He worked hard for the next couple of weeks. Two watched him curiously from afar but said nothing. Finally, when he thought he was ready, Alex approached him one Sunday morning.
“Would you please come to the gym with me? I have something to show you,” he requested politely. He held his breath, hoping that Two would at least agree to this, if nothing else. Two gazed at him searchingly for several seconds, and then, finally, he nodded.
They didn’t speak as they walked to the gym. Alex was trying desperately to remember his breathing and control the nerves inhis belly. If he couldn’t do this in front of Two, then what chance was there of doing it for Tyler?
He selected his song, concentrated on his breathing, and gazed at himself in the mirror. His face emptied, becoming blank, and then he began his yoga poses. He went through them all twice, from beginning to end, not breaking his flow once, even when he heard something dropping outside with a loud crash. Anchored by the music, he was nothing. Nobody. Invisible. He had no wishes, no emotions. He existed only to serve.
Then it was over. He ended the music, turned to Two, and bowed his head to him.
“Namaste,” he said softly.
When he looked up, he saw that Two’s eyes were filled with tears.
“Thank you,” Two said softly. “That was perfect.”
Alex was delighted, but he didn’t let that show. “I am learning, but there are some aspects I still need to discuss with you. Will you help me?”
“After such a beautiful display, how could I refuse?” Two smiled and sat down, cross-legged, on the mat.
“I need to work out what to do if I witness someone being hurt,” Alex said. “I know you think I let you down by intervening when F went after D, and maybe I did, but however important my mission is, Solange wouldn’t ask me to put it above everything else – such as, for example, someone being hurt.”
“It’s a good point,” Two said with a sigh. “Only you can decide your baselines, Alex, and you’re right to decide them in advance, because it’ll be much harder in the heat of the moment. The minute you intervene, you show who you really are, and that you’ve been lying all along. Can you live with someone being shouted at? Hit? Hurt? Raped? Killed? What can you stand by and let happen, and what, in all conscience, requires your intervention?”
“I think…” Alex considered it. “I think that I was wrong to protect D against F. He was shouting at her, but he’s never been violent towards her, and my mission is too important for me to react like that every time my houder gives an IS a hard time.”
“So, shouting, or more specifically, bullying – can you steel yourself not to intervene or react?” Two asked. “You’ll find it hard – you always do with bullying.”
“Yes, I know, but I think I must. Indies get shouted at and bullied all the time. I won’t last five minutes if I react every time.”
“Good. What else?” Two was watching him keenly.
“I can watch slaps, even a beating, as long as it’s not life-threatening,” Alex said slowly. “I cannot allow myself to intervene unless there is a threat to someone’s life.”
“You’ll find that hardest of all,” Two observed. “The single thing that has upset you, over and over again, is not when you have been treated badly yourself but when someone else has been – someone you view as more vulnerable than yourself. Me, D… you’ve sought to defend us, often at some cost to yourself.”
“I know. I felt the same about Solange. That’s how Tyler controlled me for as long as he did, because I was afraid he’d take it out on her.”
“Be sure in your own mind that you can stand by and watch everything up to that point,” Two warned, “because, from everything you’ve told me about your houder, you may have to.”
“I’ll work on it,” Alex said.
“You know, I actually believe you will.” Two smiled and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “Now, what else?”
“What do you mean?”
Two gave him a sad look. “Darling, could you rape someone?”
“God, no.” Alex shuddered.
“So, that’s a baseline for you. If your houder orders you to rape or kill someone, you’ll refuse and blow your cover.”
“Yes, absolutely.” Alex shuddered. “I couldn’t watch a rape, either. I’d intervene.”
“And could you hurt someone emotionally? Treat them cruelly?”
Alex thought about it. “I’d have to. It has to be more than that for me to blow my cover. I couldn’t hurt someone physically, though.”
“Not unless they want it anyway.” Two smiled knowingly. “Some people do, you know.”
