleasure. Only when Josiah was lost to the world and completely blissed out did Alex slide inside him. Oh God, it felt so good! Alex’s weight on top of him, the feeling of him pressed deep inside his body, the sheer sensory pleasure of being with a man in this way, after so long.
The realisation hit him out of the blue. This wasn’t drowning; it wassurfacing. It was as if his lungs were filling with air, and he was taking his first long, deep, shaky breath since that October night seven years ago when he’d thrown back his head and howled. He’d been holding his breath since then without even knowing it. Now, finally, he let go. As he exhaled, his body roared into life with sensations it hadn’t felt in years. Moods, emotions, pleasures… he let them wash through him, and then he let them go. He didn’t have to hold on tight anymore, he could just be, in the moment.
He cried out, over and over again, in complete abandon as he orgasmed, and then gazed up hazily as Alex came inside him, before flopping down on top of him. He wrapped his armsaround Alex, both of them sweaty and sated, and it was only then that he realised he was crying.
“Are you okay?” Alex asked anxiously. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, it was wonderful. They’re happy tears,” Josiah whispered, allowing them to fall unchecked. “Thank you, Alex.”
“You needed that, so much,” Alex said, wiping them away.
“I really did. Thank you.”
As Alex slipped down next to him and held him, Josiah felt happy, alive, and free. The future might be uncertain, but at least he was free of the past.
The next morning, he woke to find Alex snuggled up beside him, his hair a tousled mess. It felt so good to wake up next to a gorgeous man after a night of glorious sex that Josiah wondered how he would ever manage when it was just him alone in this bed again. He was painfully aware of how close that day must be.
Alex shifted and rolled over, smiling at him. “Hey. You’re thinking again – I can hear you.”
“Yes. Alex, there’s something I should tell?—”
“Don’t say it. I can guess.” Alex put a finger over his mouth. “I know we’re running out of time, but that’s not your fault. You’ve done everything you could. Let’s just make the most of now – okay?”
“Okay,” Josiah said softly, kissing him.
“Do you know what day it is?” Alex asked.
“November third?” Josiah said blankly. Then the penny dropped. “Ah, yes. Of course.”
“It’s the seventh anniversary of her death. Maybe it’s a sign and today is the day we’ll find her.”
“I hope so.”
